Orang Utan
Psychick Worrier Ov Geyoor
it's something nearly everyone knows about
International Mens Day
- Thread starter Kesher
- Start date
Johnny Vodka
The Abominable Scotsman
Well, yeah. But the whole point is that this isn't about isolated experiences. It's about having been brushed off so many times in the past (often not very nicely) that this is all you expect in the future, and just stop asking to avoid any more crushing disappointment. Then there are various knock on effects from that and generally building up protective barriers (which, I think, IME has extended to most people - friends, family -, not just women I might fancy). Honestly, people I'm close to can disappear from my life and I just don't care. It 'works' for me, as in it stops me being sad, but it's not normal.
patronising? fucking realistic. you aint helping yourself get out of this, you are wallowing in it.
what do you want? pity?
FridgeMagnet
Administrator
Not talking about any specific case here, but in general the consequences of "failure" in social situations can be hugely different for different people, based on their character and history. To take a non-romantic example, some people are really shit-scared of public speaking. Personally this has never bothered me much (bored, yes) but I know lots of people who would be completely mortified if they had to give a presentation at work or make a speech at a wedding. There are professional performers who get regularly hammered beforehand to deal with it. I've accepted that my saying "it's not so bad, buck up, what's the worst that can happen" is pointless and often makes people feel worse; for whatever reason, they feel it much more than I do.
Similarly with relationships. As per my post last page, I'd say that the traditional male gender role leads to some men finding the process extremely high-pressure, to the point where just avoiding it altogether actually feels better. Not that there aren't other possible reasons but I thought I'd go with the thread topic, why not.
Similarly with relationships. As per my post last page, I'd say that the traditional male gender role leads to some men finding the process extremely high-pressure, to the point where just avoiding it altogether actually feels better. Not that there aren't other possible reasons but I thought I'd go with the thread topic, why not.
weltweit
Well-Known Member
And if not there is always stalking
DotCommunist
So many particulars. So many questions.
we call it mcgrathing nowAnd if not there is always stalking
Orang Utan
Psychick Worrier Ov Geyoor
It is also World Toilet Day today. So y'all remember to use a toilet today, m'k?
well I make myself do shit when it's uncomfortable because thats how you get over things or learn stuff - whats the worst that can happen is a useful question to pinpoint where the fear originates - but then I've had psychotherapy - the question can feel dismissive because it's something people have taken to saying to brush something off and is often accompanied by 'buck up' but if someone is actually asking you whats the worst thing that can happen with a view to helping you manage those things then it can be useful to answer honestly and assess those fears.
keybored
Well done. You remember cat good.
What if being single is a "privileged position"? You just need to be positive about it.
It is possible to lose your 'groove' and it is possible to get it back. Let's make this about me!
I spent my university years and the flat-sharing years after them as a fairly popular person in many ways. Not just pulling. Admittedly it was a promiscuous time but also a time when people were fairly but not painfully honest to one's face, especially when stoned, so I knew that I was not overly attractive but thought of as loyal, funny, sociable and a lot of positives that mitigated the fact that I wasn't everybody's physical cup of tea. I wasn't nobody's.
As my friends paired up more permanently during our mid twenties I was increasingly alone. I ended up in a bed-sit rather than in the shambolic but sociable bottle-party house-shares and work got harder and people seemed to get more shallow. I basically shut down my sex- and social life for years on end, drank too much and told myself that it really didn't matter, that I was self-contained. The cat that walks by itself. Really my confidence was shattered. It wasn't just getting off with people, it was talking to somebody from when work finished on Friday night to again on Monday morning.
There wasn't a magic formula for getting back into the swing of things. Perhaps once the first wave of settlers down had paired off the more scarred 30-somethings took their sweet time to network with each other. Perhaps it was doing slightly more age-appropriate things like hobbies and going to places like Davy's Wine bars where other slightly older people met. And not being maudlin pissed must have helped. Who knows?
