I'm not sure if I'm having a minor wobble or a bad week or if I'm spiraling downwards out of control. I'm trying to claim PIP at the moment (completely my own decision, although I do in theory have support - my meltdowns tend to be quiet and invisible so it's not immediately obvious that I could be entitled to claim) and it's a proper headfuck. Focusing on all the shit I can't do as well/quickly/often as most people or even at all, trying to give detailed enough answers that I'll actually get some help without exaggerating or feeling like a fraud...
My support worker is trying to get me moved out of the hostel I'm in now. I can see why - they have their targets and boxes to tick, and my giving a few clean drug tests and not constantly causing trouble or having the police or paramedics at the door marks me as an ideal candidate with my "low support needs". I can fake it for a short time, I even feel confident and positive enough to make plans on my good days, but the effort tires me out and I crash. I fall out of my routine, I miss appointments, I can't readjust my plans so I just don't do anything at all - don't wash, don't eat, don't take my meds properly, don't go out except to walk the dog down quiet streets at night... But that's not visible. And I can manage some stuff some of the time, so it's not like I need 24-hour intensive support, but by the time I do need help it's too late to ask and start making plans. I can't even imagine what effective, appropriate support would look like.
I'm scared to acknowledge that need, that I can't even manage simple, basic shit "safely, to an acceptable standard, as often as needed and in a reasonable time"
I'm scared to keep doing what little I can to keep myself afloat, because then surely I don't really need more help? I'm scared to give in and lay all this crap out for people to see, because if I stop kicking and no one's there to save me I might just sink for good.