Local Newspaper Headlines!

[hippogriff]

Aberdeen's massive Pat Butcher mystery solved - and it (probably) wasn't Michael Gove

The mystery of who pasted a monumental picture of Pat Butcher on an Aberdeen city centre wall has been solved. Yesterday, the news broke that a huge

www.eveningexpress.co.uk

 

[petee]

Call for witnesses of man "waving wood aggressively"

Police are calling for witnesses to a man who was "waving a wooden item" in an aggressive manner at Le Bordage.

gsy.bailiwickexpress.com

 

[BillRiver]

Driver claimed not to know what blue lights meant after being pulled over near Cambridge

https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/local-news/driver-claimed-not-know-what-21414057

View attachment 285483

That's nearly at the level of my sister's outlandishly poor quality lies during our teens.

My favourite coming after she took my mum's car without permission and drove her mates to Brighton, where they stayed overnight before returning to our home in Essex, looking rough as fuck.

My mum had known one of the mate's (and his mum) since he and my sis were toddlers. They lived two blocks away from our house.

My sister claimed the whole trip was simply an act of kindness because, she claimed, that specific mate had "never been in a car before".

Both of his parents, and his older brother (my then boyfriend) owned cars, as we all knew full well.

 

[DaveCinzano]

Google aggregates all the big stories in the Norfolk of the West

 

[chainsawjob]

Large bag of cannabis dropped off as 'donation' to charity shop

A bin liner full of cannabis has been left as a donation at a Fareham charity shop, according to police in the area.

www.dailyecho.co.uk

 

[Puddy_Tat]

Airport taxi driver fed up of traffic changes number plate to 'M25 FKD'

A chauffeur in Dartford has mocked the 'constant' traffic woes he experiences between London and Kent after personalising his number plate to 'M25…

www.newsshopper.co.uk

 

[cupid_stunt]

Airport taxi driver fed up of traffic changes number plate to 'M25 FKD'

A chauffeur in Dartford has mocked the 'constant' traffic woes he experiences between London and Kent after personalising his number plate to 'M25…

www.newsshopper.co.uk

As a kid, pre-M25 days, I remember the Dartford crossing working well with just one tunnel, and one lane in each direction, now there's four lanes each way, and it's totally fucked, nuts when you think about.

 

[two sheds]

Not everyone could afford a horse and cart then though.

 

[Badgers]

McDonald's customer vows to go vegan after finding 'pig nipple' in bacon roll

Hungry Simon Robinson picked up his regular breakfast roll from his local McDonalds branch in Gateshead only to find what he claims was a nipple looking back at him

www-mirror-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org

 

[cupid_stunt]

What a brilliant non-story!

 

[DaveCinzano]

A nipple with an eye?

 

[PTK]

A nipple with an eye?

Have you never looked in a mirror without a top on and seen your own nipples staring back at you? That's the reason why we were created with our nipples on the front of our bodies; so that that we could not see them staring at us.

 

[Indeliblelink]

Woman dressed as nun dancing with skeleton outside Hull graveyard

Bizarre sight for drivers and passers-by on Spring Bank West

www.hulldailymail.co.uk

 

[Badgers]

Shocking

Woman shows off incredible food cupboard - but everyone spots the same problem

A woman proudly shared photos of her meticulously organised food pantry on social media - but she accidentally sparked a fierce debate online over one product

www.mirror.co.uk

 

[Storm Fox]

It also depends on how the eggs are treated at the producers. USA eggs are washed with detergents, which removes a natural protection so they need to be refrigerated, while EU eggs are not and can be just kept coolish.
Also this forces EU producers to have better welfare conditions for their chickens too.

