Great Father Ted quotes

[Gingerman]

Fr Dougal:God, Ted, I've never met anyone like him anywhere. Who would he be like, Hitler or one of those mad fellas?
Fr Ted:Oh, worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning.

Fr Ted:What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them...
Fr.Dougal:A shower of bastards

Fr.Dougal:Hello Len
Bishop Brennanon't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!

Fr.Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about


Bishop Brennan:Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery

 

[stavros]

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway...
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

I watched "And God Created Woman" last night, and this was the stand-out moment.

 

[two sheds]

tbh you could start at the very first second of the first episode and go through to the last second of the last episode and it would all be quality


anyhow

that would be an ecumenical matter

Ta for the thread peoples, i'd only seen a couple of episodes so i watched em all and yep all quality and they get better and better.

 

[damnhippie]

/\/\/\/\

i just spilled beer laughing at that one

EDIT the 'get your bollocks out of my face' one. not the post directly after. although i'm sure it was fine

 

[stavros]

/\/\/\/\

i just spilled beer laughing at that one

EDIT the 'get your bollocks out of my face' one. not the post directly after. although i'm sure it was fine

I know, I've seen every episode so many times, but when Mrs Doyle gets on her high horse like that I'm in hysterics still.

 

[Harold Hill]

Father Jack: 'That would be an ecumen..........YES'

Eoin McLove: (To Ted) I can have you killed!

The audience member at the sheep contest after each revelation : 'Fucking hell'

 

[Gingerman]

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle?
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]
Father Ted: Anyway...
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

I watched "And God Created Woman" last night, and this was the stand-out moment.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Sorry to bump a 10-year-old thread but I can't believe no-one shared the following -


DOUGAL (after being introduced to American Father Buzz Cagney): Ah, we were just talking about that Kurt Cobain fella from Nirvana, he was an American. God, imagine shooting yourself in the head! Sure how did he survive that!
(Buzz looks askance at Ted).
TED: Er, he didn't, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Ah, right so!

 

[kittyP]

Something along the lines of......

Ted: "Now you know Bishop (someone) has just got out of hospital after suffering a heart attack. There can be no sudden noises......

......

Dougal "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH"
"I just remembered Aliens is on"

Ted: "We are not watching Aliens, the bishops are here."

Dougal "Ah come on Ted, bishops love Aliens!"

It was actually "bishops love sci-fi" but its still my favourite.
No matter how many times I've seen it I am weeping with laughter

 

[kittyP]

Sorry to bump a 10-year-old thread but I can't believe no-one shared the following -


DOUGAL (after being introduced to American Father Buzz Cagney): Ah, we were just talking about that Kurt Cobain fella from Nirvana, he was an American. God, imagine shooting yourself in the head! Sure how did he survive that!
(Buzz looks askance at Ted).
TED: Er, he didn't, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Ah, right so!

Thank you for bumping.
Im at my sisters house, every one is inside bed, including the 2 year old and I'm crying with laughter reading this, nearly suffocating trying to stifle the noise

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Take me to see Chris, the unhappy sheep!

 

[keybored]

Ted - Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices Dougal?

Dougal - Oh just six, I don’t think I could eat eight.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Ted - Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices Dougal?

Dougal - Oh just six, I don’t think I could eat eight.

What episode was that?

 

[keybored]

What episode was that?

Good question

 

[LeytonCatLady]

'Tis the biggest lingerie section in Ireland, so I believe! I read that... somewhere.

 

[T & P]

Here's Mrs Doyle complaining about the language in the book...

 

[LeytonCatLady]

(Father Todd Unctious walks into Ted and Dougal's room uninvited):

"Ah, look at ya lying there like a big pair of feckin' eejits!"

 

[Nine Bob Note]

(Father Todd Unctious walks into Ted and Dougal's room uninvited):

"Ah, look at ya lying there like a big pair of feckin' eejits!"

So, here we are then... All the lads

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Hey! We're on a plane!

 

[stavros]

Sorry to bump a 10-year-old thread but I can't believe no-one shared the following -


DOUGAL (after being introduced to American Father Buzz Cagney): Ah, we were just talking about that Kurt Cobain fella from Nirvana, he was an American. God, imagine shooting yourself in the head! Sure how did he survive that!
(Buzz looks askance at Ted).
TED: Er, he didn't, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Ah, right so!

Keeping the musical theme going:

Ted: "I was young once. The things we got up to in the seminary! Me and the lads, once we mitched off to see a Dana concert."
Dougal: "Dana! No one's listening to Dana any more. You'd be mad to listen to her."
Ted: "Yeah? Father Bigley listens to Dana and he's not mad."
Dougal: "Why's he in that home, then?"
Ted: "He's in that home because of those fires. That's nothing to do with Dana."

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Keeping the musical theme going:

Ted: "I was young once. The things we got up to in the seminary! Me and the lads, once we mitched off to see a Dana concert."
Dougal: "Dana! No one's listening to Dana any more. You'd be mad to listen to her."
Ted: "Yeah? Father Bigley listens to Dana and he's not mad."
Dougal: "Why's he in that home, then?"
Ted: "He's in that home because of those fires. That's nothing to do with Dana."

TED: "What should we write our song about?"
DOUGAL: "How about...a lovely horse!"

 

[Jay Park]

“That money was just resting in my account”

 

[LeytonCatLady]

TED: Who's got the most boring voice?
Boring priest: Me, Ted. Sure I have an incredibly dirgy boring voice...
Enthusiastic priest: Ted! Did you want a dramatic, theatrical voice?

 

[stavros]

 

[Throbbing Angel]

'Those women were in the nip!'

 

[LeytonCatLady]

"He's got a mane of white hair, kinda like a mule. Big hairy ass. Lives with an idiot boy, name of Dougal."

 

[Throbbing Angel]

'I hear you're a racist now Father'

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Mrs Doyle: Would ya like some cake Father?
Ted: No thanks Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure now? I put cocaine in it!

 

[neonwilderness]

'I hear you're a racist now Father'

“How did you get interested in that type of thing?”

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Best get going Father. Milk gets sour quickly! Except UHT milk but there's no demand for it because it's shite.