Couldn't post the following in the Fail’s comments section for some reason, so Urban will have to do instead, a damn poor substitute, but there you go:
“If you ask me, this is just a lot of silly fuss over nothing. Whatever happened to real men settling their differences in robust fashion?
These days, if you’re unfortunate enough to be sat on the Tube adjacent to a mewling, puking toddler, wailing and befouling itself, you can’t even give it a firm clip round the ear any more. Try that now and Sadiq Khan’s BtP stormtroopers will have dragged you off to chokey in an instant.
Nanny state! When I was a cheeky teenager I had a number of run-ins with elected members of parliament who inevitably bested me on account of our size differential. Never did me any harm - indeed, these altercations taught me the meaning of respect.
I well recall an autumn afternoon some time in the 1980s while strolling across Hampstead Heath. Who did I espy ahead of me on the footpath but the former Labour leader Michael Foot!
“Get out of my way you old fool”, I shouted in jocular fashion. “Coffin dodgers like you should remain indoors sucking on a Werthers instead of blocking people’s way”
Well! He certainly didn’t take that kindly; as a vocal supporter of CND and a supposed man of peace I was surprised. The Rt Hon M Foot MP proceeded to belabour me about my head, arms and shoulders with his walking stick, and these were no mean blows, let me tell you. I was aching and bruised for some weeks after, but it taught me a valuable lesson.
Similarly, I was once waiting in a taxi queue in London’s West End after a rather egregious session in a nightclub. I noticed John Prescott MP in the queue behind me, and by way of badinage, and to pass the time, I uttered a few words of harmless banter.
“Get back on your trawler, you unkempt upstart”, I jovially said. “Oafs like yourself who stink of halibut have no place in the Mother of Parliaments - your only useful service to the nation is hauling in the fishing nets to feed your betters - off you trot, you Grimsby goblin”
Goodness me, I was on the ground in a trice! Mr Prescott expertly felled me with a jab-hook combination that would’ve given the great Sugar Ray Robinson pause for thought. That made me choose my words more carefully in future!
And please don’t assume I was some sort of anti-Labour firebrand; I have also been put in my place by more than one eminent Tory. I vividly recall an evening dinner dance at my local Conservative Club. I expect I’d over-imbibed, as was my wont in my younger days, and could sometimes be loose-tongued, especially when it came to paying compliments to the ladies.
Guest of honour that night was best-selling author and Conservative chairman Sir Jeffrey Archer (I suppose these days I had better write ‘chairperson’ in case His Majesty’s Police pay me a visit 
)
While he was busy signing copies of his latest page-turner, I seized the opportunity to whisper a few harmless and endearing bon mots
into his fragrant wife’s shell-like. “Wouldn’t mind bending you over the billiards table darling”, I quipped.
She turned a vivid shade of puce and immediately sought her better half, who was ‘in my face’ in a matter of seconds.
“Bit of a ladies’ man are yer?” he bellowed, somewhat aggressively, I have to say. “Time for a straightener ‘mate’ - you an’ me, on the cobbles - outside now you cant!”
Archer gave me a merciless thumping that had me crying for my mother. I was in hospital for ten days afterwards.
But I want to make it plain that I bear no malice, neither to him, Prescott or Foot. We once took Pride in our strong men who rose up firmly in hard times, standing stiff and proud … before bending the knee, Gay Rights and other assorted foolishnesses took hold of our once-great nation.
Who can forget that immortal scene in Ken Russell’s ‘Women In Love’ when a nude Alan Bates and an equally naked Oliver Reed, their firm bodies gleaming with massage oil, wrestle manfully in front of a cosy hearth, their lissom limbs set a-gleam by the fire’s flickering glow?
These types of manly pursuits are what made Britain Great!”
www.mpwarcrimes.co.uk
