LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
You can almost see the pint in her hand!Most non chalant pose on thread..
Can just hear Lilith..
"So...tell me about yourself..."
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Aladdin
Well-Known Member
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
Hey guys, bit upset tonight and just need to vent...
As you know, Lilith was my housemate's cat until he moved out in the middle of November. He was initially going to put her in a shelter but I said she could stay with me. I also told him I'd move into his room as it's bigger and Lilith would be happier in there, and he let me know the rent was an extra £50 a month. I told the landlord and he adjusted my rent. When my housemate left he said "She's your cat now."
Recently, he said he's moving back to London next week (he's been in Bulgaria with family) and says he wants to come and collect Lilith on or after 22nd December, as he'll have to isolate for 10 days on arrival in the UK. I know she was his cat first, but I also can't help feeling it's a bit unfair. If he'd put her in a shelter as he initially intended to do, he wouldn't be able to just come back for her whenever he felt like it! Also, he knew I was accepting a rent increase in order to move into the bigger room, so I think he should have let me know it was only temporary. If I'd known that, I'd have looked after her in my old room and kept the rent as it was. I can't move back in there, because someone else has started renting it.
He did say he'll still let me see her, and I consider him a friend so we'll probably hang out regularly anyway. But I can't help feeling a bit cheated, and also it's a bit unfair on Lilith that he's treating her like a hobby that he can just put down and pick up at his convenience. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? What would you lot do in my shoes?
As you know, Lilith was my housemate's cat until he moved out in the middle of November. He was initially going to put her in a shelter but I said she could stay with me. I also told him I'd move into his room as it's bigger and Lilith would be happier in there, and he let me know the rent was an extra £50 a month. I told the landlord and he adjusted my rent. When my housemate left he said "She's your cat now."
Recently, he said he's moving back to London next week (he's been in Bulgaria with family) and says he wants to come and collect Lilith on or after 22nd December, as he'll have to isolate for 10 days on arrival in the UK. I know she was his cat first, but I also can't help feeling it's a bit unfair. If he'd put her in a shelter as he initially intended to do, he wouldn't be able to just come back for her whenever he felt like it! Also, he knew I was accepting a rent increase in order to move into the bigger room, so I think he should have let me know it was only temporary. If I'd known that, I'd have looked after her in my old room and kept the rent as it was. I can't move back in there, because someone else has started renting it.
He did say he'll still let me see her, and I consider him a friend so we'll probably hang out regularly anyway. But I can't help feeling a bit cheated, and also it's a bit unfair on Lilith that he's treating her like a hobby that he can just put down and pick up at his convenience. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? What would you lot do in my shoes?
Aladdin
Well-Known Member
I dont think you are being unreasonable at all LeytonCatLady .
If he ttold you the cat was yours then it's rich claiming Lillith is his NOW.... If you had moved away and taken Lillith with you and broke contact he surely wouldnt be able to do this.
Not sure what I would do...but I would be very angry for sure.
If he ttold you the cat was yours then it's rich claiming Lillith is his NOW.... If you had moved away and taken Lillith with you and broke contact he surely wouldnt be able to do this.
Not sure what I would do...but I would be very angry for sure.
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philosophical
Well-Known Member
LCL you might be able to persuade your friend to allow Lillith to stay with you.
Must be worth a gentle try.
Must be worth a gentle try.
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
I was a bit stunned to say anything to be honest! He did mention he needs to "have a word with his new landlord" so maybe he won't be allowed pets at his new place anyway. I think I'll have a chat with him when he gets back.
When he lived here, he was very overprotective to the point of keeping her in his room and we wouldn't see her for sometimes weeks. My housemates have commented she seems happier with me and that I give her more freedom. I let her wander round the house and garden as she pleases, although being winter she's spending more time indoors anyway. So I'd hope he'd give her more freedom if he did take her back and that his new housemates are OK with her.
When he lived here, he was very overprotective to the point of keeping her in his room and we wouldn't see her for sometimes weeks. My housemates have commented she seems happier with me and that I give her more freedom. I let her wander round the house and garden as she pleases, although being winter she's spending more time indoors anyway. So I'd hope he'd give her more freedom if he did take her back and that his new housemates are OK with her.
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
She's lost her shyness around me and is so cuddly and affectionate, especially in the mornings. I'd hate to lose that.
ask lillith for her opinion?
