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Why people don't want kids anymore (apparently)

I was more speaking from an emotional point of view. Some people still have children despite not wanting them, for all sorts of reasons. But that number has fallen considerably as your statistics show. So the number of people who don't want children is the same, regardless of whether they have them or not. People just have more choice.

I imagine there were many, many resentful parents in olden times who felt they couldn't voice their utter horror as another unwanted pregnancy revealed itself.
About 10 years ago, I had a very honest conversation with my dad’s best mate who is from an Irish Catholic family with 9 kids. He told me that his dad was a total bastard and would pretty much rape his mother whenever he felt like it. Being brought up in the 1940s, no one talked about it and I got the feeling he was unburdening himself - since we were being brutally honest about our respective family troubles. Bloody horrific though - esp. while being held up by the church as a fine example of a respectable WC Catholicism.
 
My own excuse(s)

  • money, we have just about enough to live on
  • housing, I was renting till I was 40 (so 2 years ago)
  • neither of us have or are close to family so all of that unbilled support isn't there and neither of us have a particularly strong social network

Those are the main ones, others are available
My (& Mrs SFM’s) experience of family pretty much informed our decision not to have kids. I had a shitty childhood with an unpredictable, violent and mentally ill dad who made it clear to me when he was drunk on many occasions that he regretted getting married, having kids, and wished he’d joined the Navy instead. My dad’s mother was an evil old witch who nearly died trying to have a second child and I think she took it out on my old man for the rest of his life. Mrs SFM and I set up home with no family support network - something most of our friends with kids rely on heavily - plus, having a brother 10 years younger, I was aware at an early age how much work and stress a child is. Another reason is, having inherited a lot of my dad’s mental illness traits, I had no wish to pass those genes on and the idea of repeating my parents’ mistakes was too horrendous to contemplate.
On the plus side, we have several godchildren who seem to be growing up OK - so nice to have the contact with the next generation - and many of our friends treat us like extended family anyway and include us in their significant events and anniversaries. Feel quite lucky.
 
And specifically, the rise of childless aged folk will, inevitably, place ever more demands on the adult social care 'system'. Unpaid geriatric care from children must save the state tens of billions, but with greater proportions of the childless reaching old age that element of unpaid care will decrease. We're already back to levels of childlessness not seen since the immediate post WW1 era when the shortage of marriage partners reduced marriage and family prospects.


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This 2021 Economist piece was bigging up the non-economic factors lying behind declining fertility rates:



and seeing this consequence:
Few old people are childless today. Those celebrating their 80th birthdays this year belong to a cohort born in 1941, among whom only 11% ended up child-free. Falling fertility and growing lifespans mean that the number of childless 80-year-olds will triple over the next two decades, according to the ons, and seems likely to rise thereafter. That will put more pressure on the care system, because old people without children are more likely to receive formal care.

This is pretty much the ultimate social and personal argument for having kids of course they will return the favour and look after you when you can no longer do it for yourself.
'You care for us when we're gaining our teeth. we'll care for you when your losing yours'

My Dad gets the following services :-

A full personal concierge service where someone handles all his dealings with the bank, the council, his GP, his dentist for him. If he needs anything doing at his house someone books a tradesman and turns up to supervise them and handles payment.

Twice a week someone with full knowledge of his specific dietary requirements does all his shopping brings it to his house and puts it away.

Personal taxi service that collects him from his living room (not merely his door) and takes him to any appointments such as the hospital and waits there for him before taking him back home.

Someone visits every day without fail to check on his welfare especially because the stubborn old sod still won't wear his frigging alert pendant, they usually do the washing up and check he's eating properly whilst they're there.

There are lots of people involved this but he can confident that everything is fully co-ordinated and is able to hand over full control of his financial affairs to someone who he can trust absolutely.

He doesn't get this because Cheshire East provide a superlative care service to their pensioners (far fucking from it from what I hear) nor is he rich.
It's because he has a family (4 kids, 13 grandkids and 15 great-grandkids) and there are millions of other families providing tens of billions of care services to other elderly people. The Q's are far from unique.

There is no possible way that the state can provide this level of care, it just doesn't have the financial resources or certainly the manpower resources to do it. The care system will collapse instantly without the care provided by families especially children.
Eventually the situation will sort itself out as the old person bulge just dies off and they shrink back to being a proper percentage of a smaller population but that is a rather brutal solution.
 
