Great Father Ted quotes

[Eggby]

Terry (On the phone to Ted):
Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.

Ted (smiling):
Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. They go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

TED: What are you doing still up, Mrs Doyle?
MRS DOYLE: Ah, I always stay up Father, in case one of yer comes down for a cup of tea!
TED: But Mrs Doyle, we never get up!
MRS DOYLE: Well you're up now all right! Unless I'm hallucinating due to lack of sleep. Sure that's happened before!
TED: I just need me coat, Mrs Doyle, I'm going out.
MRS DOYLE: Right so! (sighs, clicks light off and continues to stand there in the dark).

 

[JuanTwoThree]

Fathers: Andy Riley, Desmond Coyle, George Byrne, David Nicholson, Declan Lynch, Ken Sweeney, Neil Hannon, Keith Cullen, Ciaran Donnelly, Mick McEvoy, Jack White, Henry Bigbigging, Hank Tree, Hiroshima Twinkie, Stig Bubblecard, Johnny Helzapoppin, Luke Duke, Billy Furley, Chewy Loui, John Hoop, Harry Cakelinem, Rabulah Conundrum, Pee-wee Stairmaster, Tri-Peglips, Jemimah Ractoole, Jerry Twig, Spodo Komodo, Canabra Malamer, Todd Unctious.

Not lovingly collated by me, I found a list.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Father Jack White

It's only because of the fact that this episode was from 1996 that I know this isn't a reference to yer man from White Stripes.

 

[stavros]

Richard Wilson isn't English.

I didn't know that either.

Besides, I later realised that there were other English people besides him and Eno, as Ozzie Yue is the dad of the Yin family in Are You Right There Father Ted? and he's from Liverpool.

Anyway:

 

[LeytonCatLady]

TED: I need to order some really black priests' socks.
DOUGAL: Are priests' socks blacker than any other type of sock?
TED: Yes Dougal, if you go into a layman's shop you'll see what look like black socks but are really just very very dark blue.
DOUGAL: That's true. I thought my uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked closer, they were very very VERY very dark blue!
TED: Never buy black socks from an ordinary shop. They'll shaft you every time!
(Dougal looks nervous).

 

[Buckaroo]

Fathers: Andy Riley, Desmond Coyle, George Byrne, David Nicholson, Declan Lynch, Ken Sweeney, Neil Hannon, Keith Cullen, Ciaran Donnelly, Mick McEvoy, Jack White, Henry Bigbigging, Hank Tree, Hiroshima Twinkie, Stig Bubblecard, Johnny Helzapoppin, Luke Duke, Billy Furley, Chewy Loui, John Hoop, Harry Cakelinem, Rabulah Conundrum, Pee-wee Stairmaster, Tri-Peglips, Jemimah Ractoole, Jerry Twig, Spodo Komodo, Canabra Malamer, Todd Unctious.

Todd Unctious!

 

[Buckaroo]

 

[LeytonCatLady]

View attachment 187351

Your user name reminded me of another one:

DOUGAL: Chess or Buckaroo, Ted?
TED: Buckaroo.
DOUGAL: Only joking Ted! I fancy a game of chess today. Ready for another thrashing?
TED: Dougal...you've never beaten me, ever!

 

[stavros]

 

[T & P]

Fucking brilliant episode, that...

 

[Throbbing Angel]

 

[stavros]

Dougal: "Oh, look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella, Harvey Keitel?"
Ted: "Harvey Keitel? God, Dougal, how could a rabbit look like Harv-... God almighty! It's the spitting image!"

 

[friendofdorothy]

Down with this sort of thing!

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Careful now!

 

[DexterTCN]

Careful now!

Right then.

 

[stavros]

 

[stavros]

Bishop Brennan: "The number of people's lives irreparably damaged!"
Dougal: "They were only nuns."

 

[LeytonCatLady]

"I really shouldn't be here!"

 

[DexterTCN]

"The way I feel now I could convert gays!" Ted, buzzing.

 

[DexterTCN]

"Well didn't you think it was strange? Three Priests on an Island, alone like that?"

Ted, talking about another island with other priests.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

(Rare logic from Dougal) :
TED: We'll knock quietly on the door.
DOUGAL: So we won't wake them up?
TED: No, we need to wake them so they can let us in.
DOUGAL : Shouldn't we knock loudly then?
TED : Yes, good point!

 

[stavros]

"It's great having a nun around - gives the place a bit of glamour."

 

[LeytonCatLady]

"It's great having a nun around - gives the place a bit of glamour."

"A woman's touch!"
(Sister Monica walks in).
DOUGAL : Ted says you were touching him!

 

[stavros]

 

[LeytonCatLady]

TED: Mrs Doyle, do you think the church treats women badly?
MRS DOYLE (weighed down by gardening gear): No Father, I've always thought the church very sympathetic to my views. They gave me great support when I was having personal troubles. I know some people like to run the church down, but no, I've no complaints at all.
(Ted and Dougal have been scoffing crisps throughout her speech and not really listening).
TED (dismissively): Yeah, great!

 

[T & P]

Bishop: So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life?
Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, and he's looking down at us from heaven and everything? And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop: Yes. What about it?
Dougal: Well that's the bit I have trouble with.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Bishop: So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life?
Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, and he's looking down at us from heaven and everything? And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop: Yes. What about it?
Dougal: Well that's the bit I have trouble with.

"Treasure this man, Father Ted! He has wisdom beyond his years. "

 

[stavros]

A long selection of Noel Furlong's best cameos. The one about being trapped in the caves and resorting to eating one another is arguably my favourite bit in any episode:

 

[stavros]

Dougal: "But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone."
Ted: "Dougal! They're bishops!"