Aladdin
Well-Known Member
Lillith is clearly happy with you LeytonCatLady
And vice versa.
Hopefully he will see that and either leave her with you or make sure you get to see her
Tell him that.
Maybe he will see that she prefers being with you.
Maybe have a chat about what's best for Lilith.
And vice versa.
Hopefully he will see that and either leave her with you or make sure you get to see her
Tell him that.
Maybe he will see that she prefers being with you.
Maybe have a chat about what's best for Lilith.
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
Thanks guys. I know when finding accommodation in London you often have to take what's available, so his next place may not be suitable for Lilith. I've got to know my housemates and trust them enough to leave my bedroom door open so she can come and go, which I understand isn't a chance you want to take somewhere new, even if he can have pets. So maybe we can do a compromise of letting me have her until he knows his new place is cat friendly and he can trust his new flatmates.
izz
Increased Leisure Citizen
LeytonCatLady, I would certainly be trying to keep her. And don't forget that cats are super territorial, would be really want to subject her to that upheaval ?
Puddy_Tat
naturally fluffy
think i've told the story on here before, but i used to know a couple who acquired a cat after they bought a house - kitty had lived there with previous owners, who only moved a few streets away. eventually (after kitty had been returned to new home several times) all concerned agreed that kitty was staying put at 'her' house with the new hoomans...
Dystopiary
putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
LeytonCatLady - not surprised you're upset. I think I'd be furious if I'm honest. I suppose at least you're got time to think about what to say to him before you see him face to face. But I think it's fair to point out about you taking the room and the extra rent, that's a lot of money. And of course about getting used to having Lilith full time plus her getting used to you being her main human. If she does go with him, I hope you will be able to see plenty of her. I'm sorry you've been treated unfairly like this.
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
Cheers guys. I might send him an email explaining my position on the matter. It's not just the room - I took out insurance for Lilith, and when I took her for her checkup and booster after he left, the vet almost wouldn't deal with me because he had an unpaid debt with them which they had to pass to a collections agency. I had to re-register under my own name. So I'd also be concerned she might not be getting proper medical care if he had her. Thankfully she's young and healthy at this point, and in fairness he did get her kitten vaccinations and made sure she was spayed.
He does suffer mental health issues which may have clouded his judgement, so it's most likely he just didn't think about the fairness of it. That's why I don't want to be too harsh on him and think I would end up letting him have her back. But another poster pointed out to me in a DM that you can only make so many allowances for someone's selfishness etc and they still need to take responsibility. I want to be a supportive and non-judgmental friend for him, but at the same time I don't want to give the message that it's OK to walk all over me! However, I think he's just being thoughtless rather than malicious. Probably best to see what the situation is when he gets to his new place and work out a compromise.
He does suffer mental health issues which may have clouded his judgement, so it's most likely he just didn't think about the fairness of it. That's why I don't want to be too harsh on him and think I would end up letting him have her back. But another poster pointed out to me in a DM that you can only make so many allowances for someone's selfishness etc and they still need to take responsibility. I want to be a supportive and non-judgmental friend for him, but at the same time I don't want to give the message that it's OK to walk all over me! However, I think he's just being thoughtless rather than malicious. Probably best to see what the situation is when he gets to his new place and work out a compromise.
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philosophical
Well-Known Member
The local feral cat is much more a gentleman of the road than a down and out.
Harry is really tuned in to our/his local environment, and seeks out the warmest and most comfortable places around with a degree of dignified caution.
Here is Harry mid day yesterday on kind Wendy’s doorstep, but in the sunlight🌤
Harry is really tuned in to our/his local environment, and seeks out the warmest and most comfortable places around with a degree of dignified caution.
Here is Harry mid day yesterday on kind Wendy’s doorstep, but in the sunlight🌤
polly
Well-Known Member
LeytonCatLady I'm so gutted for you - it's obvious how much you love Lilith 
A real dick move by your friend, I think - he's not taking your feelings or Lilith's into consideration at all, and he should honour what he's said to you. And he's put you in a horrible position now too. I am cross on yours and Lilith's behalf.
A real dick move by your friend, I think - he's not taking your feelings or Lilith's into consideration at all, and he should honour what he's said to you. And he's put you in a horrible position now too. I am cross on yours and Lilith's behalf.
Aladdin
Well-Known Member
LeytonCatLady I'm so gutted for you - it's obvious how much you love Lilith
Yes. I feel the same.
