The office 'scolding email' thread

[cupid_stunt]

If you could also avoid managing to spill tea up the newly decorated walls that would be helpful – the Commonwealth Games have finished now so no need to train!

BIB -

 

[cupid_stunt]

Not an e-mail, but a sign.

One of the pirate radio stations I worked in Ireland during the 80s was a fast moving 'cluster-free', no waffle, hot hits format (modelled on the 80s offshore station - Laser 558 - & using their catch-line, 'you're never more than a minute from the music').

So, above the microphone was a simple sign - 'Got fuck all to say? Say fuck all!'.

 

[Pickman's model]

there's been a dearth of scolding here recently

 

[Jon-of-arc]

Elon Musk: Just walk out of bad meetings

I wonder if Elon Musk sent this email in all caps, with a passive aggressive smiley or two chucked in for good measure...? Probably.

 

[FridgeMagnet]

Elon Musk: Just walk out of bad meetings

I wonder if Elon Musk sent this email in all caps, with a passive aggressive smiley or two chucked in for good measure...? Probably.

The voice of somebody who has never actually worked within a company.

 

[MickiQ]

The voice of somebody who has never actually worked within a company.

bad meetings are great if you're not the one presenting them, the trick is to let your brain freewheel and go off to your happy place, the important thing to remember is that you're still getting paid.

 

[FridgeMagnet]

bad meetings are great if you're not the one presenting them, the trick is to let your brain freewheel and go off to your happy place, the important thing to remember is that you're still getting paid.

This works as long as you're not really involved in whatever this stupid meeting is about anyway. However, when you know that the meeting is going to involve people failing to understand what's going on and assigning the wrong tasks to the wrong people, including you, if you don't pay attention, you have to be on alert.

When it's the fifth fucking meeting about the same thing and people are still coming out with the same misapprehensions that they did in the first one, then the urge to murder is really going to come out.

 

[a_chap]

Reminds me of meetings I had to attend after a particular reorganisation many years ago. It resulted in someone who had been promoted waaay above their competence level being put in charge of a number of teams, mine included.

She then insisted that each Friday morning all the team leaders would attend a meeting - that was, as I recall, about thirteen team leaders. As my team had little-or-no involvement with any of the other teams' functions it seemed to me to be a complete waste of my time so I suggested it would be sensible for me not to attend:

Me: There's no real benefit in me spending three hours in these meeting; I can brief you my update in five minutes.

Her: you have to attend.

Me: But what value do I add? My team doesn't impact any of the other teams' activities.

Her: you have to attend.

Me: You know we have a major project milestone coming up in a few weeks; losing that much of my time each week will jeopardise the overall delivery.

Her: you have to attend

etc, etc...

So I decided that I'd get out of the meetings by annoying her.

Each week I'd question her decisions, point out her inconsistencies, disagree with her reasoning and challenge her assumptions. Which turned out to be thoroughly entertaining for all-bar-one in the meeting. And this was not difficult as she was the quite possibly the most clueless and incompetent "decision maker" I'd encountered. The very definition of knee-jerk reactions, in fact.

The best thing was that the angrier she got (and, oh, how she did get angry!) there'd be a red flush which would appear on her neck and the angrier she got the redder it became and the higher up her neck it went. I used to see how far up her neck it went before she threw me out of the meeting. Which she did. Every week.

After a month she decided I no longer had to attend the weekly meeting

 

[Pickman's model]

Reminds me of meetings I had to attend after a particular reorganisation many years ago. It resulted in someone who had been promoted waaay above their competence level being put in charge of a number of teams, mine included.

She then insisted that each Friday morning all the team leaders would attend a meeting - that was, as I recall, about thirteen team leaders. As my team had little-or-no involvement with any of the other teams' functions it seemed to me to be a complete waste of my time so I suggested it would be sensible for me not to attend:

Me: There's no real benefit in me spending three hours in these meeting; I can brief you my update in five minutes.

Her: you have to attend.

Me: But what value do I add? My team doesn't impact any of the other teams' activities.

Her: you have to attend.

Me: You know we have a major project milestone coming up in a few weeks; losing that much of my time each week will jeopardise the overall delivery.

Her: you have to attend

etc, etc...

So I decided that I'd get out of the meetings by annoying her.

Each week I'd question her decisions, point out her inconsistencies, disagree with her reasoning and challenge her assumptions. Which turned out to be thoroughly entertaining for all-bar-one in the meeting. And this was not difficult as she was the quite possibly the most clueless and incompetent "decision maker" I'd encountered. The very definition of knee-jerk reactions, in fact.

The best thing was that the angrier she got (and, oh, how she did get angry!) there'd be a red flush which would appear on her neck and the angrier she got the redder it became and the higher up her neck it went. I used to see how far up her neck it went before she threw me out of the meeting. Which she did. Every week.

After a month she decided I no longer had to attend the weekly meeting

at that point you should have insisted on attending.

