Filth by name; thick by nature. A thread for banal police stupidity

[Serge Forward]

Oh, well they make that up in order to fleece people.

I remember many years ago (30! ), when I first started visiting Staffordshire, I had a Metro that kept breaking down. A friend of my step father in law’s was a mechanic and had a look at it in the drive as a homer. He was chatting away to me and told me if he was me he’d do something or else (I forget what now) to “save the myther”. Thinking this was a term like “torque” or something, and not wanting to show ignorance, which might cost me money, I nipped inside to see if Bill or my partner’s grandad (a retired lorry driver) knew what it meant. They both laughed out loud. It means “the hassle”. Which I now know. But I never lived it down while they were both alive.

Mither is my favourite word. I'm imagining you nipping into Halfords to see if they've got a spare mither for a mini metro

 

[Puddy_Tat]

Mither is my favourite word. I'm imagining you nipping into Halfords to see if they've got a spare mither for a mini metro

and if i remember right, mini metros get through quite a lot of mithers

 

[danny la rouge]

and if i remember right, mini metros get through quite a lot of mithers

Fucking right. It was when I had that car that I was inspired to write the book “hard shoulders of the British Isles”. I mean, I didn’t actually write it. But I’ve a feeling it later inspired a thread here.

 

[SpookyFrank]

I had a Metro that kept breaking down.

Those were the only type of Metro.

 

[danny la rouge]

Fucking right. It was when I had that car that I was inspired to write the book “hard shoulders of the British Isles”. I mean, I didn’t actually write it. But I’ve a feeling it later inspired a thread here.

Yes, it did:

Hard Shoulders of the British Isles

(NB: I may still write this book, and so reserve the right to reuse any of my posts for huge personal gain if there's a bidding war between publishers). As a serial owner of second hand cars, I have become acquainted with hard shoulders right across this land in my 30 plus years behind the...

www.urban75.net

 

[PTK]

The filth have got their own fucking language, haven't they. English, but a warped version of it.

When I started going out with the girl who I later married (34th wedding anniversary next week!) I remember first meeting her sister's boyfriend. I didn't know he was a copper until he opened his gob and instead of talking to me like a normal human being he started questioning me like a fucking copper

I took an instant dislike to him. I haven't had any reason to change that opinion since.

Yes, I was at a funeral and at the reception someone asked me a question about the deceased in what I thought was a rather hostile way. I discovered later that he had once worked as a cop,

 

[PTK]

Did no one read the fucking Highway Code when learning to drive?

It's against the law to read while driving.

 

[Epona]

I’m trying to imagine how you get on a horse while keeping your right hand free for sword fighting, and it’s making me think you’d approach the horse’s right hand side. (Which may be wrong, I’m not at all equestrian). But that would be what someone confidently stated was the “offside” earlier in the thread, and now I’m even more confused.

You mount from the left (nearside).
Facing towards the horse's tail, you hold the reins to control the horse in your left hand and place it on the front of the saddle, left foot in the stirrup, and spring up - your right hand stays free.
tbf this does take a bit of practice, I suspect you're imagining hanging onto the saddle with both hands and hauling yourself bodily upwards whilst sweating and swearing
(This is assuming an English saddle/trained horse, Western style is a bit different).

 

[Serge Forward]

and if i remember right, mini metros get through quite a lot of mithers

A lot of mither. It's an uncountable noun

 

[Magnus McGinty]

I like mither. Or rather, I don’t. It’s up there with niggle. They’re perhaps interchangeable?

 

[Puddy_Tat]

A lot of mither. It's an uncountable noun

it depends if it's an imperial or metric mither

 

[A380]

it depends if it's an imperial or metric mither

Whitworth mither obviously...

 

[tim]

Those were the only type of Metro.

No, they weren't

 

[likesfish]

Many many years ago was doing sentry duty at Hastings TA centre. When a copper approached me and asked me if I had a licence for that gun.
It’s not a gun it’s a rifle artillery have guns proper soldiers have rifles.
He try’s again do you have a licence for that rifle.
No it’s not mine
Whose is it.
It’s Liz’s
Copper getting annoyed now.
Who is liz.
You know liz old woman married to a Greek bloke face on stamps your boss.
Copper finally twigs not impressed.

