The office 'scolding email' thread

[Badgers]

I love getting emails like this, they crack me up.....

Guys

Who ever has left an half eaten bowl of cereal on the side in the kitchen - can you empty it and place in the dishwasher - I dread to think what your home must be like!

Also stack plates vertically in the dishwasher - these do not go in horizontally! (who ever had rice for lunch!).......please go and stack it properly.

Can you please respect everyone else who has to use the kitchen and keep it clean and tidy.

Please post more up and make my working day more bearable!!

 

[etnea]

I have a few of these...

Dear all
Could you please do me a favour? If you're going to unplug something to make room to plug something else in, can you make sure that it's not something essential that you're unplugging, like for example the network, which was unplugged on the first floor today, causing me a whole load of headscratching and confusion.
Ta muchly

Dear all
While I realise that I will be doing the big switch from mac to PC over the next few months, this does not mean that you can abuse your macs. I was incredibly shocked and disgusted last night to find that someone had seen fit to stick some chewing gum to their emac.
The computers that you use here are the property of ********, and should be treated with respect. That means not drawing on them, putting stickers on them, or indeed sticking chewing gum to them. It's disgusting, irresponsible, childish behaviour, and given that we're all adults here, I would appreciate it if you could all behave accordingly.

Dear all
Can I remind you that as this is Friday, I will be emptying the fridges at the end of the day.

This is not a pleasant job, so I would be grateful if you could help me out in the following way. Please take the time to dispose of anything you do not want to keep and MARK CLEARLY WITH YOUR NAME anything you do want to keep. Anything left unmarked will be disposed of.

Can I also ask that people keep their consumption of foodstuffs in the fridges and cupboards limited to their own goods and refrain from stealing other people’s breakfasts/lunches unless you have asked first.

Dear all
It seems that the recent email sent by the MD regarding the consumption of smelly food, specifically fish, didn’t quite filter through to everyone. It’s really, really hot, and it is doing nothing at all for the atmosphere in the office to have great wafts of fish emanating from the first floor, in fact I feel downright nauseous.
I don’t care who it was, this is not a finger pointing exercise, but I would like to emphasise the COMPLETE BAN on all hot fish dishes, as well as smelly food generally – it’s really unfair on your colleagues, so please try to use a little bit of common sense when packing you school lunch.

Dear all
Could you PLEASE try and exercise a little care when putting things back in the fridge. I don’t particularly enjoy mopping up spilt milk because someone has put it back in the fridge on its side without the lid properly on. And while I realise there’s no point in crying over it (ha ha) it’s really not that difficult to put things away properly.

 

[aqua]

:d:d:d

 

[cesare]

I don't get those anymore. Those are great - at least some of them injected some humour

 

[Donna Ferentes]

I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:

Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you.

 

[boozybirdie]

I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:

Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you.

fab

 

[Loki]

Dear all
It seems that the recent email sent by the MD regarding the consumption of smelly food, specifically fish, didn’t quite filter through to everyone. It’s really, really hot, and it is doing nothing at all for the atmosphere in the office to have great wafts of fish emanating from the first floor, in fact I feel downright nauseous.
I don’t care who it was, this is not a finger pointing exercise, but I would like to emphasise the COMPLETE BAN on all hot fish dishes, as well as smelly food generally – it’s really unfair on your colleagues, so please try to use a little bit of common sense when packing you school lunch.

That person wouldn't speak for me, I wouldn't give a fuck, glad they're enjoying some decent nosh.

I bet they're on some sort of diet and can't handle the smell of yummy food.

 

[Badgers]

A personal favourite from June this year

Can i please reiterate ******'s notes of earlier that nobody should be touching the air-conditioning.

I fully understand that there are 4 or 5 of you who get cold. But there are 40 of us in the room - half who don't get any direct access to air anyway - so you turn the air conditioning off and the rest of us fall over from heat exhaustion.

I also want to point out that we gentlemen on the floor are required to wear long sleeve shirts and pants and closed shoes everyday. No singlet tops, short skirts and open shoes (at least in the office) for us. Therefore the effect of turning the air off is even worse.