About 10 years ago, I had a very honest conversation with my dad’s best mate who is from an Irish Catholic family with 9 kids. He told me that his dad was a total bastard and would pretty much rape his mother whenever he felt like it.

my mayo mother, born 1913, was one of 12. i have long wondered how her mother dealt with it - 12 kids in about 14 years - and what her (my grandmother's) relationship was with her husband.

i'm a singleton, and have no kids. so from 19 (throwing in my father's family), to one, to none.
 
This is pretty much the ultimate social and personal argument for having kids of course they will return the favour and look after you when you can no longer do it for yourself.
'You care for us when we're gaining our teeth. we'll care for you when your losing yours'

My Dad gets the following services :-

A full personal concierge service where someone handles all his dealings with the bank, the council, his GP, his dentist for him. If he needs anything doing at his house someone books a tradesman and turns up to supervise them and handles payment.

Twice a week someone with full knowledge of his specific dietary requirements does all his shopping brings it to his house and puts it away.

Personal taxi service that collects him from his living room (not merely his door) and takes him to any appointments such as the hospital and waits there for him before taking him back home.

Someone visits every day without fail to check on his welfare especially because the stubborn old sod still won't wear his frigging alert pendant, they usually do the washing up and check he's eating properly whilst they're there.

There are lots of people involved this but he can confident that everything is fully co-ordinated and is able to hand over full control of his financial affairs to someone who he can trust absolutely.

He doesn't get this because Cheshire East provide a superlative care service to their pensioners (far fucking from it from what I hear) nor is he rich.
It's because he has a family (4 kids, 13 grandkids and 15 great-grandkids) and there are millions of other families providing tens of billions of care services to other elderly people. The Q's are far from unique.

There is no possible way that the state can provide this level of care, it just doesn't have the financial resources or certainly the manpower resources to do it. The care system will collapse instantly without the care provided by families especially children.
Eventually the situation will sort itself out as the old person bulge just dies off and they shrink back to being a proper percentage of a smaller population but that is a rather brutal solution.
This is why I’ll probably look to end things if I get to the point that I can’t look after myself. No family to assist, unlikely to have the money to pay for care even if I wanted to, and by expecting nothing from the state I will not be disappointed.
 
This is why I’ll probably look to end things if I get to the point that I can’t look after myself. No family to assist, unlikely to have the money to pay for care even if I wanted to, and by expecting nothing from the state I will not be disappointed.
Brutally honest and I can completely get what you're saying.
 
I will be telling my kids that if I go gaga when I'm older they are to put me in a home ASAP. I have no expectation that they should dedicate their lives to looking after me and will try to arrange finances so that that burden is limited as well.
That's very fore-sighted and sensible. However, many of the present generation of elderly grew up in rental and, having been able to become homeowners in the 50's & 60's, are reluctant to countenance giving up their home. They hang on longer than they should and regard being "put in home" as failure. When they retain mental capacity it's difficult for their kids to change that situation if they are determined.
 
I had no life plans to have kids but ended up having 2 because I was with someone I loved who really did want them. 100% would have broken up if I had said no.

Overall I love them to bits and dont regret my decision, but I don't want any more. Life especially with very young < 4yo littleys is hard- very little sleep, free time or money (because of childcare). Also quite limiting because of the type of stuff you can do. I have also had lots of rows with my wife over parenting style - her parents doted over their 5 kids who were their all; I am an only child to 2 much more 'laissez faire' parents.

My eldest is 7 and a proper character - great fun to be around. I am looking forward to going on grown up adventures with both of them soon.
 
They're probably already planning it.
Siblings and I had worked out a rota for mum-duties once she's in need of assistance. Mum point-blank refused. 'being a burden' wasn't that big a deal. More that she doesn't want to be shuffled about and patronised by her children...
 
That's very fore-sighted and sensible. However, many of the present generation of elderly grew up in rental and, having been able to become homeowners in the 50's & 60's, are reluctant to countenance giving up their home. They hang on longer than they should and regard being "put in home" as failure. When they retain mental capacity it's difficult for their kids to change that situation if they are determined.
My parents have given my siblings and I power of attorney, we signed stuff a few years ago. I don't suspect will ever be needed for my mum as her health is crappy enough that she's not likely to make it to having dementia or being super frail... dad may be another matter and would be very reluctant to leave home.
 
My parents have given my siblings and I power of attorney, we signed stuff a few years ago. I don't suspect will ever be needed for my mum as her health is crappy enough that she's not likely to make it to having dementia or being super frail... dad may be another matter and would be very reluctant to leave home.
Again, very sensible.
Unfortunately, speaking from experience, not all families are so organised.
 
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