The office 'scolding email' thread

[BoatieBird]

 

[Lazy Llama]

This was on the toilet door at a hostel I stayed at in Brisbane in 2005.

 

[BoatieBird]

Please wash and return cutlery taken from the common room kitchen asap, there have been NO forks or teaspoons available all week.

 

[Pickman's model]

.

 

[mx wcfc]

Not an email, but an actual direct verbal telling off, in front of colleagues.

"Mx, you have to put your coat in the cupboard. You're not allowed to leave it on the back of your chair like that."

Me. Stunned silence, followed by desperately repressing urge to use inappropriate language in a professional setting.

"Yes Miss, sorry Miss"

New Office, New Bullshit

 

[a_chap]

We have the same rule on the grounds, naturally, of "health and safety".

So I insist on draping my cycling jacket over the back of my chair. My argument is that it's hi-viz and therefore reduces the chance of someone, er, falling over my chair.

 

[mx wcfc]

We have the same rule on the grounds, naturally, of "health and safety".

So I insist on draping my cycling jacket over the back of my chair. My argument is that it's hi-viz and therefore reduces the chance of someone, er, falling over my chair.

I think it's just the office manager who has a thing about tidiness. She works hard and does a very good job, but she is a bit hung up on everything being "just so" - the office looking like it does in the brochure - all clear desks, shiny smiley people, who do what she tells them. God help her when she has kids. She was really upset when one of the coffee machines didn't work and there was a queue for caffeine. Moving office is a major ballache for the organiser, and I told her that if one coffee machine not working was the worse thing that had gone wrong, that was a pretty good result. She seemed to like that. But that was before I got told off over my coat.

 

[emanymton]

I was with them, all the way up to "just saying". At that point, I'd be spooning yogurt culture into their milk cartons.

ETA: also, if you want to proactively stop people drinking your milk, produce a reasonably professional looking label that says something like "LIZARD MILK". Nobody will touch it. In fact, thinking about it, "HUMAN BREAST MILK" would probably work quite well.

Well there are some people who urm, well you know. Yeah enough about that.

 

[existentialist]

Well there are some people who urm, well you know. Yeah enough about that.

Not many. And I suspect even they're likely to want milk from specific lizards/breasts, not something random from a communal fridge.

 

[emanymton]

Not many. And I suspect even they're likely to want milk from specific lizards/breasts, not something random from a communal fridge.

Yes it probably has to be fresh for them.

 

[Pickman's model]

 

[dervish]

Is the wandering person not on the floor they wanted then?

 

[Pickman's model]

Is the wandering person not on the floor they wanted then?

not the floor they wanted, nor indeed in a building where they were permitted to be. if you look upthread you'll see my post about the key to the poison cupboard going missing, and they might easily have found that. if they'd read this thread and knew where i work.

 

[Artaxerxes]

Subject: Outcome of the UK support services review


Dear all


I’m inviting you to attend a briefing session tomorrow morning to discuss the outcome of the UK support services review. Attendance is mandatory, please make every effort to be there.


For those based outside of London, please make the necessary travel arrangements to attend (costs incurred will be reimbursed. If you have any issues, please speak to your director of function).

For those who have meetings or other commitments, please reschedule as appropriate.

If there is a reason why you absolutely can’t attend, please discuss this with your director of function. If you are on leave, we will contact you following the briefing session.

1) That is not how an invitation works you fucking bellend.

2) This sounds like basically telling us we are all fired and our jobs are going to India.

3) I'm not going to be arsed doing much work today I guess. Oh well.

 

[cybershot]

Love the amount of notice given for staff outside of London, taking into account that in my personal opinion, email is not an urgent form of communication. Some people may not read that until much later in the day and then suddenly have to arrange travel arrangements, and possible alternative arrangements to get children to school and what not.

Proper shitty behaviour.

 

[Artaxerxes]

Love the amount of notice given for staff outside of London, taking into account that in my personal opinion, email is not an urgent form of communication. Some people may not read that until much later in the day and then suddenly have to arrange travel arrangements, and possible alternative arrangements to get children to school and what not.

Proper shitty behaviour.

Yeah I only hope they've given the non-London guys a weeks notice or more on the quiet. Just lucky theres only a small handful of them.

This entire last few months have been awful from a communication point of view, as in there has been none apart from telling us the entire service was under review 3 months ago.

 

[cupid_stunt]

Yeah I only hope they've given the non-London guys a weeks notice or more on the quiet. Just lucky theres only a small handful of them.

This entire last few months have been awful from a communication point of view, as in there has been none apart from telling us the entire service was under review 3 months ago.

That's shit, I hope things are OK for you, good luck.

 

[ChrisFilter]

Just popped back in to share this beaut:

Take the Diet Pepsi challenge....

Try leaving it in the 8th floor fridge next time (top shelf, where I left it) and try buying your own. This is not a student house (“All property is theft”, “It’s only a can of Pepsi”, “I was thirsty, OK?”, “I thought you only drank Horlicks”) and have some respect, you light fingered scumbag.

If you want to nick them off the company (which is also out of order), they buy Diet Coke, for the record

 

[Badgers]

Some good news

Hi All

Due to lack of interest, the Christmas Party which was due to take place at the Holiday Inn in Rotherham on 5th January has now been cancelled.

 

[souljacker]

Tight bastards having the christmas party in January.

 

[Pickman's model]

.

 

[Pickman's model]

 

[a_chap]

No wonder there's not much of a response if they keep leaving out all the important words in the email.

 

[Schmetterling]

View attachment 120506

That is not from the same person who is normally our source of mirth, is it? Their use of English is very different.

 

[Pickman's model]

That is not from the same person who is normally our source of mirth, is it? Their use of English is very different.

Someone rather more senior

 

[quiet guy]

Used to have the same shit when I worked for PO and the response rates were always added as a KPI for each division which affected our end of year bonus.

 

[Treacle Toes]

Did I ever post about an email I received from a senior manager entitled 'Nicknames'.

It detailed his concern about the use of nicknames in our organisation and said that he didn't believe 'Tory-John' was acceptable.

I couldn't argue with the points he made tbf but he completely missed the point. The person called Tory-John was the opposite of that, hence the nickname.

 

[mx wcfc]

View attachment 120506

They do this at my place too. The results are confidential and anonymous. Only we get reports back that read "100% of males at grade x who have been employed for more than 15 years in y dept are thoroughly fucked off with the whole thing" . And then the bosses wonder why we don't take part anymore.

 

[Bahnhof Strasse]

 

[Winot]