I encourage those of you who are a little cold in the office to bring a jumper, shawl, mittens and beanie if required. - but stop turning the air-conditioning off.

So once again so there is no misunderstanding me -

THE AIR-CONDITIONING UNITS ARE TO BE LEFT ON AT ALL TIMES AND SET TO 24 DEGREES. IF YOU ARE COLD BRING MORE CLOTHES. IF YOU ARE REALLY COLD SPEAK TO ME AND I WILL ATTEMPT TO MOVE YOU

 

[Wintermute]

Dear all
Could you please do me a favour? If you're going to unplug something to make room to plug something else in, can you make sure that it's not something essential that you're unplugging, like for example the network, which was unplugged on the first floor today, causing me a whole load of headscratching and confusion.
Ta muchly

the others are fair game - my own favourite was one reminding everybody that the cleaners are only contracted to clean 2 cups per person so could you please keep count and wash up if you've gone over? But that one - "dear everybody, please don't unplug the computer network..." I'd have stuck barbed wire to the back of the plug, never mind a group email...

 

[fractionMan]

I got one in all capitals the other day

PLEASE CAN YOU EITHER WASH UP YOUR CUPS OR AT LEAST PLACE THEM IN THE DISHWASHER AND IF THE DISHWASHER IF FULL TURN IT ON.

IT IS NOT THE CLEANERS RESPONSIBILITY TO WASH UP STACKS OF CROCKERY. THEY WILL LOAD AND UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER WHEN THEY ARE HERE, BUT IT IS NOT THERE JOB TO HAND WASH 50 MUGS.

Your co-operation is appreciated.

 

[Badgers]

A recurring theme....

Hi Team,

I just wandered through the office and to be honest it is already starting to get that backpackers flop house look about it. Now I hate writing these sorts of notes – so I want this to be my only one.

Here’s the deal – not everyone wants to work in a messy environment (even if you do) it is unprofessional, unproductive and frustrating.

So from now on I want a clean desk policy to apply. At the end of the day stack, pack it or bin it. During the day do the same.

If you see paper lying around pick it up and give it to its owner or bin it – better still don’t leave paper lying around.

Clean up after yourself in the kitchen – if you can spill it, you can wipe it up.

If you want to live in a mess please do it at home.

We are one of the biggest ******** ******* in the country, we are a ‘serious’ sized business with over 2,600 businesses as customers, we have a brand we should be proud of and we all spend half our waking hours here – so that means let’s each of us do our bit to make the place and keep the place the way it should be – a professional office (with a personality) that we are proud to work in.

 

[fractionMan]

In my mind, that's exactly what cleaners are employed to do. Clean things.

 

[Badgers]

I really enjoyed this one as two less 'pleasant' members of the management team were involved in the 'late night drinking session'

Dear all

We are very fortunate to have maintained one of the traditions of the old 'dot-com' era and maintained our SMEG fridge stocked with beers.

I would like to think that we could continue this tradition, which means that occasionally if we think we've got something to celebrate (like the weekend!), we can have a drink together in the office.

Unfortunately it seems that I need to point out and clarify that the fridge is not there to fund late night drinking sessions. I'll say no more, just ask you to respect the spirit in which the the drinks are provided.

I'd hate to be known as the person who locked the fridge, but I will if it is abused.

 

[oryx]

This thread is .

In a previous workplace, an email went round from one of the HR people asking us to refrain from using dessert spoons to make tea & coffee, instead of teaspoons. She obviously had loads of really important HR-related things to do .....NOT!

(I was one of the main culprits )

 

[Badgers]

We have had company mobile phones for a few months now and generally the bills are ok. However there are a small number of you that are clearly using the phones for personal use in the evenings and at weekends. If this continues then we will have no choice but to deduct personal call costs from your expenses or salaries.

Here are a few points to remind you:

* Company Mobile Phones are for company calls ONLY.
* You should not be calling abroad on your company mobile phone at all.
* If you are travelling abroad on annual leave then you are responsible for all costs incurred for the period the phone is out of the UK. This includes incoming call charges and text messages. Our suggestion is that you change your voicemail and leave the phone in the UK, this eliminates any risk of loss or theft abroad.
* Please do not use call forwarding as it is very expensive.
* Please do not call premium rate helpdesk/support lines as they are charged at an even higher rate for mobiles.