 

[heinous seamus]

Good morning,


I have another complaint about a member of staff throwing liquids from the windows. This time it landed on staff which is utterly unacceptable.


Please can you circulate this to all staff.


Thanks

Tempted to reply all and say "Sorry, the toilets were closed for cleaning and I really was desperate. It won't happen again."

 

[a_chap]

at that point you should have insisted on attending.

If my motivation had been to go to the local asylum and prod the inmates for fun then, yes, you'd be right.

But I had people who relied on me doing my job properly. So I felt it was important not to take part in that particular circus.

 

[Pickman's model]

If my motivation had been to go to the local asylum and prod the inmates for fun then, yes, you'd be right.

But I had people who relied on me doing my job properly. So I felt it was important not to take part in that particular circus.

you were nearly at the point at which your manager would have departed in high dudgeon

 

[a_chap]

No. You don't know her. She'd have staggered on through the meeting regardless. Even if everyone had upped and walked out.

I should say that despite her being a truly terrible people and business manager she was good fun otherwise. Many a time she and I were the last two standing after an "away day" meeting. Usually around 3am if my addled brains recall correctly.

 

[Enviro]

Good Morning Folks


I don’t want to complain, but whoever it is can you please stop putting carrier bags in the sharp knife draw.


Many thanks

...

 

[equationgirl]

I really do not like it when emails start with 'folks'. I also do not like it when people 'don't want to complain' then go on to complain.

 

[Orang Utan]

I may have to post a passive aggressive scolding office notice cos all of the forks have gone missing, and the plastic cops at my work keep nicking my butter. Coffee and tea is being stolen by people who don't put in for it too. There is discord in the air at dinnertimes

 

[hegley]

Dear all
I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? ​

So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.

 

[cybershot]

Dear all
I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? ​

So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.

Whose getting married?

 

[Schmetterling]

Dear all
I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? ​

So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.

That actually beggars belief.

ETA Who is this email from?

 

[hegley]

That actually beggars belief.

ETA Who is this email from?

An academic, in an open plan office that's a mix of academic and prof services staff.

 

[Thimble Queen]

Dear all
I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? ​

So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.

A woman I work with reprimanded me for having a non-work based chat in the lunch area because 'even when shes on a break she's talking about work'. Who the fuck are these people

 

[Thimble Queen]

I really do not like it when emails start with 'folks'. I also do not like it when people 'don't want to complain' then go on to complain.

Folks is at least better than emails thar start with 'guys' ugh.

 

[Schmetterling]

An academic, in an open plan office that's a mix of academic and prof services staff.

So not even the Office or Floor or Line Manager? In which case the correct response will be Get To Fuck!

 

[cybershot]

So not even the Office or Floor or Line Manager? In which case the correct response will be Get To Fuck!

Must be a shite Academic anyway, what decent one doesn't have their own massive office?

 

[joustmaster]

Folks is at least better than emails thar start with 'guys' ugh.

 

[ash]

Last chance saloon from the toast police !!

 

[chemn]

Ha, my old office are on their last toaster chance too

 

[cybershot]

Fuck sake, just get rid of the fucking toasters already.

 

[Bahnhof Strasse]

OK, so new regulations come in on 25th May regarding storing credit card info. We got a mail from HQ stating that if asked by a client we were to direct them to X for an answer. I got a query, forwarded to X who hadn't a Scooby, so he punted on to HQ who came back with this epic bit of bollocks:

[Company Name] has established a cross-functional team to assess and address the application of GDPR to our European and global operations. We are focused on the development and implementation of company-wide policies, procedures, contracts, and solutions to address GDPR requirements. We anticipate that our effort will involve updates to contractual terms governing client arrangements impacted by GDPR, and therefore expect to reach out to affected clients in due course with such terms.


We will be ready to answer more specific questions once we assess all applicable items for [co name] and we plan to provide further updates by end of May.

Thank you for your patience. Please let us know if you have any questions.


Compliance Office,

 

[cupid_stunt]

OK, so new regulations come in on 25th May regarding storing credit card info. We got a mail from HQ stating that if asked by a client we were to direct them to X for an answer. I got a query, forwarded to X who hadn't a Scooby, so he punted on to HQ who came back with this epic bit of bollocks:

[Company Name] has established a cross-functional team to assess and address the application of GDPR to our European and global operations. We are focused on the development and implementation of company-wide policies, procedures, contracts, and solutions to address GDPR requirements. We anticipate that our effort will involve updates to contractual terms governing client arrangements impacted by GDPR, and therefore expect to reach out to affected clients in due course with such terms.


We will be ready to answer more specific questions once we assess all applicable items for [co name] and we plan to provide further updates by end of May.

Thank you for your patience. Please let us know if you have any questions.


Compliance Office,

The short, and more honest, reply would have been;

This GDPR lark is a right pain in the arse, ATM we haven't a clue how the fuck we are going to deal with it, but we'll let you know when we do.