A very funny column taking the piss out of Esperanza Agurre from today's edition of the newspaper Publico. I have translated it into English, with one or two imperfections, but well enough that everyone can get an idea of this thoroughly objectionable person.
http://blogs.publico.es/davidtorres/2014/07/11/aguirre-privatiza-eta/
AGUIRRE PRIVATISES ETA
11th July 2014
It’s lucky that Esperanza Aguirre has abandoned politics, because if she was still actively involved in it, we wouldn’t talk about anything else. In fact, even when she’s she taking a holiday, she makes it difficult to ignore her. The sections of the big-circulation newspapers are diverse; International, National, Economy, Politics, Culture, Sport and Aguirre. Sometimes it’s the last of these that occupies more space than all of the others put together. That’s because this good lady surpasses the normal barriers of the here and now, in the same way that she thwarts notions of classification and number. She’s had so many posts and titles that nobody now knows if there’s just one Esperanza, or a few of her.
Aguirre should go around with Bankia sponsorship on her back, in the same way that Fernando Alonso is sponsored by Santander. If she absorbs all of the information around her like a black hole, it’s because a news-story such as the one of her broad daylight smash-and-grab in Gran Vía, complete as it was with the running-over of a policeman, belongs to Politics, Events, Motoring, and Shows all at the same time. Later, when explaining said event, it seemed as if she was doing the opening of San Isidro (a Madrid festival) somewhat late, or the opening of Gay Pride, somewhat early. Many of her admirers feel that she should be included in Madrid’s flag, between the bear and the madroño tree, but with an electric fence between them. It would be ideal if she ever fancied decorating the living-room with the rug and drinks cabinet.
About a month ago she managed to grab all of the headlines with this incident, in which it was shown that in Spain, as in imperial Rome, that are two types of citizens: Aguirre first, the rest of the PP second. The rest of us are just plebs, including the police. In fact, when the naïve officer went over to warn her, Aguirre decided to throw the car into reverse and then drove off, “inviting” him to follow her to her house to hand out the fine with tea and petit-fours. He caught her in a good mood, the poor bloke was lucky that she didn’t call up all of the PP Driving School, from Carromero to Nacho Uriarte, to give him a going over.
Nobody understood that the real news bombshell here wasn’t that Margaret Thatcher’s advantaged disciple managed to do a victory lap of the police, nor that she managed to cause traffic jams in the Callao area for a full 15 minutes. No, the most amazing thing here is that this all happened because she had stopped to take money out of a cash machine as a normal person would.
Now Esperanza is getting angry because Pablo Iglesias is stealing her lead role without being a count nor any other type of important person in Spain, not even his own television, substitute president, coiffured ponytail, style, highlights, or hairspray. Her ego is so huge that when she got caught up in the Mumbai terrorist attacks, she probably thought they had been carried out by ETA, specifically going after her on Ryanair. She considered the whole event more or less the same as she had the Atocha terrorist attacks, just with Indians instead of muslims. If she’s as consistent as it seems, everytime Telemadrid show Apocalypse Now, when they get to the helicopter scene, she probably turns the sound off and swaps Ride of the Valkyries for a chotis (Madrid folk song) at full blast.
After seeing the sixth or seventh front page plastered with this Podemos upstart, Ms. Aguirre wasn’t able to hold back any longer and has called him “ETA terrorist”, seeing as calling him pro-Castro and friend of Venezuela was already a little passé, as well as her not being one for wearing second-hand clothes. The lawsuit will be brought to her outdoors, because if Gallardón (PP politician) privatises the civil registry, she will personally privatise Madrid’s courts in Plaza Castilla. With regards to using the money she insists Pablo Iglesias should hand over to ETA victims, it’s easy to figure out who she means; she’s talking about herself! She’s going to take full advantage of the situation to arrange for another collection, because as she once said herself, what she makes from politics doesn’t even pay for the hairdresser’s tip.