Local Newspaper Headlines!

[cupid_stunt]

I've just ordered a copy of 'Angry People in Local Newspapers', hardback & 192 pages, so should be enough laughs to make it work £6.72.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Angry-Peop...8-1&keywords=Angry+People+in+Local+Newspapers

 

[moody]

jeez!

A drunk, half-naked man went into McDonald’s at 5am, took off his trousers and pants and began performing the helicopter with his penis in front of customers and staff.


Man performed helicopter with his penis on McDonald's counter | Metro News

 

[moody]

my only question is, what's the "helicopter"?

 

[Calamity1971]

my only question is, what's the "helicopter"?

 

[two sheds]

jeez!

A drunk, half-naked man went into McDonald’s at 5am, took off his trousers and pants and began performing the helicopter with his penis in front of customers and staff.


Man performed helicopter with his penis on McDonald's counter | Metro News

I thought you were relaying a joke until I couldn't see the punchline.

 

[Poi E]

jeez!

A drunk, half-naked man went into McDonald’s at 5am, took off his trousers and pants and began performing the helicopter with his penis in front of customers and staff.


Man performed helicopter with his penis on McDonald's counter | Metro News

It's all spin.

It's the propeller anyway.

 

[hash tag]

Is that what Skindreds Newport helicopter refers to?

 

[Magnus McGinty]

Not local but funny headline:

Multi-millionaire crushed to death by tractor driven by his pet dog

 

[Badgers]

Black Friday cut short after man gets testicles trapped in Aldi door.

Not real but

 

[Sprocket.]

Just spotted this in The Doncaster Free Press.
Not the cartoon btw.

 

[dessiato]

View attachment 153471
Just spotted this in The Doncaster Free Press.
Not the cartoon btw.

They go well together though.

 

[cupid_stunt]

But pro-independence Scottish daily The National was barred by the Number 10 Press Office from attending a press conference with the Prime Minister.

It prompted the paper to run a dramatic front page today showing Mrs May’s silhouette above a dummy two-deck headline, with some words explaining why it had refused to cover the visit.
The National blanks out May after press conference ban - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage

And, blank space inside, where their report would have appeared...

 

[existentialist]

View attachment 153889

And, blank space inside, where their report would have appeared...

View attachment 153890

Good on 'em.

But I hope they actually wrote and laid out the story, then removed it, rather than just making the absent story fit a handy bit of blank space they had on the spread. I lay out a kind of spoof newspaper every year, and I know what an arseache it can be getting it all dovetailed together so everything fits on the page

ETA: in fact, I think I might run a spoof "blank story" myself, come to think of it. I have some blank space...

 

[neonwilderness]

Father's anger at Post Office refusing Scottish money

Mr Burgess, who lives in Walderslade Road, said: "I asked if they would accept Euros, American or Australian Dollars.

"The cashier replied that they would.

"I confirmed with her that the only notes they would not take were Scottish or Irish, to which she replied yes.

"In my opinion it's racist and it is a hate crime."

Mr Burgess, who works for the Royal Mail, said he then went to another Post Office in Princes Avenue, Chatham, and they accepted the note.

 

[cupid_stunt]

Father's anger at Post Office refusing Scottish money

The 'report' falls down by repeating the dickhead's claim that the Post Office would accept Euros, but not Irish note, which are, err, Euros.

As a side note [pun intended] Scottish notes aren't 'legal tender', not even, funny enough, in Scotland.

Scottish banknotes are unusual, first because they are issued by retail banks, not central banks, and second, because they are technically not legal tender anywhere in the United Kingdom – not even in Scotland.

Banknotes of Scotland - Wikipedia

 

[Mordi]

The 'report' falls down by repeating the dickhead's claim that the Post Office would accept Euros, but not Irish note, which are, err, Euros.

As a side note [pun intended] Scottish notes aren't 'legal tender', not even, funny enough, in Scotland.

Surely the ones printed in Belfast are Irish?

 

[neonwilderness]

The 'report' falls down by repeating the dickhead's claim that the Post Office would accept Euros, but not Irish note, which are, err, Euros.

There are different notes in NI I think?

It does remind me of this though

 

[mx wcfc]

Father's anger at Post Office refusing Scottish money

"Victims of a hate crime". FFS and I know people will say anything to get in the papers/get compo, but "victims of a hate crime"? Fck.

 

[cupid_stunt]

Surely the ones printed in Belfast are Irish?

There are different notes in NI I think?

Good point, didn't think of notes from NI.

 

[neonwilderness]

Good point, didn't think of notes from NI.

Racist

 

[cupid_stunt]

Racist

They should have described them as Northern Irish notes.

 

[Mordi]

Good point, didn't think of notes from NI.

I didn't realise notes from outside England weren't recognised as 'legal tender' though. Confirms all my provincial prejudices.

As a child I used to take perverse joy in returning from the Isle of Man with £1 notes and arguing with bus drivers. Highly recommended.

 

[cupid_stunt]

I didn't realise notes from outside England weren't recognised as 'legal tender' though. Confirms all my provincial prejudices.

As a child I used to take perverse joy in returning from the Isle of Man with £1 notes and arguing with bus drivers. Highly recommended.

The Isle of Man, as indeed the Channel Islands, are interesting, because they are not part of UK, unlike Scotland & NI.

 

[Poi E]

Not local but funny headline:

Multi-millionaire crushed to death by tractor driven by his pet dog

Fucking idiot. No handbrake. It's a wonder he didn't kill someone else being such a twat.

 

[Mordi]

The Isle of Man, as indeed the Channel Islands, are interesting, because they are not part of UK, unlike Scotland & NI.

Indeed, I may be misremembering but despite being a Crown Dependency the Manx sterling doesn't have the Queen on it. Just the three legs of Mann.

 

[Yuwipi Woman]

Noxious gas closes down Taco Bell:

Carbon monoxide forces Taco Bell closed

Insert your own joke here....

 

[editor]

Not a local paper, but genius

 

[Boris Sprinkler]

Not local but wtf. Poor people.

Hotel apologises for 'dummy body' tribute to UK couple's dead son

 

[Poi E]

 

[existentialist]

Cultural divide? I can think of a few belief systems whereby effigies of the dead might be potentially A Thing.