The office 'scolding email' thread

[jæd]

The HEAD of IT made this error? That is amazingly bad.

Fairly regularly (IME) "Heads" of IT usually don't come from an IT background...

Once when i was admining an email system we got sent an email with an attachment that was 39 Mb large... Whole email system came to halt and to be un-fucked by me on a Sunday afternoon...

It was from a CEO who was doing a presentation (was working at a conference company), so it was hard to tell him off...

 

[Kenny Vermouth]

That person wouldn't speak for me, I wouldn't give a fuck, glad they're enjoying some decent nosh.

I bet they're on some sort of diet and can't handle the smell of yummy food.

Nah there's a cunt in my office who keeps eating mackerel or herring from a tin and it fucking stinks the whole place out.

 

[prunus]

Something along the lines of:

"Please could people be sensible in their treatment of the staff toilets. The entire 3rd floor waste system was blocked for 48 hours last week because someone had flushed a pair of soiled y-fronts down the loo, causing inconvience for everyone and unnecessary expense for the company."

The staff there were indeed animals. Glad I'm out.

 

[bmd]

Here's todays plea to all the inconsiderate arses working here -

I just needed to express my frustration. Today when I came to work there was a sink FULL of dirty cups – yet again - which I washed and by the way I was working in xxxx yesterday so none of them where mine.

I bought milk on Tuesday when I was here and today I have bought milk again. I also buy milk each day I work in xxxx and incidentally I bring bottled water to work each day and only drink on average two coffees per day - they are proving to be expensive coffees.

I’m neither a skin flint nor a moaner but it is becoming very annoying. Surprisingly everyone I have asked drinks black coffee or none at all, yet the milk vanishes.

Well I feel a little better for getting it off my chest. Does anyone have any sensible suggestions? Or could we all be a bit more responsible and considerate of our co-workers?

 

[fractionMan]

This isn't the study I read before, but it will do



There's more worth reading in the article...

http://www.filing.com.au/Freestuff/pdf/ff_ee_clutter.pdf.

Cheers,

I've just pointed out the study to my boss.

 

[Mellow-world]

I think a lot of you will identify with this. http://www.lowmorale.co.uk/

 

[Loki]

Cheers,

I've just pointed out the study to my boss.

Glad to be of service!

Honestly, the clean desk freaks really get my goat, when they decide to make my desk their business.

So it's nice to be able to tell them they're wrong

 

[Xanadu]

Glad to be of service!

Honestly, the clean desk freaks really get my goat, when they decide to make my desk their business.

So it's nice to be able to tell them they're wrong

Whenever we had clean desk policies it was for security purposes.

 

[Mellow-world]

Whenever we had clean desk policies it was for security purposes.

That old excuse eh? lol

 

[Xanadu]

Pretty plausible when you've got people's bank details lying around.

 

[fucthest8]

I also like the little signs you get everywhere which generally have some kind of clip art on them. Those bloody beany men have a lot to answer for.

There's one inside our fridge (no clipart though), on the shelves inside the door that says:

"Please don't put milk on these shelves.

It falls off when someone opens the door

Which is really annoying for those people who didn't want milk on their food. Which is most of us"


The best scolding email we got had the subject of "Pointing Percy". Fantastic.

 

[Yossarian]

Nah there's a cunt in my office who keeps eating mackerel or herring from a tin and it fucking stinks the whole place out.

Yeah - eating fish out of a tin in an office full of other people isn't really acceptable, unless you're a cat.

 

[DotCommunist]

I can't remember what the sign was but a previous job had some twattish sign on the wall wirtten by the manager. Full of context, grammar and spelling errors like 'dissgresion' instead of discretion.
I corrected the whole thing in red pen and wrote 'D- must try harder'

 

[thought]

Dear all,

It was pointed out to me this morning that someone left a half smoked cigar in the fridge, not wrapped leaving ash everywhere.

It does not take a genius to point out why ......


I have taken out the other cigar and left it in the kitchen with the half smoked one and whoever owns this can you please remove and not put back into the fridge again.

Regards,

Mr X

Fantastic!

