After transferring to UMIST, I was in student halls in what was nicknamed 'Cockroach House' - iykyk.
And after having initially assumed things would all work out, I'd just ask for my daughter back when I was settled, I was now unwittingly embroiled in legal action on top of trying to study.
Because my father and stepmother had effectively been awarded custody of my daughter at that ex parte hearing, I then had to go to court to even get visitation rights. To my own daughter.
And thus the games began.
A court welfare officer was appointed to write a report about what was in my daughter's best interests.
Consider, in one corner: the care leaver*, the gym slip mum, the irresponsible and uncaring young woman who'd abandoned her daughter and fucked off, who on one particular occasion was supposed to come and visit, and her daughter was excited and looking forward to seeing her mum, who let her down and just didn't turn up (in reality had been crying her eyes out in Victoria coach station in London after realising the next stage of the journey was no longer possible and she wouldn't be able to see her daughter).
*Don't underestimate the stigma attached by those in authority, ie court welfare officers, social workers, judges, to being a care leaver, to having been in care, it didn't matter that I was in care due to having been physically, emotionally and psychologically abused by my father. The stigma attached to me. Kids in care were seen as bad people, less than.
[Sorry, a friend just called for a chat!]
In the other corner, the responsible mature couple, happily married, albeit their second marriage, they offered a stable home, grandfather working in managerial job, grandmother who'd resigned from her part-time job as a bakery shop manager to look after the child (they'd never told me she was going to do that, she was in nursery, so it was arguably not necessary).
I did point out that my father has battered me as a child, and everyone said my daughter was a chip off the old block (ie very bright and back-chatty, challenging behaviour in terms of challenging authority, (she was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager)). I said that he would batter her too. They said he wouldn't.
*Again, I was a care leaver, the fact that I'd been taken into care due to my father battering me seemed to attach a stigma to me, rather than him, like I'd asked for it or something. Whereas my father and grandmother were the 'respectable' ones.
And like I said, the games had begun.
I had to go to court to get visitation rights. A couple of hours on a Saturday, building up to Saturday visits, taking her to the park and/or the science museum or whatever, and also picking her up from school and going for a McDonalds. By now, I'd moved from student halls into a flat share. The landlord had agreed my daughter could stay over. (Had to be documented for court.)
But every time it got to the point where my daughter was supposed to have an overnight visit, they would break off contact. Maybe I'd been 10 minutes late for pickup because of the buses not being on time, so they refused to answer the door.
And every time they broke off contact, I would have to go back to court. It might take two months to get a hearing listed. And then when the case was finally heard, everyone would say 'She hasn't seen you for a couple of months, which is a long time in the life of a young child. So you can't jump straight back to Saturdays and weekday evenings and an overnight stay. We've got to do things gently, ease you back into her routine. You can see her on Saturdays for a couple of months, then build up to picking her up from school, then build up to an overnight stay. Six months later, just when it got to the overnight stay point, they'd find an excuse to break off contact again. Then I'd have to apply to court for another hearing, have to wait another couple of months, then I'd be back to square one.
While all this was going on, I applied for my care records, hoped there might be something in there about my father's abuse that might help my case to win my daughter back. They didn't just hand over my records though. They make you meet with a senior social worker who talks to you, tells you what to expect. So when I was 21-years-old, that's when a senior social worker told me that the only reason my father hadn't been prosecuted for the abuse he'd subjected me to was because the social services hadn't followed their own procedures.
(Like I said, I have my theories why that is, where I grew up, class, parents occupations, etc.)