Here's the real version of the letter:-
Dear Gordon
I love myself. I have worked for my own political self-interest for 20 years; whereas you, sad man, have worked selflessly for the Labour party for far longer, but you've messed it all up, haven't you? I know I owe the taxpayers rather a lot but I hope to get away with it. Professing party loyalty is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
I owe it to myself to say whatever I think might advance my career no matter how hard other MPs stare at me. I now believe your continued leadership makes a Conservative victory more, not less likely, and therefore threatens my career.
That would be disastrous for my finances. This moment calls for stronger ambition, an active ruthlessness, better self-regard, an open commitment to my advancement. It calls for a government that measures itself by how much it can screw out of the poorest in society while claiming to be doing its best for them. Those are both my values and David Cameron's. But you'll never catch me admitting it while there's a chance of holding onto power.
We therefore owe it to the country to give it an empty choice. We need to show that we are prepared to fight against our rival hucksters in the Tory party and have the courage to hold onto the gold plated spoons of the gravy train.
I am therefore calling on you to stand aside to give me a fighting chance of ending up employed in a future coalition government with the Lib Dems, when I should really be forever banished for avoiding Capital Gains Tax. As such I am resigning from government, but am hoping to return very quickly once you are gone and we've appointed Alan Johnson or even, pray god, myself in your place.
The Party was here long before us, and I want it to be here long after you have gone. You must do the right thing by the rest of us.
I am initially seeking the leadership for Alan with the active backing of people you thought were loyal to you. My actions were taken after consultation with my cronies, when they told me he's got a much better chance than me, but who knows how it will pan out? If the consensus is that you should continue, then I will carry on plotting from the backbenches. But I do believe that this question now needs to be put.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to stick the knife in.
Yours,
James Purnell