Great Father Ted quotes

[LeytonCatLady]

Mrs Doyle has been going all gooey over the singer Eoin McLove.
TED: Women!
DOUGAL (looks round nervously): Where?!

 

[CNT36]

I didn't know that! Just looked him up Richard Wilson (Scottish actor) - Wikipedia and he is indeed Scottish. He doesn't sound it in that episode as himself.

He sounds far more Scottish in the old Peter Rabbit cartoons.

 

[stavros]

"It's so true."

 

[stavros]

 

[DexterTCN]

Pretty sure we've already had 'another mass'.

 

[stavros]

"We might not be coming back next year. They say Father Clippit does a good long mass. Three hours he does, on a good night, since his stroke."

 

[stavros]

 

[LeytonCatLady]

ED BYRNE: D-U-U-H-H! Stupid priests!
CHATBACK AGENT: This is a priest-only line! Are you a priest?
ED BYRNE: Bunch of feckin' wankers!

 

[stavros]

Ted: "So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!"
Dougal: "And when's his next Confession?"
Ted: "Tuesday."

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Ted: "So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!"
Dougal: "And when's his next Confession?"
Ted: "Tuesday."

"I'll keep you posted!"

 

[stavros]

Dougal: "Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?"
Ted: "Oh, yes... what was it called...?"
Dougal: "'Out Of Africa', I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it..."
Ted: "I'll have to stop you there, Dougal."
Dougal: "Yes, Ted?"
Ted: "No reason. I just have to stop you."

 

[stavros]

Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep?
Dougal: Can you, Ted?
Ted: You can. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.
Dougal: There's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there? Like that time you told me to praise him by just, you know, leaving the room.

 

[LeytonCatLady]

Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep?
Dougal: Can you, Ted?
Ted: You can. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.
Dougal: There's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there? Like that time you told me to praise him by just, you know, leaving the room.

"That was a good one, yes!"

 

[stavros]

"Oh, God, Ted. I'm so happy. The sun's out and we're in an opticians. It doesn't get any better than this."

 

[Supine]

Feck!

 

[dessiato]

Arse!

 

[Supine]

Drink!

 

[stavros]

 

[LeytonCatLady]

FATHER BUZZ CAGNEY: That silver haired priest, who is he?
FATHER ALAN: That's Father Ted Crilly. What's your name?
(Buzz seems to dematerialise).
BUZZ (reappears as if by magic): Sorry, I went over there for a second, what did you say?

 

[High Voltage]

Without doubt my absolute favourite Father Dougal "exchange"

Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.

Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.

Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken

 

[stavros]

Ted: "He [Jack] loved children, of course."
Dougal: "He did, yes."
Ted: "Of course, they were terrified of him."

 

[Nine Bob Note]

Listening to a podcaster y'day shilling a new super duper electric razor sponsoring his show "You could shave a gorilla in 30 minutes... You could shave your baby..." did not pass without my attempting a certain quotation (which, after looking it up, I see I got wrong, but ne'ermind...)

 

[stavros]

"That was the thing about Jack... very bad around strangers."
"And people he knew."

 

[stavros]

Ted: "Dougal, is there anything on your mind?"
[Dougal looks vacant and blank.]
Ted: "Let me rephrase that."

 

[stavros]

 

[stavros]

"Will you not have a sing, Ted? Aw, you have a lovely voice, very like Celine Dion."

 

[LeytonCatLady]

"Will you not have a sing, Ted? Aw, you have a lovely voice, very like Celine Dion."

NOEL: "Who's that? Is that Gerry Fields off to the disco?"
TED: "No, only us, we want to get some fresh air."
NOEL: "Make sure you bring us back some!"
TED: "Right so! (Under his breath): Feckin' eejit!"

 

[stavros]

Ted writing his acceptance speech for the Golden Cleric, featuring the names of people "who have really fecked me off down the years":

"Father P.J. Clabbert... Wait, he's on the wrong list. He should be under 'Liars' rather than 'Twats'."

 

[stavros]

 

[two sheds]

That misses off one of Dougal's best lines at the end