Local Newspaper Headlines!

[quiet guy]

Or the Tories.

 

[Roadkill]

here.

 

[cupid_stunt]

When I check google for Worthing news, it often throws up stuff from different Worthings in various parts of the world, which I normally ignore, but I clicked on this eye-catching one.

Sheriff: Worthing man high on acid arrested after yelling at vehicle in just his underwear

The man assaulted three sheriff's deputies while they tried to put him in a patrol car.

eu.argusleader.com

A 24-year-old man assaulted law enforcement officers in Worthing after he was arrested for yelling at someone while dressed in just his underwear and high on acid, authorities say.

Alexander Black Wolf, 24, from Worthing, was charged with three counts of simple assault on law enforcement, resisting arrest, obstructing law enforcement, disorderly conduct and ingesting a controlled substance, according to a news release from the Lincoln County Sheriff's Office.

Bad trip, man.

 

[josef1878 2.0]

Missing ferret is found in bed... with a stranger

A runaway ferret was reunited with his owner after he jumped into bed with a startled man.

www.wigantoday.net

 

[josef1878 2.0]

Missing ferret is found in bed... with a stranger

A runaway ferret was reunited with his owner after he jumped into bed with a startled man.

www.wigantoday.net

If I woke up in a stranger's bed in Platt Bridge it would run a fuckin few miles too

 

[cupid_stunt]

Seriously, WTF?

Plea for roadside memorial to 60 sheep who died in A24 crash

Proposals are being put forward to erect a roadside memorial to 60 sheep who died in a crash on the A24.

www.worthingherald.co.uk

Members of the pro-animal group PETA have written to Horsham District Council seeking permission to erect the tombstone memorial.

PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - say they hope the memorial would save lives by encouraging drivers to travel safely, and choose vegan meals.

The sheep were in a lorry which overturned on the northbound carriageway of the A24 at Dial Post on Monday afternoon (Seeptember 28).

Fuck right off, PETA!


Then, fuck of again.

 

[Maggot]

Man digs up potato shaped like a rubber duck

A YARNTON gardener was digging up his crop of potatoes when all of spudden he came across a quacking surprise.

www.oxfordmail.co.uk

It certainly looks like a rubber duck.

 

[Orang Utan]

Not the headline but the byline:

Live as Covid updates as infection rate drops in one Yorkshire city

Meanwhile, Donald Trump became the latest world leader to test positive for the virus

www.leeds-live.co.uk

That’s got to be made up, surely?

 

[two sheds]

Trump's well known for his Bradford connection though

 

[Orang Utan]

Trump's well known for his Bradford connection though

Look at the first writer in the byline

 

[seeformiles]

It’s a slow news day in Leeds

'The M62's best service station really doesn't live up to the hype'

It was a pretty average

www.leeds-live.co.uk

 

[andysays]

It’s a slow news day in Leeds

'The M62's best service station really doesn't live up to the hype'

It was a pretty average

www.leeds-live.co.uk

Have they not got hold of this yet?

The Conservatives plan to open a second headquarters in Leeds, the party's co-chairman will announce later. The new HQ - a northern counterpart to Conservative Campaign Headquarters in London - is expected to open next year, Amanda Milling will say, as she opens the party's "virtual conference".

 

[seeformiles]

Have they not got hold of this yet?

Seems not - but it in any case it ranks much lower than the charms of Hartshead Moor Services

 

[Orang Utan]

Have they not got hold of this yet?

as I said on Twitter, arson is a terrible crime

 

[two sheds]

Firefighters called to rescue student from tumble dryer

21-year-old student was dared in a drinking game to climb into clothes dryer

www.independent.co.uk

and it's not even a local newspaper headline

 

[petee]

del.

 

[DaveCinzano]

Buckle up, people, we have a live one...

'It was the curry’ Tesco driver defecates all over customer's house - and doesn't clear it up

An Eltham mother has spoken of her horror after a Tesco delivery driver asked to use her toilet, and defecated all over her bathroom floor.

www.newsshopper.co.uk

 

[kabbes]

Buckle up, people, we have a live one...

'It was the curry’ Tesco driver defecates all over customer's house - and doesn't clear it up

An Eltham mother has spoken of her horror after a Tesco delivery driver asked to use her toilet, and defecated all over her bathroom floor.

www.newsshopper.co.uk

Totally worth a read, folks. It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph. I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.

 

[JimW]

I would read the story but it's not dignified to get newss from a hopper.

 

[cupid_stunt]

Totally worth a read, folks. It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph. I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.

The last line is a classic.

Kirsten added that "this was not something that happens every day."

No shit, Sherlock.

 

[two sheds]

Totally worth a read, folks. It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph. I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.

It is indeed class

Tesco said they have offered their 'sincere apologies' to the customer and "are investigating as a matter of urgency."

They seem to specialize in matters of urgency.

The manager told her that the man responsible was new and was undergoing training but had come in that night and quickly left after working his last ever shift.

He hadn't got to the "don't shit on your customers' carpets" training module yet.

 

[MickiQ]

Seriously, WTF?

Plea for roadside memorial to 60 sheep who died in A24 crash

Proposals are being put forward to erect a roadside memorial to 60 sheep who died in a crash on the A24.

www.worthingherald.co.uk

Fuck right off, PETA!

View attachment 232601
Then, fuck of again.

That has got me hankering for a lamb kebab

 

[two sheds]

It did at first sight look like a spoof, although I don't think it actually is.

 

[Steel Icarus]

Local ghost hunter horrified at seeing Ouija boards in Poundland

Paul Marsters says 'all hell could break loose if the demon attached itself to anyone'

www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk

"Ouija boards are most certainly not a toy and should not be available for kids to buy in pound shops for Halloween - never mind adults that are not trained in how to use them"

 

[seeformiles]

Totally worth a read, folks. It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph. I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.

From the comments section

“I must say I sympathise with the driver. My guts are something terrible after a few Guinness and a ruby. My Mum won't let me poop in our lav, she makes me do it in a black plastic sack in the garden and chuck it up the road before it gets light.“

 

[Badgers]

I

 

[Marty1]

An Amazon driver, you say. It couldn't be anyone we know...

...could it??

Funnily enough, I’ve never taken a shit someone’s garden before

 

[cupid_stunt]

View attachment 234114I

I was once part of a group being shown around the Express & Echo's building & press room, the daft twat showing us around didn't cop on that I was taking the piss, when he said ,'in [whatever year] the current paper was born by the merger of two other titles in Exeter', and I piped-up, 'oh, what titles were they?', he replied. 'the Exeter Express and Exeter Echo', I came back with, 'oh really, that's interesting', at which point the others just started to crack-up.

 

[cupid_stunt]

Funnily enough, I’ve never taken a shit someone’s garden before

Yet!

 

[existentialist]

John ap Evans denies Novichok hoax at Pembroke castle

John ap Evans is accused of placing bottles of a fake Novichok nerve agent in Pembroke Castle.

www.bbc.co.uk

I think this is going to be rather sad and pathetic - the hoaxer is representing himself in court.