The guy has been most irresponsible and is really being a complete dickhead.
He left...gave Lillith to LCL and also left her to deal with vet bills and unpaid debts. That was despicable enough
..but now when Lillith is doing well and the vet bills have been sorted and all is well the guy decides to come and loom for Lillith back?.
I know if it were me I'd be telling him where to go
I would not let him near Lillith. But then...I dont suffer fools... 
hegley
never odd or even
You come across as such a lovely person, and an excellent cat-mum; hope you get things sorted out for both yours and Lilith's sake.
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
Hegley, that's a really nice thing to hear! Thank you. Yes, I've done my best for Lilith and will continue to do so. I've spoken to my housemates about the situation and they all agree with me although they don't envy my dilemma. I have asked for their support if he comes round and they agreed not to let him in if I'm not there.
Aladdin
Well-Known Member
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
I won't be giving her back. I decided to send him an email. It sounds harsh, but I think he needs to understand how his behaviour has affected us.
Hi
I have to say, I was pretty floored when you said you wanted Lilith back, which is why I didn't say what I'm about to say then. I know she was your cat first, but you didn't tell me when you left it would only be a temporary thing. You said to me "She's your cat now" and let me move into the bigger room with higher rent. If I'd known you'd want her back after a month, I could have looked after her in my smaller room and kept my rent as it was. I can't move back in there as there's a new tenant renting it now. I feel like you've really screwed me.
I am also concerned that if she went back to live with you, she may not get proper medical care if she needed it. I have taken her for her checkup and booster, which initially the vet didn't want to do due to your debt. She eventually let me have the appointment anyway on the condition I re-registered Lilith in my name. I've also got insurance for her. I don't want to knock you for having financial difficulties, as after all everyone has tough periods of their life, but you shouldn't commit to having a pet you can't afford to look after.
The other guys in the house have also commented she seems happier and gets more freedom with me. I appreciate you always fed her and changed her litter but we sometimes didn't see her for weeks on end because you'd shut yourself away. I know every house is different, and I'm lucky to have housemates I trust enough to be able to leave the bedroom door open a crack so she can go in and out and explore the house at will. So I don't think it would be fair to uproot Lilith to a place where she/you don't know anybody, even if you're allowed pets there. It's one thing to have an indoor cat, which on the whole she is, but keeping her shut up in one room isn't really fair on her.
With all the above in mind, I really think she's better off with me and I'm not happy to hand her over to you. Not to mention that I feel like you've cheated me with first telling me I was Lilith's new owner, then wanting her back when it suits you. That's not how pet ownership works. They're not hobbies you can put down and pick up at your convenience, they're living beings who need proper, consistent care. Which I've given her and will continue to give her. I am seriously worried that if you fall out with someone at your next place and bugger off again, there might not be some equivalent cat lover to look after her a second time. And you wouldn't be able to claim her back if you'd gone with your initial plan of putting her in a shelter!
I know you're probably going to end up hating me after this, but to be honest I really don't care any more. I have to do what's best for Lilith now. I hope one day you'll sort yourself out enough to care for a cat permanently, but please don't do that until you're 100% sure you can commit yourself for life.
I wish you the best.
Hi
I have to say, I was pretty floored when you said you wanted Lilith back, which is why I didn't say what I'm about to say then. I know she was your cat first, but you didn't tell me when you left it would only be a temporary thing. You said to me "She's your cat now" and let me move into the bigger room with higher rent. If I'd known you'd want her back after a month, I could have looked after her in my smaller room and kept my rent as it was. I can't move back in there as there's a new tenant renting it now. I feel like you've really screwed me.
I am also concerned that if she went back to live with you, she may not get proper medical care if she needed it. I have taken her for her checkup and booster, which initially the vet didn't want to do due to your debt. She eventually let me have the appointment anyway on the condition I re-registered Lilith in my name. I've also got insurance for her. I don't want to knock you for having financial difficulties, as after all everyone has tough periods of their life, but you shouldn't commit to having a pet you can't afford to look after.
The other guys in the house have also commented she seems happier and gets more freedom with me. I appreciate you always fed her and changed her litter but we sometimes didn't see her for weeks on end because you'd shut yourself away. I know every house is different, and I'm lucky to have housemates I trust enough to be able to leave the bedroom door open a crack so she can go in and out and explore the house at will. So I don't think it would be fair to uproot Lilith to a place where she/you don't know anybody, even if you're allowed pets there. It's one thing to have an indoor cat, which on the whole she is, but keeping her shut up in one room isn't really fair on her.
