Local Newspaper Headlines!

[DotCommunist]

I bought Chipping Norton News ovcer the weekend. 50p from chipping norton tescos, a tragic desk top publishing affair that feels like a school newsletter for the whole town.
The best news item is about a handwritten all caps postcard affixed to a prominent local noticeboard. I read thus:

'Chipping Norton should win Worst High Street of the Year and it would if the criteria were nothing but coffee and pizza outlets,charity shops, empty shops and a ready supply of cocaine. Its got no banks, ATM's that never work and absolutely no diversity, just a smug grubby little town trying to be something it is not'

where to start

 

[Yossarian]

"When we arrived he had already fallen off the roof, he was sitting shaking his head and he then tried to fly and he nearly hit me in the face, I caught him and he threw-up all over me and he reeked of beer."

Seagulls are getting drunk and throwing up on firefighters

 

[petee]

this isn't funny, really

 

[Pickman's model]

 

[Voley]

 

[Ground Elder]

Can't find the story to go with this, but hopefully it's not Photoshop

 

[Badgers]

Seems reasonable

 

[cupid_stunt]

 

[cupid_stunt]

Underwear and sock found dumped on Chesterfield footpath

 

[T & P]

Sheffield topiarist 'disgusted by drunk hedge sex'

Topiarist 'disgusted by drunk hedge sex'

Worth a read

 

[JimW]

Bush-based misunderstanding, I'm sure.

 

[Badgers]

 

[Badgers]

 

[Mordi]

This is superb. Could be improved with a picture of Sharon Bromance, 43, pointing though.

And now I've typed that name out I'm doubting the veracity of this report.

 

[kabbes]

We’ve had this a bunch of times now. It’s a spoof.

 

[Badgers]

We’ve had this a bunch of times now. It’s a spoof.

Fuck you

 

[JimW]

Fuck you

And your hat.

 

[existentialist]

And your hat.

And the horse you rode in on

 

[Badgers]

 

[Voley]

Almost everyone.

 

[Wilf]

Not local, but this would have been an impressive Viz headline 20 years ago:

Jarvis Cocker to take on Bez in Bargain Hunt special edition

Strange how reality eventually catches up.
Jarvis Cocker to take on Bez in Bargain Hunt special edition

 

[hash tag]

Anyone any good with a video camera and could do with some dosh?

Couple offer £2,000 for help with 'weird' wedding request - as no one will do it

 

[Indeliblelink]

Man puts out Southend Pier fire by peeing on it

 

[Badgers]

Listen: Woman rings 999 after she is 'mugged off' by being delivered mushroom pizza instead of meat feast

 

[hash tag]

People like that deserve a night in the cells.

 

[Indeliblelink]

Man repeatedly whacks penis on car before pooing in street while owner and daughter eat chips inside

 

[Opera Buffa]

Man repeatedly whacks penis on car before pooing in street while owner and daughter eat chips inside

Surprising fact fta:

John Henson, 44, had been on a marathon drinking session

The thing is, for non-UK Urbanites, this is what Britain is actually like...

 

[Wilf]

Man repeatedly whacks penis on car before pooing in street while owner and daughter eat chips inside

The driver called the man a “dirty b*****d” and threw some chips towards him, shut her window and then screamed for her mum, a passenger in the car, to do the same.

In my experience, flasher-knob whacking-shit in the street people are unlikely to be repelled by a volley of chips. Same time, Redcar chips are nowhere near as good as those in Saltburn, so I can understand her desire to get rid of them.

(((Teesside)))

 

[Artaxerxes]

He had a difficult upbringing, bless.

 

[Voley]

"Deranged hooligans" and "Harrowing scenes" in this fine piece of Metro journalism: