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Great Father Ted quotes

Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!

Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.

Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?

Ted: Yes, I... well...if you're going to be...of course you will...JUST FECK OFF!
 
Woollyredhat said:
Another great moment, can't remember the episoide is the one with Dougal and the van rigged with a bomb. Must watch some of Ted after this!
Click to expand...

"Speed 3". Dougal takes over milkman duties after Pat Mustard is revealed as the father of all the hairy babies, but Mustard fits it with a bomb that is activated once the milkfloat goes above 4mph, and explodes if it drops below it. :D
 
From Speed 3:

Mrs. Doyle: "Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box."
Father Ted: "What?!?!? How dare you!!"
Pat Mustard: [raising a large spanner] "Yes, its too big for the milk float!"
 
FT: Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole bottle of dreamy sleepy nighty snoozy snooze!!!
 
Dougal: "TED! TED! TED! TED!




















Would you like a peanut?"

My lot say this when we rudely, intentionaly wake someone up.
 
Father Dougal: But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Father Ted: Dougal! They're bishops!


Along with...

Father Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!
 
Ted: What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)
 
As Ted suspects Dougal of stealing the whistle;
Ted: "Dougal, have you got something on your mind?"
(blank look from Dougal)
Ted: "Let me rephrase that...."

:D
 
when they are trying to tranquilise-dart the drunk star:

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted Crilly: Were you in Vietnam, Sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.
 
Dougal: "It's a film where there's a man who's got the head of a fly, and the body of a fly."
Ted: "Oh yes, what was that called?"
Dougal: "Out Of Africa I think."
:D
 
Just remembered a couple of great Mrs Doyle-isms;

Mrs Doyle: "Will you not have a sandwich?"
Priest: "Ah no thank you."
Mrs Doyle: "Ah go on, they're diagonal."

Mrs Doyle: "Will you have a bit of cake Father?"
Ted: "No thank you Mrs Doyle."
Mrs Doyle: "Ah go on, there's cocaine in it."
Ted: "Cocaine?!"
Mrs Doyle: "Ah not cocaine, what do I mean? Ah yes, raisins."

:D
 
What a ray of sunshine on a very murky day this thread is. :D

Fr Jack:"iiiii'm sooooooo soooooooo-reeeee!"
Fr Ted: "Now that's sarcasm."

and of course


"He DID kick me up the arse!"
 
As Jack sobers up for the first time in 14 years;
Jack (pointing): "Chair."
Ted: "That's right Father."
Jack: "Floor.... window.... wall...."
Ted: "That's great, Father, keep going."
Jack (pointing at Ted): "Gobshite."

:D
 
Dougal describing what this mysterious sheep-eating beast looks like:

"... instead of a mouth it has 4 arses!"

(or something along those lines)
 
The first of the first episode scene, Ted is talking to Jack when Dougal walks in covered in shaving foam.

Ted: "Dougal, you've got some shaving foam there."
Dougal: "What, here?" (rubs a tiny bit off)
Ted: "Yes, and just up.... and.... God Dougal, it's all over your face."
(Dougal looks in the mirror)
Dougal: "God, how did that get there, I didn't even shave this morning."

About 20 seconds into the first episode and already you know it's going to be a bit special. :D
 
Clip from 'The Mainland' Episode

Ted: “Yunno, your man from one foot in the grave, the "I Dooon't Beeeelieeeeve it" man”

Dougal: “Ooooh Wow”

Ted: “God that's amazing, look at him there”

slight pause

Ted (sniggering): “Do you know what he'd love?”

Dougal: “what?”

Ted: “He'd love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase”

Dougal: “ohhh yeah Ted, He'd Love that! You should definitely do that”

Ted: “Should I?”

Dougal: “Awww Yeah, I'd say no one ever does that to him, he'd think you're hilarious. Yunno, this is one of these times that I'm absolutely 100 million per cent sure that you'd be doing the right thing. I can safely say you'd definitely definitely won't regret doing that.”

Ted: “Yunno what? I'm going to do it!”

Dougal: “Brilliant Ted”

Ted: “Will I?”

Dougal: “Yeahhhh Go on.”

Ted: “Hold the camera”

Ted walks away, turns and gives the thumbs up sign to Dougal and just before he reaches the guide and Richard turns once more to Dougal and gives the thumbs up signal again to Dougal who reciprocates.

Ted (in the loudest ear-shattering voice) "I DON'T BELIEVE IT"

Short pause of disbelief before Richard attacks Ted several times until they are separated

Richard: “I'll Bloody well kill you”

A long limping walk back to Dougal.

Dougal: “well, what did he say, did he laugh.”

Ted: “no, no no, not really, I'm going to sit down now.”

That was the most hilarious scene from 'Fadder Ted'. Well worth soiling myself; and, I'd willingly soil myself again for the chance to watch it!
 
Woman I work with has never seen a single second of Father Ted.
She watches a lot of telly too.
 
tbh you could start at the very first second of the first episode and go through to the last second of the last episode and it would all be quality


anyhow

that would be an ecumenical matter
 
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