We shall be making deductions from this months bill in some cases, I will speak with the people concerned directly.

If you have any further queries regarding this email please call/email me.

I may have been 'spoken to directly'

 

[Mr Retro]

I love the mobile phone one

I have a conversation every couple of weeks that goes:

Can we have your personal mobile number?
- No it's personal
Do you want a company phone then?
- Can I use it for personal calls because I'm not carrying 2 around?
No, it's for company use only
- No thanks then.
So can we have your personal mobile number?
- No it's personal
Do you want .......

 

[tommers]

god, this depresses me. I am so glad I don't work in that environment any more. I mean, we still get people moaning about not washing up cups but nobody sends an email about it.

so much pent up frustration.. *shakes head*

 

[Mr_Nice]

Had a classic a while ago ... some woman sent out an email on the coporate distribution list saying that she had an ironing board for sale for £15, then some one replied to ALL asking if she would take £10 then an IT bod mails everyone to say that this is using up valuable resource, then some one else replies asking if it came with an iron then somebody higher the chain said stop sending any more mails, then another jobs worth sent another to all saying that he was quite right ...etc

 

[beeboo]

a professional office (with a personality) that we are proud to work in.

We are very fortunate to have maintained one of the traditions of the old 'dot-com' era and maintained our SMEG fridge stocked with beers

oooh, a "SMEG" fridge. I love how unnecessary, but telling, that detail is.

 

[cesare]

For some reason that comment about not crying over the spilt milk really tickled me

 

[Pieface]

:
oooh, a "SMEG" fridge. I love how unnecessary, but telling, that detail is.

I know. Sounds odious doesn't it? A pox on the smeggy fridge!

 

[beeboo]

I know. Sounds odious doesn't it? A pox on the smeggy fridge!

Poor office, living under the illusion it is still 1997.

 

[Badgers]

living under the illusion it is still 1997.

A bit like our mate OJ?

February 4 1997 (over 9 years ago!!!)

O. J. Simpson is found liable in civil court for the death of Ron Goldman and for the battery of Nicole Brown Simpson. Simpson is ordered to pay $35,000,000 in damages to the families of the 2 victims.

 

[J77]

...a couple of members of this department were seen crawling around underneath the tables... they were attempting to remove the 4 way electrical cables...

At one of the UKs most prestigous education institutes

 

[Loki]

Here’s the deal – not everyone wants to work in a messy environment (even if you do) it is unprofessional, unproductive and frustrating.

Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.

In yer face!

 

[irishshapes]

I love the mobile phone one

I have a conversation every couple of weeks that goes:

Can we have your personal mobile number?
- No it's personal
Do you want a company phone then?
- Can I use it for personal calls because I'm not carrying 2 around?
No, it's for company use only
- No thanks then.
So can we have your personal mobile number?
- No it's personal
Do you want .......

i've had my phone taken back off me, and now they want my personal number! i have this conversation every few weeks! i'm actually beggining to think it's quite funny now!

 

[electrogirl]

I also like the little signs you get everywhere which generally have some kind of clip art on them. Those bloody beany men have a lot to answer for.

 

[chio]

I also like the little signs you get everywhere which generally have some kind of clip art on them. Those bloody beany men have a lot to answer for.

There's one where I am with something along the lines of "Hi! I'm Mr Mouse! You might remember me from those irritating adverts. I absolutely adore it when you leave your half-eaten curry out overnight... keep it up and you'll not be able to get rid of me... ever..."

 

[Mogden]

Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.

In yer face!

Well this lot will be doing chuff all work then.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6149324.stm
I'm more inclined to believe it's true rather than:

"Staff are asked to organise their desks when shared with colleagues to avoid clutter and to make sure they have everything set up to do their job effectively.

Any suggestion that staff are restricted to a pen and cup on their desk is simply not true."

Nah mate, it's just a pen they're allowed

 

[fractionMan]

Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.

In yer face!

Where, where is that study?