The office 'scolding email' thread

[Badgers]

My desk has nothing on it except a phone and a pack of business cards 99% of the time. I can confirm this is the sign of a VERY untidy mind

 

[pk]

I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:

Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you.

I'd have actively sought out your milk and drank it if I'd read that... probably left just enough to eke a cup of tea's worth out of it and peeled your nametag off it, just to piss you off.

I once worked in a busy office with a guy who was a complete twat, he'd often knock up stroppy memos that pissed people off, about stupid things that a quiet word would have sorted out.

Anyway one day someone moved a pair of headphones that were on his desk to the other side of the room as they were needed to listen to a programme.
Everyone knew what had happened because there was a staff meeting, this guy missed it, but we all knew the headphones had been moved, oooh, 7 feet?

The next morning he sends one of his memos to ALL members of staff, several thousand people, warning them never to take his headphones again, and informing them that he'd marked them with a label with his name on it (even though they were company property).

15 minutes later the MD walks into the office and asks "who is John Smith" and everyone points to the twat, he strolls over to him and asks if he sent the memo, twat says "yeah" all defensive (not knowing who this guy is) and the MD says "clear your desk, you're fired, security will be up to escort you out in 5 minutes, so say your goodbyes" and strolls out.

Twat goes pale and says fuck all, escorted out, never to be seen again.

 

[chio]

Twat goes pale and says fuck all, escorted out, never to be seen again.

that isn't actually that funny

 

[J77]

that isn't actually that funny

nah - it was hilarious

 

[jæd]

Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.

I used to work at a place with a clean desk policy. Spent 5 mins every morning taking stuff out of drawers and putting it on desk each morning. Then anouther 5 mins at night tidying away.

It was the MDs personal bug-bear so when she went away for 2 weeks everyone let things slide. And then we spent the Friday before she came back tidying up the office...

 

[May Kasahara]

Had a classic a while ago ... some woman sent out an email on the coporate distribution list saying that she had an ironing board for sale for £15, then some one replied to ALL asking if she would take £10 then an IT bod mails everyone to say that this is using up valuable resource, then some one else replies asking if it came with an iron then somebody higher the chain said stop sending any more mails, then another jobs worth sent another to all saying that he was quite right ...etc

Reminds me of the rather IT-unaware place I used to work at - one day everyone's system slowed down, really badly, during a very busy data entry period. No one knew why. Then everyone received an email with a MASSIVE attachment, which someone in management had sent round to everyone for no reason. Then the head of IT forwarded it around to everyone again, pointing out that sending massive attachments slows the system down considerably. Then our head of department replied (to everyone) to this email, still with attachment, agreeing how unnecessary and thoughtless it was and could everybody stop doing it please.

Mr K has had to send a few emails round his work that feature the words 'chodbin', 'stench', 'unbearable', 'air freshener' and 'unprofessional'.

 

[Andy the Don]

Christ if I did not delete them the moment I receive one in my inbox I would have loads of these self important snippy emails from people who do not have enough work to do.

One recent email was the person expressing disappointment that certain members of staff (yup me included) had not put their names down on the monthly rota for washing the drying up cloths.. Guess what..?? Still have not put my name down on the rota..

 

[Xanadu]

Dear all,

It was pointed out to me this morning that someone left a half smoked cigar in the fridge, not wrapped leaving ash everywhere.

It does not take a genius to point out why this is not on, one there is food in the fridge and the cigar has left a disgusting smell in there and also if this was smoked in the office then it is a more serious matter as this is not allowed. The cigar was left in a tray in the fridge with fresh fruit!!!

I have taken out the other cigar and left it in the kitchen with the half smoked one and whoever owns this can you please remove and not put back into the fridge again.

Regards,

Mr X

 

[bmd]

I got this one this morning, fuck knows what a plugbank is.

Can whoever has taken the plugbank from my room return it immediately.

I love the 'immediately'.

 

[Idaho]

We got one the other day about correct attire. Alas I have deleted it along with my counter-question about whether kilts and tights for men qualify as 'business casual'.

 

[Iam]

fuck knows what a plugbank is.

Now bring it back, damn you!!

I don't have the actual text any more, but ours involved yoghurts.

