The office 'scolding email' thread

[a_chap]

I like the idea that you should somehow be aware of a forthcoming emergency so that you can request phone is near you.

And great time management by the CEO - definitely s/he has nothing more important to do than act as phone monitor.

Also the tone of the laughter is wrong(?!?) - maybe they should run a course for that.

Would love to know which company sent that e-mail.

 

[Enviro]

We have free coffee. When we moved into our big shiny new office we got two big shiny new coffee machines - the type that grinds the beans and can make cappuccinos and so on.

The coffee was really, really good. The bosses were horrified by the sheer volume of coffee beans they were having to buy. Anyway, after a while we noticed that the coffee wasn't quite so good anymore. Bastards had swapped out the decent stuff for a cheap brand.

We recently got a couple of new coffee machines. They're Cookworks jobbies that cost about £15 each. But then I suppose the multinational, industry leading co I work for didn't get where it is today by buying fancy coffee machines...

The office I'm in also has an appallingly high staff turnover... I wonder why...

 

[Enviro]

And we're not allowed to have a proper kettle for making tea

 

[Badgers]

New Year, same twat.

How many people have left since this person arrived? Has morale nose dived?

Almost 100% turnover of staff

 

[cybershot]

Almost 100% turnover of staff

Just you sticking it out?

 

[Badgers]

Just you sticking it out?

For now

 

[cybershot]

How long until they realise they are spending more time and money on recruitment since said person arrived than they are their wage? Or are they a don't give a shit about employees type organization?

 

[Badgers]

How long until they realise they are spending more time and money on recruitment since said person arrived than they are their wage? Or are they a don't give a shit about employees type organization?

I have given up caring or offering advice

 

[Pickman's model]

It seems that the party is for airport workers, held inside the airport.

bet they have access to duty free

 

[purenarcotic]

Continuing on a theme...

The bit about not laughing too much is absolutely spectacular. Bet whoever wrote that is a hoot at parties.

 

[Puddy_Tat]

Recently it has been noted the laughter in the office is getting a little too high

 

[oryx]

Continuing on a theme...

This reminds me of somewhere both my OH and I worked, at different times.

When I worked there it was bad enough, but when OH worked there a few years later they were not allowed to talk in groups about non-work things and (I really kid you not) had to log toilet breaks!

He soon left and yes, surprisingly enough, staff turnover there was very high.

 

[Schmetterling]

Continuing on a theme...

‘of your lunch break’

 

[FridgeMagnet]

The bit about not laughing too much is absolutely spectacular. Bet whoever wrote that is a hoot at parties.

The tone of the laughter being too high just implies that everyone should now use a deep, booming, Brian Blessed laugh.

 

[A380]

Continuing on a theme...

Fuck me, any decent supervisors / managers* would love it if there is laughter in the work place as it’s a good indicator of morale.

* Ok, maybe not the head of a group of pall bearers..

 

[existentialist]

New Year, same twat.

How many people have left since this person arrived? Has morale nose dived?

"The floggings will continue until morale improves"

 

[BoatieBird]

The tone of the laughter being too high just implies that everyone should now use a deep, booming, Brian Blessed laugh.

Please try this and report back Badgers

 

[Badgers]

 

[nogojones]

Just you sticking it out?

Staying so he can farm likes on this thread

 

[Bahnhof Strasse]

If Brian Blessed is unacceptable to them you need to go full Frank Bruno on them.

 

[Enviro]

I feel a scolding afoot...

Someone just sent out a mass email to nearly 1000 colleagues across the globe asking them to subscribe to their youtube channel . They said if they get 500 subscribers they will donate £100 to charity...

I think they may soon find themselves with more time on their hands to promote their youtube channel ...

 

[Combustible]

Not mine obviously but seems appropriate for here

 

[dervish]

I have just had to write this..

I have just tidied up the stock cupboard AGAIN.


This is not my job, it is ALL our job to keep the room tidy but unfortunately it seems to be beyond the wit of some people to pick up after themselves. To make it very clear…


1/ Cardboard is not to be left in the cupboard, it is for stock, not packaging that you couldn’t be bothered to put in the bin.


2/ Pink boxes need to be dealt with, not just dumped wherever there is a horizontal surface, this means if you are bringing the pick boxes up you open the box, deal with the contents AND THE RUBBISH and put the box neatly in the pile by the door.


3/ Cables ALL have a home, they will soon all be labelled but it shouldn’t be that difficult to look in the box and put the cable with the ones that look exactly like it. Do not just leave them in the nearest box or all over the desks.


4/ General rubbish, if the bin is getting full, EMPTY IT! Don’t just chuck more stuff on top and walk away.


5/ If you take a box from the shelf for stock, PUT THE BOX BACK when you have finished.


I really can’t believe I’m having to write this, we are all adults please act like it.


There is now a camera in the stock room for security, footage WILL be used in evidence.

 

[Bahnhof Strasse]

Pink boxes or pick boxes

 

[equationgirl]

dervish bravo sir, security footage bit puts the icing on the cake. A quality example of the genre.

 

[8115]

It shouldn't be that difficult!

A classic of the genre.

 

[dervish]

Pink boxes or pick boxes

Pink, I was cross and typing fast. They are the DPD swap it boxes, we get one to three a day usually, not exactly taxing.

 

[Bahnhof Strasse]

Cross is the best state to be in when writing a scolding note

 

[dervish]

Yeah, the ten minutes beforehand I was proper raging. Not such a good state to be in, would have added to many CUNTS to the email. I did take imbeciles out, which I thought was rather restrained.

 

[19sixtysix]

Cross is the best state to be in when writing a scolding note

Just don't email/post it up till the next day when you've calmed down and removed the "you bunch of cunts".

I sent one a few years ago about a piss take about our holidays which they thought they'd introduce to those of us who volunteered to essential and urgent testing work. They got a reply saying how good were for actually bother to volunteer and if we wanted a day off you will say yes thank you. It was the cleaned up damningly polite version that exploded in a senior management meeting. £100 bonuses turned up with a reversal of the policy the next day.