Why American Eggs Would Be Illegal In A British Supermarket, And Vice Versa

The USDA mandates that all Grade A eggs be washed and sanitized. The EU requires that all Class A eggs are not washed or cleaned in any way. Here's why this distinction exists.

www.forbes.com

 

[seeformiles]

This story is very Brass Eye:

What is 'beaning'? West Yorkshire Police warn parents about TikTok trend

Police in Leeds are warning of a new trend called parents and shopkeepers of a new trend called 'beaning'.

www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk

 

[cupid_stunt]

This story is very Brass Eye:

What is 'beaning'? West Yorkshire Police warn parents about TikTok trend

Police in Leeds are warning of a new trend called parents and shopkeepers of a new trend called 'beaning'.

www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk

So, it wasn't a one-off in Surrey...

[I posted this 16/8/21 on the GB News thread.

Just had a flick, the BBC, Sky & Al Jazeera all covering Afghanistan, GB News had a reporter on the ground...

...covering the 'baked bean bandit', who is 'terrifying' the residents of Wonersh village in Surrey, by pouring baked beans through letterboxes & over cars.

 

[seeformiles]

So, it wasn't a one-off in Surrey...

[I posted this 16/8/21 on the GB News thread.

I feel a bit sorry for the PCSO who drew the short straw by having to give the official statement and, presumably, keep a straight face

 

[hash tag]

Jags for 15 year olds - WTF, they aren't even old enough to drive I shall be in Scotland very soon and I want a Jag!

 

[hitmouse]

Toronto raccoons crash bachelorette party and eat all the penis candy

They're cute, they're funny, they're famously clever — heck, they're the unofficial mascots of our city — but Toronto raccoons do not respect bound...

www.blogto.com

Hate it when this happens.

 

[Pickman's model]

 

[DaveCinzano]

View attachment 288868

Road-testing his defence in readiness for his upcoming trip to Lincolnshire

 

[BoatieBird]

Northampton woman, 78, slams council over 'nightmare' grass waste outside home

"Get your bloomin' fingers out and do something about it. Give us something for our money."

www.northamptonchron.co.uk

Quality pointing Anne
View attachment 267986

Northampton pensioner's grass verge saga set to feature on Jason Manford's new Comedy Central show The Complaints Department

Anne Harris, 79, has featured in the Chron twice this year with complaints about a grass verge outside her home - and now her story is set to appear on TV

www.northamptonchron.co.uk

Looks like Anne is heading for fame and fortune

 

[dessiato]

Teenager rushed to hospital after shoving USB cable in his penis

The boy, from London, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to 'measure the length of his penis' out of 'sexual curiosity'.

metro.co.uk

"When his mum was out of the room, the boy, whose name was not revealed, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to ‘measure the length of his penis’ out of ‘sexual curiosity’."

I wonder what's wrong with using a ruler.

 

[two sheds]

wouldn't fit

 

[petee]

headline of the year

Anne Frank’s Israeli classmate behind popular breast-inspired fidget toy

Husband-and-wife duo Theo and Ora Coster created over 150 toys and games, including Guess Who? Now, their GoPop! toy has sold millions of units and is a hit among TikTok users

www.timesofisrael.com

 

[DaveCinzano]

headline of the year

Anne Frank’s Israeli classmate behind popular breast-inspired fidget toy

Husband-and-wife duo Theo and Ora Coster created over 150 toys and games, including Guess Who? Now, their GoPop! toy has sold millions of units and is a hit among TikTok users

www.timesofisrael.com

Theo, imagine a large field of breasts, ladies’ breasts, that you can push the nipple

Source of John Lennon's inspiration revealed at last

 

[Orang Utan]

Teenager rushed to hospital after shoving USB cable in his penis

The boy, from London, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to 'measure the length of his penis' out of 'sexual curiosity'.

metro.co.uk

"When his mum was out of the room, the boy, whose name was not revealed, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to ‘measure the length of his penis’ out of ‘sexual curiosity’."

I wonder what's wrong with using a ruler.

wouldn't fit

you need to start with something smaller like a narrow plastic cocktail stick and gradually work your way up over time to a ruler/dildo/marrow

 

[two sheds]

voice of experience there

 

[DaveCinzano]

you need to start with something smaller like a narrow plastic cocktail stick and gradually work your way up over time to a ruler/dildo/marrow

No, you have to start with a cocktail umbrella, obvs