It basically said "you threw my yoghurt out, you're all cunts, I hate you and I'm going to murder your children". Well, ok, it wasn't quite that seriously toned, but it was close.

It was sent not to a couple of people nearby in the office, but to the national distribution list, and followed up seconds later with another titled "Yoghurtgate".

 

[Loki]

It was sent not to a couple of people nearby in the office, but to the national distribution list, and followed up seconds later with another titled "Yoghurtgate".

Yes, summat similar happened once when I worked in a company with about 20,000 employees. Someone sent a local office email company wide and we rolled around in hysterics as dozens of people who weren't paying attention hit "Reply-all" with stuff like, "Thanks, I can't see how a printer in Staines is relevant to me here in Tampa, but I'll see what I can do" etc...

 

[May Kasahara]

In the same previous workplace I mentioned earlier, a fellow worker sent round some Viz 'Top Tips' as a bit of a laugh, not realising that she'd sent it to all including our incredibly stuffy and uptight MD. One of the Tips was the classic "Make your wife crying while you're having sex by phoning home and telling her." Apparently the MD gave this woman the hairdryer treatment about 'inappropriate use of email' and reduced her to tears.

 

[Yossarian]

Where, where is that study?

Lost under a pile of crap on someone's desk somewhere?

 

[craigxcraig]

I had this one after a partic big weekend:

I have to email this to you to let you know how I feel about this afternoon.

Mate, you turned up for work at 1pm and where an absolute waste of space, it was really not worth you coming in!!! I am really flexible with you changing holidays so you can have half day on Friday and half day on Monday, but to be honest I feel you are taking the p*ss out of me!!! Turning up and you are not able to distinguish between whether it is Monday or Tuesday is unacceptable!!! I really am annoyed and disappointed beacuse I have tried to help you when you aksed for Friday half day instead of all day Monday!!

In the future, I will definitely think twice about things. I know everyone has heavy weekends but coming into work and blatantly being incapable of doing anything is really out of order. You are quick enough to tell everyone how ruined you are and how you need to sleep...... but I would rather not here it.... and it is actually not funny!!!

Then to top it off when you where leaving saying ........'I am sorry i have been useless today; I will be ebtter tomorrow' really does almost tip me over the edge.

 

[gemsy62]

I had this one after a partic big weekend:

I have to email this to you to let you know how I feel about this afternoon.

Mate, you turned up for work at 1pm and where an absolute waste of space, it was really not worth you coming in!!! I am really flexible with you changing holidays so you can have half day on Friday and half day on Monday, but to be honest I feel you are taking the p*ss out of me!!! Turning up and you are not able to distinguish between whether it is Monday or Tuesday is unacceptable!!! I really am annoyed and disappointed beacuse I have tried to help you when you aksed for Friday half day instead of all day Monday!!

In the future, I will definitely think twice about things. I know everyone has heavy weekends but coming into work and blatantly being incapable of doing anything is really out of order. You are quick enough to tell everyone how ruined you are and how you need to sleep...... but I would rather not here it.... and it is actually not funny!!!

Then to top it off when you where leaving saying ........'I am sorry i have been useless today; I will be ebtter tomorrow' really does almost tip me over the edge.

God if someone had to email me everytime I was like that, I would have left here a long time ago! I'm not the only one who enjoys a drink on a school night or who comes in worse for wear every once in a while. Its a sad fact of life that we have to spend half our waking hours in work it should be accepted that we're not always going to be full alert when we're there!

 

[KellyDJ]

One we used to have in the ladies toilets of my past jobs

please clean the toilet after use. Other people do not want to see your mess. Apart from being unhygenic it's also disgusting!!!

 

[Jenerys]

For those using the shower please stop taking the Fairy liquid from the lower ground kitchen to wash your bits…it’s just wrong.

Plastic wrappers from the Café’s 80p small baguettes will not flush down the toilets.

To the kind person that’s attempted this in the lower ground gents please come and fish it out

.

As we seem to be on a theme lately with toilet training, I hope we don’t need to arrange an actual training session, the first floor ladies will not flush themselves – it hadn’t even been attempted, don’t ask how I know this.

 

[May Kasahara]

Oh dear. I can't/don't want to imagine where you work Liljen!

 

[Termite Man]

Not being an office monkey I don't get any of these emails . So a big thanks to everyone who has posted theres on this thread just for me to laugh at how pathetic office monkeys really are

 

[chio]

One we used to have in the ladies toilets of my past jobs

please clean the toilet after use. Other people do not want to see your mess. Apart from being unhygenic it's also disgusting!!!

There aren't really emails flashing round here as it's a tiny company, but there are signs including "WE AIM TO PLEASE... WILL YOU AIM TOO PLEASE"

 

[winterinmoscow]

This thread is just great!

 

[Mr Smin]

Reminds me of the rather IT-unaware place I used to work at - one day everyone's system slowed down, really badly, during a very busy data entry period. No one knew why. Then everyone received an email with a MASSIVE attachment, which someone in management had sent round to everyone for no reason. Then the head of IT forwarded it around to everyone again, pointing out that sending massive attachments slows the system down considerably. Then our head of department replied (to everyone) to this email, still with attachment, agreeing how unnecessary and thoughtless it was and could everybody stop doing it please.

The HEAD of IT made this error? That is amazingly bad.
Someone said they don't get these emails as they are not an office monkey - my solution has been to leave myself on the office monkey email group even after my IT stint ended and I returned to being a stretcher monkey.

Funniest one I saw lately was totally genuine: photo of large old desk which had been left outside for removal - totally blocking the outside of a fire exit. Message was something like 'as an emergency service we are supposed to have some grasp of health and safety'.

 

[Poi E]

Twat goes pale and says fuck all, escorted out, never to be seen again.

But he perks up later as his lawyer files an action for unfair dismissal

 

[May Kasahara]

The HEAD of IT made this error? That is amazingly bad.

To be fair to him, he was a fucking moron.

 

[mrsfran]

There's one member of my team who is CONSTANTLY sending group emails complaining about every little fucking thing. She sent one this morning to the whole team saying (paraphrased) "Someone yesterday forgot to check the fax tray and last night, when I was working late because I am so fucking perfect, I found two important reports and I dealt with them myself. Please could everyone try to be as anal and uptight as me at all times."

Jesus I hate her.

 

[pk]

But he perks up later as his lawyer files an action for unfair dismissal

Nope - he took it on the chin - plus it was within his probationary period, so he didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

[pk]

that isn't actually that funny

Yeah it was - he was a prick, fuck him.

 

[beeboo]

To be fair to him, he was a fucking moron.

 

[Loki]

Where, where is that study?

This isn't the study I read before, but it will do

Work by Steve Whittaker and Julia Hirschberg of ATT Labs-Research, however, suggests that clutter may actually be quite an efficient organising principle. In "The Character, Value and Management of Personal Paper Archives", they examine the distinction that MIT's Tom Malone draws between "filers" and "pilers".

When filers receive paperwork, they put it away. When pilers get it, they leave it on the desk--not randomly, but in concentric circles. There is a "hot" area, of stuff that the worker is dealing with right now. There is a "warm" area, of stuff that needs to be got through in the next few days: it may be there, in part, as a prompt. And there is a "cold" area, at the edges of the desk, of stuff which could just as well be in an archive (or, often, the bin).

According to Mr Whittaker and Ms Hirschberg, the assumption that filers can find stuff more quickly is wrong. Filers, they say, "are less likely to access a given piece of data, and more likely to acquire extraneous data...In moderation, piling has the benefits of providing somewhat ready access to materials as well as reminding about tasks currently in progress." Filers have two problems finding stuff: they tend to file too much, because they have put so much effort into building a filing system, and they often find it hard to remember how they categorised things.

As well as giving much-needed succour to those attached to the ecology of their desktops, these studies have some serious implications for managers. If they interfere with people's desktops, they may also interfere with their thinking. Trying to force workers to get rid of clutter and scan their papers into a computer system may be an expensive waste of time. Companies which do this may find that they create large, useless databases full of information that nobody ever uses.

There's more worth reading in the article...

http://www.filing.com.au/Freestuff/pdf/ff_ee_clutter.pdf.