With all the above in mind, I really think she's better off with me and I'm not happy to hand her over to you. Not to mention that I feel like you've cheated me with first telling me I was Lilith's new owner, then wanting her back when it suits you. That's not how pet ownership works. They're not hobbies you can put down and pick up at your convenience, they're living beings who need proper, consistent care. Which I've given her and will continue to give her. I am seriously worried that if you fall out with someone at your next place and bugger off again, there might not be some equivalent cat lover to look after her a second time. And you wouldn't be able to claim her back if you'd gone with your initial plan of putting her in a shelter!
I know you're probably going to end up hating me after this, but to be honest I really don't care any more. I have to do what's best for Lilith now. I hope one day you'll sort yourself out enough to care for a cat permanently, but please don't do that until you're 100% sure you can commit yourself for life.
I wish you the best.
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Epona
Sonic: 1 Nov 2006 - 8 Jan 2022
Good luck LeytonCatLady
It's just wrong full stop to ask for her back after giving her to you and if you've been paying for her care, a room suitable for you both in the long term, and taken out insurance - I feel like the fact you'd paid for these things, taken her to the vet, put her in your name on their records, and taken out insurance in your name and paid for it, would (not that it is likely to happen) go in your favour if it was a case in a small claims court for example.
If it was temporary he would have been expected to clear his debt with the vet, pay for her checkup and booster jabs, possibly provide money for food, while you fed her and cared for her in his absence as a cat sitter. The fact he didn't do these things is indicative that the arrangement was expected by both parties to be permanent change of ownership.
EDIT: (Also as an aside, if I had to hand over my cats to someone to look after while I was away or having housing issues, I would write up and get witnessed some sort of foster agreement document, indicating the limit of the fosterers responsibilities, and making it clear that I would be taking the cats back in due course, if I could not afford to look after their needs in the meantime, I would - very sadly of course - have to hand them over permanently to someone who could, rather than expect them back).
It's just wrong full stop to ask for her back after giving her to you and if you've been paying for her care, a room suitable for you both in the long term, and taken out insurance - I feel like the fact you'd paid for these things, taken her to the vet, put her in your name on their records, and taken out insurance in your name and paid for it, would (not that it is likely to happen) go in your favour if it was a case in a small claims court for example.
If it was temporary he would have been expected to clear his debt with the vet, pay for her checkup and booster jabs, possibly provide money for food, while you fed her and cared for her in his absence as a cat sitter. The fact he didn't do these things is indicative that the arrangement was expected by both parties to be permanent change of ownership.
EDIT: (Also as an aside, if I had to hand over my cats to someone to look after while I was away or having housing issues, I would write up and get witnessed some sort of foster agreement document, indicating the limit of the fosterers responsibilities, and making it clear that I would be taking the cats back in due course, if I could not afford to look after their needs in the meantime, I would - very sadly of course - have to hand them over permanently to someone who could, rather than expect them back).
Aladdin
Well-Known Member
Well said LeytonCatLady
Hopefully you willl not hear from him again.
I think the fact you have insured Lillith and re registered her at the vets and very obviously done what an owner would do should be enough for him to realise he has no claim on Lilith after handing her to you saying "she's yours now"
.
I really think his message was kne of a chancer. Testing you.
Fingers crossed now that he just leaves you alone and sees you're the best future for Lillith. Not him.
Hopefully you willl not hear from him again.
I think the fact you have insured Lillith and re registered her at the vets and very obviously done what an owner would do should be enough for him to realise he has no claim on Lilith after handing her to you saying "she's yours now"
.
I really think his message was kne of a chancer. Testing you.
Fingers crossed now that he just leaves you alone and sees you're the best future for Lillith. Not him.
Sasaferrato
Super Refuser!
I know you are too much of a lady, but I'd punch his fucking lights out.
I would also suggest that 'She is you cat now' is a verbal contract.
LeytonCatLady
Well-Known Member
Thank you Sugar Kane and Epona for the practical advice! Yes, legally he doesn't have a leg to stand on. It's the falling out with a friend that's shitty, but then if he was a real friend he wouldn't have put me in this position. I promise you more Lilith pics in due course.
