I was a party member from 1985- 2003, I remember how, within our branch meetings, and Marxisms, we impressed ourselves with our intellectual and theoretical sophistication, and failed entirely to notice that the world around us was changing, and the audience willing to listen was shrinking. I was never instructed not to read non party literature, but it was considered unhealthy, ( the aggression and antipathy which was displayed toward the small groups outside Marxism was well beyond their threat to to the SWP, and displayed a closed mind attitude), and it is noticeable how I self censored my reading, and never strayed beyond leninisms.
I remember being at a Marxism I think in the early 1990s, and cliff declaring that everyone over 30 was 'rubbish'; in a mass rally full of comrades who had struggled and sacrificed through the dark days of the 1980s, and were at last being offered the chance that a new decade might finally give us some reward, some victories after so many defeats, here was our leader telling us that WE were the impediment preventing the SWP from succeeding!
And yet, did anyone protest? I was pissed off and looked around the hall, and all of these same people were laughing and applauding and shouting their agreement.
I remained a party member for another ten years, but that moment, when Cliff stood and insulted virtually his entire party, and they lapped it up, has stuck with me ever since.