Whatever it was, another stage began. More civilized, and more expensive, than prolonging late adolescence (but without any mates in either sense of the word by then) well into my late twenties. I seemed to be bumping into more people and things picked up, in terms of a second set of friends who I hadn't met at University or first jobs and other unattached people seemed to around again, some of them freed of relationships they'd embarked on when they were in their early twenties.
(I have never said any of this stuff to anybody, so take the piss carefully, please)
I spent my university years and the flat-sharing years after them as a fairly popular person in many ways. Not just pulling. Admittedly it was a promiscuous time but also a time when people were fairly but not painfully honest to one's face, especially when stoned, so I knew that I was not overly attractive but thought of as loyal, funny, sociable and a lot of positives that mitigated the fact that I wasn't everybody's physical cup of tea. I wasn't nobody's.
As my friends paired up more permanently during our mid twenties I was increasingly alone. I ended up in a bed-sit rather than in the shambolic but sociable bottle-party house-shares and work got harder and people seemed to get more shallow. I basically shut down my sex- and social life for years on end, drank too much and told myself that it really didn't matter, that I was self-contained. The cat that walks by itself. Really my confidence was shattered. It wasn't just getting off with people, it was talking to somebody from when work finished on Friday night to again on Monday morning.
There wasn't a magic formula for getting back into the swing of things. Perhaps once the first wave of settlers down had paired off the more scarred 30-somethings took their sweet time to network with each other. Perhaps it was doing slightly more age-appropriate things like hobbies and going to places like Davy's Wine bars where other slightly older people met. And not being maudlin pissed must have helped. Who knows?
Whatever it was, another stage began. More civilized, and more expensive, than prolonging late adolescence (but without any mates in either sense of the word by then) well into my late twenties. I seemed to be bumping into more people and things picked up, in terms of a second set of friends who I hadn't met at University or first jobs and other unattached people seemed to around again, some of them freed of relationships they'd embarked on when they were in their early twenties.
It is hard work creating relationships, but I don't completely agree that 'shutting down' is either totally a bad idea or totally a good idea. The danger is that the wound-licking stage can become permanent.
(I have never said any of this stuff to anybody, so take the piss carefully, please)
keybored
Well done. You remember cat good.
surprisingly I've been in a relationship with a real woman for 17 years
and I'm me.
so I am doable
Fixed.
bubblesmcgrath
Well-Known Member
DotCommunist
So many particulars. So many questions.
I'm afraid rory has stained the honour of the clan m8
bubblesmcgrath
Well-Known Member
camouflage
gaslit at scale.
To be fair, this sentiment- "man the fuck up", causes a lot of confusion that's pertinent to issues around International Mens Day. In our culture it's either "man the fuck up" or "fucking men and their need to control/project power/never admit to feeling non-GOAL!!!-related emotion/weakness/inadequacy or self-doubt".
mojo pixy
...שלא נמצא בשמאל
"Man up" can be triggering and counter productive. "You're not masculine enough and that makes you weak" is not such good advice for someone who finds their own masculinity uncomfortable or who for one reason or another just doesn't want to be more masculine.
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it was a sarcastic remark related to another post where I said it - with the impression it was a last resort - based on johnnys insinuations only one person on this thread has 'real issues'
anything can be 'triggering' that trigger shit doesnt wash.
anything can be 'triggering' that trigger shit doesnt wash.
Johnny Vodka
The Abominable Scotsman
No. Most of us have issues. I've questioned whether you identify with this particular issue and nothing you've said in response makes me think you do.
you honestly think I have never in my life been rejected or felt lonely or been alone or felt unloveable or any of the other shit?
and actually you told me that stella has 'real issues' - which infers nobody elses least of all mine are important or relevant.
you're fucking delusional.
Johnny Vodka
The Abominable Scotsman
It's over what sort of period and by how many people. If you could go out tonight and make contact, if you could create a profile on a dating site tonight and get any interest, then you don't know what i'm talking about.
Johnny Vodka
The Abominable Scotsman
'real issues ' on this particular topic, and doesn't negate any issues you might have . Not hard to figure out in context.
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