Local Newspaper Headlines!

[quiet guy]

A true case of schadenfreude

 

[cupid_stunt]

Editor - we need a royal story.
Reporter - hold my beer.

Kate Middleton flies over Oxfordshire in royal helicopter

Kate Middleton has flown over Banbury, Oxfordshire in a royal helicopter.

www.oxfordmail.co.uk

 

[quimcunx]

EXCLUSIVE: Owner of dog who stole Gareth Bale’s golf ball at Dunhill Cup in Angus speaks out

Millions of people have viewed the clip of Jock bolting across the green, much to the embarrassment of his owner.

www.thecourier.co.uk

An exclusive!

 

[PTK]

this is a nice story. Askam Pier has been saved for the nation!

View attachment 446112

as a kid, a walk out on the pier was the highlight of a visit to Aunt Mona.

That is a nice story.

 

[two sheds]

EXCLUSIVE: Owner of dog who stole Gareth Bale’s golf ball at Dunhill Cup in Angus speaks out

Millions of people have viewed the clip of Jock bolting across the green, much to the embarrassment of his owner.

www.thecourier.co.uk

An exclusive!

View attachment 447390

I want to hear from the dog

 

[T & P]

(((Lewisham)))

 

[cupid_stunt]

Happy story to start the weekend.

Orphan emu raised by a chicken named Nugget

An abandoned emu is thriving after being raised and taught to walk by an unlikely foster mum.

www.farnhamherald.com

Four-year-old Shrub was rejected by parents Forest and Mathilda, who also had a difficult start in life.

Birdworld keepers discovered Mathilda had successfully hatched an egg but neither parent was willing to be the caregiver. The job of raising Shrub then fell to Nugget - a small Bantam Hen and she taught the hatchling skills such as eating and walking.

Polly Bramham, living collections manager, said: “Shrub’s mother, Mathilda, laid eggs in the summer, and Forest didn’t seem to be incubating them.

 

[seeformiles]

 

[cupid_stunt]

View attachment 447589

On the last page, mate.

 

[pseudonarcissus]

Funeral home in Poland apologises after body falls from hearse into traffic​

“

Local media published an image of the body lying on a white-striped pedestrian crossing, where it had tumbled out of the hearse.

The company transporting the body, Hades funeral services, issued a statement on Saturday taking responsibility for the incident and blaming a technical failure of the hearse.”

 

[seeformiles]

On the last page, mate.

(Fumbles under couch for lost glasses….)

 

[Maggot]

Funeral home in Poland apologises after body falls from hearse into traffic​

“

Local media published an image of the body lying on a white-striped pedestrian crossing, where it had tumbled out of the hearse.

The company transporting the body, Hades funeral services, issued a statement on Saturday taking responsibility for the incident and blaming a technical failure of the hearse.”

 

[isvicthere?]

German tourist dies after mistaking campervan door with toilet while speeding along Spanish motorway

German Tourist Dies After Mistaking Campervan Door With Toilet While Speeding Along Spanish Motorway Keep up with the Latest News In English Murcia Costa Calida Spain

murciatoday.com

Wow, that´s my local (online only) rag!

 

[cupid_stunt]

Strictly Come Dancing star Bill Bailey set caged owl free

“We let it go and it flew off. It was a wonderful moment.”

www.somersetlive.co.uk

Someone should tell them it's a rabbit.

 

[isvicthere?]

I want to hear from the dog

"The ball was in the... RUFF!"

 

[cupid_stunt]

The rather chilling story of the octogenarian steel conker cheat of Northamptonshire has gone national.

View attachment 447010

Cheating alleged after men’s world conker champion found with steel chestnut

It's actually quite sweet, the guy's been competing without winning since 1977, and this year he decides to nobble the competition by being chief stringer for the other contestants (yes, chief stringer, who even knew?) and also use a steel fucking conker. Allegedly.

This is in the cheese-rolling-leg-break, horse fair drowning, largest-ever-Morris-dance category of local news, it's actually bigger than local. It has national ramifications.

Thank God the Guardian have spotted it, before it spreads.

He's been cleared.

After a thorough investigation, no less.

On Monday, the World Conker Championships announced that their thorough review, including video and photo analysis, witness statements, and examination of the conkers used, confirmed Jakins' win was legitimate. They verified that the steel conker had not been used in play and that the conkers from Jakins' victorious matches bore marks consistent with use in the tournament.

'King Conker', 82, who won men's world conker championship cleared of cheating

David Jakins, 82, won the Men's World Conker Championship on October 13

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk

 

[seeformiles]

He's been cleared.

After a thorough investigation, no less.

'King Conker', 82, who won men's world conker championship cleared of cheating

David Jakins, 82, won the Men's World Conker Championship on October 13

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk

Thank God for that. I’d have hated for decades of integrity to go up in flames.

 

[Artaxerxes]

View attachment 447146


If he’s in two towns I guess it’s already too late for the poor sod.

I’ve often felt cursed when in Surrey so I can relate

 

[T & P]

I’ve been to Düsseldorf several times, so honorary local news to me.



Apparently no. 40 on the menu did the trick.

Germany: Police raid Düsseldorf pizzeria serving side order of cocaine

The number 40 pizza was one of the Düsseldorf restaurant's most popular pizzas, police said.

www.bbc.co.uk

 

[Chz]

I’ve been to Düsseldorf several times, so honorary local news to me.

View attachment 447953

Apparently no. 40 on the menu did the trick.

Germany: Police raid Düsseldorf pizzeria serving side order of cocaine

The number 40 pizza was one of the Düsseldorf restaurant's most popular pizzas, police said.

www.bbc.co.uk

I mean... running drugs with pizza delivery has to be one of the oldest ones in the book. Granted it was always weed IME, but I can see branching out into coke. It is (or was, at least) a heavily cash in hand business so you get to launder your money and deal the narcotics, complete with usually teenaged or foreign workers to do the dirty bits.

 

[Elpenor]

I’ve been to Düsseldorf several times, so honorary local news to me.

View attachment 447953

Apparently no. 40 on the menu did the trick.

Germany: Police raid Düsseldorf pizzeria serving side order of cocaine

The number 40 pizza was one of the Düsseldorf restaurant's most popular pizzas, police said.

www.bbc.co.uk

At least it wasn’t sweetcorn / pineapple / anchovies etc

 

[two sheds]

so loads of people going up to pizza places and saying "No. 40 please"

 

[farmerbarleymow]

I’ve been to Düsseldorf several times, so honorary local news to me.

View attachment 447953

Apparently no. 40 on the menu did the trick.

Germany: Police raid Düsseldorf pizzeria serving side order of cocaine

The number 40 pizza was one of the Düsseldorf restaurant's most popular pizzas, police said.

www.bbc.co.uk

Can hash tag account for his whereabouts?

 

[hash tag]

Can hash tag account for his whereabouts?

pizza really does do you good.

 

[cupid_stunt]

'I make bum butter in my kitchen - now it's loved by celebs like Amanda Holden'

Charlie Hobbs saw his orders skyrocket from four to 40 a day

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk

Bum butter?

 

[hash tag]

"Bum Butter is a natural anti chafing chamois cream for cyclists and runners that prevents sores, soothes irritation and reduces friction."

 

[two sheds]

I think the question is, though: "what is it made from?"

 

[Serge Forward]

'I make bum butter in my kitchen - now it's loved by celebs like Amanda Holden'

Charlie Hobbs saw his orders skyrocket from four to 40 a day

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk

Bum butter?

What's wrong with good old fashioned knob cheese?

 

[a_chap]

I think the question is, though: "what is it made from?"

Butter and, er, bums.