Wasn’t the last copper who turned up due to reports of armed suspicious characters which was a fairly harsh description of C company. Fair but Harsh.

 

[DaveCinzano]

Top filthing from the McPigs:

Police have arrested a 75-year-old man in connection with the death of a 65-year-old dog walker who was shot dead on a countryside track.

The body of Brian Low was discovered in Pitilie, near Aberfeldy in Perthshire, at about 8.30am on 17 February. A postmortem examination carried out six days later established the cause of death as a shooting.

...Police Scotland initially believed his death was “non-suspicious and medical-related”, but a medical examination held six days after his body was found “established he had injuries consistent with being fatally shot”. BBC News has reported that his death certificate confirmed he died of a shotgun wound to the neck and chest.

Man, 75, arrested in connection with death of Perthshire dog walker, 65

Postmortem carried out six days after death of Brian Low in February indicated cause of death as shooting

www.theguardian.com

 

[WouldBe]

"Non suspicious and medically related"?

What did they think it was, woodworm?

 

[DaveCinzano]

"Non suspicious and medically related"?

What did they think it was, woodworm?

Come on, there's plenty of alternative explanations

• Heart exploded
• Thoracic black hole
• Self-administered ice spear

 

[A380]

Yes, because bullet wounds always look just like they do in films. And it’s a brilliant idea to start poking around with bodies before you get them into a forensic mortuary. I bet all the thick as shit rozzers and scene of crimes officers involved in the body recovery are kicking themselves they aren’t as clever and experienced as the posters on this thread.

 

[emanymton]

Top filthing from the McPigs:

Man, 75, arrested in connection with death of Perthshire dog walker, 65

Postmortem carried out six days after death of Brian Low in February indicated cause of death as shooting

www.theguardian.com

My first thought was that yes it sounds daft but bullet wounds can be quite small, then I got to this bit.

he died of a shotgun wound to the neck and chest.

 

[Silas Loom]

Yes, because bullet wounds always look just like they do in films. And it’s a brilliant idea to start poking around with bodies before you get them into a forensic mortuary. I bet all the thick as shit rozzers and scene of crimes officers involved in the body recovery are kicking themselves they aren’t as clever and experienced as the posters on this thread.

You never used to show out this much, did you?

 

[WouldBe]

Yes, because bullet wounds always look just like they do in films. And it’s a brilliant idea to start poking around with bodies before you get them into a forensic mortuary. I bet all the thick as shit rozzers and scene of crimes officers involved in the body recovery are kicking themselves they aren’t as clever and experienced as the posters on this thread.

Unless he was shot after he died there would be blood all over the place.

 

[A380]

You never used to show out this much, did you?

Yes. From almost my first post.

 

[A380]

Unless he was shot after he died there would be blood all over the place.

Really? I wish I knew as much about this as you.

 

[Pickman's model]

Really? I wish I knew as much about this as you.

That's not something you see often

 

[Pickman's model]

Yes, because bullet wounds always look just like they do in films. And it’s a brilliant idea to start poking around with bodies before you get them into a forensic mortuary. I bet all the thick as shit rozzers and scene of crimes officers involved in the body recovery are kicking themselves they aren’t as clever and experienced as the posters on this thread.

They'd probably miss

 

[A380]

That's not something you see often

Fortunately not that much.

 

[Pickman's model]

Fortunately not that much.

It's surprising to see it at all

 

[Silas Loom]

Yes. From almost my first post.

Oh, okay. Hadn’t noticed before. Anyway, no-one’s going to pull you up on it now you’re safely retired, and you seem to manage it without calling everybody cunts, which is where DB and Brian Paddick went wrong.

 

[DaveCinzano]

Yes, because bullet wounds always look just like they do in films. And it’s a brilliant idea to start poking around with bodies before you get them into a forensic mortuary. I bet all the thick as shit rozzers and scene of crimes officers involved in the body recovery are kicking themselves they aren’t as clever and experienced as the posters on this thread.

Hey, don't non-suspiciously medically relate the messenger - I never said it's obvious what's happened here, that's what PS reportedly did

 

[A380]

Oh, okay. Hadn’t noticed before. Anyway, no-one’s going to pull you up on it now you’re safely retired, and you seem to manage it without calling everybody cunts, which is where DB and Brian Paddick went wrong.

That’s probably because I know what a train crash all UK police forces are.