Local Newspaper Headlines!

[JuanTwoThree]

The nipples are getting a fair bit of attention in the right hand shot.

 

[cupid_stunt]

It's all happening in Worthing...

Sex toy thief in court

Lisa Davitt, 44, stole a “sex in the shower vibrating body brush” from Miss Cherry Bliss in Worthing.

I know the women that owns that shop.

Worthing Rugby Club faces backlash for sponsorship from Brighton strip club

Fuck knows what the guy who brings in the sponsorship was thinking, especially as they promote themselves as family friendly, and have girls & ladies teams.

Anyway, they have dropped the sponsor, and when I next see the guy, there will be piss-taking.

 

[Yossarian]

 

[josef1878 2.0]

View attachment 183029

 

[Favelado]

Dancing Chorley flasher 'balanced pie on head' before exposing himself at road junction

Dancing Chorley flasher 'balanced pie on head' before exposing himself at road junction

 

[MrSki]

Not a local paper but surely worthy of a mention on here....

I can't make the full copy from Twitter come up, but basically

"Volunteers polish giant's erection by hand. It will take two weeks. Pictured are a group of men concentrating on the shaft and balls"

https://pbs.twimg.com/card_img/1166947984451325954/Qx4_jApk?format=jpg&name=small

 

[cupid_stunt]

This is a classic example of a local rag's staged photos!



Woman threatens to dump maggot-ridden refuse at council office after rubbish isn't collected

 

[Badgers]

 

[cupid_stunt]

Armed police chase runaway tractor at 14mph in Lincolnshire

A tractor driver has been arrested following a low-speed police chase and a road block involving armed officers.

Police tried to pull the tractor and trailer over because it had no lights on, but the driver failed to stop.

Officers then gave chase at a speed of 14mph. They eventually created a road block to bring the tractor to a halt. The driver was arrested and some police vehicles were damaged in the incident.

 

[Steel Icarus]

Armed police chase runaway tractor at 14mph in Lincolnshire

#YellowbellyPride

 

[dessiato]

View attachment 183330

40 minute wank!

 

[Steel Icarus]

40 minute wank!

I know. Wonder why he rushed it?

 

[Badgers]

40 minute wank!

Leisure wank rather than a utility wank I guess.

 

[Steel Icarus]

Leisure wank rather than a utility wank I guess.

That and he was off his kipper on chang

 

[petee]

CDC warns Americans to stop kissing, snuggling chickens

 

[Bus Honeygun]

Man wearing 'Israel' cap sparked bomb alert on rush hour train

Remember, if you see someone bumping into people whilst wearing a cap with the name of a middle eastern country on it, they could be about to explode.

See it, say it, sorted.

 

[Casual Observer]

 

[dessiato]

They're being a bit optimistic.

 

[neonwilderness]

Banned from EVERY Co-Op in England - after stealing some Quality Street

 

[Orang Utan]

I

Banned from EVERY Co-Op in England - after stealing some Quality Street

I'm apparently banned from every Cineworld in the country for complaining about the amount of ice in their drinks and then saying I'd bring my own in future.

 

[neonwilderness]

I'm apparently banned from every Cineworld in the country for complaining about the amount of ice in their drinks and then saying I'd bring my own in future.

Your own drinks or your own ice?

 

[Orang Utan]

Your own drinks or your own ice?

Drinks. The ice was the problem.

 

[danny la rouge]

I

I'm apparently banned from every Cineworld in the country for complaining about the amount of ice in their drinks and then saying I'd bring my own in future.

Your issue here was not the complaint about too much ice, but telling them your solution.

When my eldest daughter was 12, she and some mates wanted to go to the local Vue to see a 15. I said she'd have to lie about her age.

She returned home later.

"Did you enjoy the film?"
"I didn't get in"
"Did they not believe you about your age".
"Yes, they did. That was the problem".
"Eh? What do you mean?"
"I didn't think 15 was believable so I said 13".

 

[Nine Bob Note]

I'm not saying I don't share Mr Fellowes' sense of relief, but I'm damned to see wtf he, Dame Maggie or Downton have to do with South Cumbria

 

[cupid_stunt]

Your issue here was not the complaint about too much ice, but telling them your solution.

When my eldest daughter was 12, she and some mates wanted to go to the local Vue to see a 15. I said she'd have to lie about her age.

She returned home later.

"Did you enjoy the film?"
"I didn't get in"
"Did they not believe you about your age".
"Yes, they did. That was the problem".
"Eh? What do you mean?"
"I didn't think 15 was believable so I said 13".

Reminds me of turning-up at a gig in Ireland...

Doorman - "Are you over 18?"
"Yes, I am 19."
"Sorry, it's over 21's only" < cunt's trick, what a tosser, and he thought he was clever.
"I think you need to get your boss down here."
"Why, who do you think you are?"
<hands over business card - station manager of the local pirate station that had been advertising the gig>
"Oh, I'll check with him."

Needless to say, we got in free, with free drinks, and indeed got locked-in for after hours drinks too.

 

[Orang Utan]

I just happened to be Googling David Van Day and discovered this gem of a headline:
Eighties icon David Van Day to combine 1940s Weekend appearance with north Norfolk house-hunting trip

 

[cupid_stunt]

I just happened to be Googling David Van Day...

Hang on, why?

 

[danny la rouge]

Hang on, why?

Because it’s National David Van day.

 

[cupid_stunt]

Because it’s National David Van day.

Why do I not believe you?

 

[Orang Utan]

Hang on, why?

I was watching a brilliant doc about him being a cock when he joined Bucks Fizz and wanted to see how fucked he looks now.