 

[pianistenvy]

I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk...

my mate wrote this on his blog a while ago - seems like an effective way to stop people drinking your milk:

The nearest kitchen to my office here at work is shared by a number of different departments. We all supply our own milk and there is an informal arrangement where anybody uses any milk they find on the assumption they’ll eventually buy milk themselves for others to share. I’m sure what results is a small number of people always buy milk and other people drink it. I try to buy some once in a while, though I use very little.

2 weeks ago I bought a 2 pint carton of milk and put it in the fridge. It was gone in less than 2 days. This didn’t bother me as this is, of course, the point. This week I bought a 4 pint carton but this time clearly wrote “drink me” on the side of it with a marker pen as an experiment. This milk hasn’t been touched since Tuesday and there is no other milk in the fridge now.

I’ve inadvertently stumbled across some kind of advanced milk protection system. I’ve filed a patent.

UPDATE: The milk remains untouched but someone has added the words “go on, please” on the carton.

 

[chooch]

Repeated as some people still seem not to be getting it.
Please note that paper used on one side only goes in the 'paper for use in the printer' tray USED FACE DOWN, whilst other paper that can be reused for scrap (i.e that's used on one side only but isn't flat enough to go through the printer, or is the wrong shape, or not entirely clean) goes in the GREEN scrap paper tray USED FACE UP. Any paper that does not belong in either of these trays goes in the paper recycling bin, unless it's card, or very dirty paper, in which case it goes in the bin. Thank you for your cooperation.

Clearly everyone's reply needed to be a reply-to-all to complete the circle of despair.

 

[scumbalina]

This thread is

I'm self employed so don't get any of this fun....I might start asking mates to nag me via email

 

[Loupylou]

This thread is .

In a previous workplace, an email went round from one of the HR people asking us to refrain from using dessert spoons to make tea & coffee, instead of teaspoons. She obviously had loads of really important HR-related things to do .....NOT!



Maybe she had a few moments in between fabricating allegations against staff.
One of the reaons I was sacked recently was for putting gold fish (in a tank) in my office, this was elevated to an 'act of insubordination so seriuos it warrants gross miscondcut'.
Cannot fucking wait for those words to be ringing round the tribunal court room.

 

[Loupylou]

almost forgot - my former manager once emailed us to tell us to 'ensure you place the chairs under the table' & left a note in the log book telling me off fo leaving a dirty cup in the office.
She also wrote a note in rally big letters that were writtwn in such fury it looked like a mad person had written it (?!!!) bnging on about picking up an egg shell that was on the floor & how she had to put it in a bin (not left by staff - I worked in the caring sharing CARE sector).
I used to fantasise about wacking her upside the head with the fire extinguisher & I think that's what she was goading me to do......
Thank fuck i got the sack & don't have to go & work with people who seem determined to make you as miserable as they are

 

[Badgers]

More of a whinge than a scold but thought it was worth sharing...

Hi Gents,

Thank you to all who replied to my e-mail concerning the gents Christmas party. Unfortunately it would seem that there has been a lack of interest in the event, with only seven people including myself showing an interest. With this in mind I have decided to cancel the event as we simply do not have the numbers to make a booking.

I'm sorry to all who wished to take part and hold out hope that in the future the guys can get together for an event. The girls in this instance have truly out shone us.

Thanks

Ha ha ha

(I blew it out BTW)

 

[hektik]

i will put my hands up here and admit that i have been guilty of sending out a similar email.

in my defence, i brought in skimmed milk for myself every day, and hid it right at the back of the fridge.

despite this, and despite the fact that the company provided 4 pints of semi-skimmed and 2 pints of whole milk every day for the whole floor, which were easily viewable and easier to get than my milk, some nob still decided that they would help themselves.

i still get enraged just thinking about it.

 

[liampreston]

=)

office boy here. Very familiar, very funny.

On the milk front (a common theme it seems), a sign did appear on the kitchen door along the lines of

Milk, like revenge, is best served cold. If you've used the milk, put it back, unless you like warm cheese on your cereal

It was torn down a few days after, heh.

 

[Jenerys]

I wish I could get hold of the email sent round at my friend's workplace telling of the office manager's disappointment that someone had shat into a paper towel and put it in the paper towel bin

 

[Cloo]

The funniest one we got was admonishing people for not flushing loos and in one case noting that someone had managed to leave some poo on the toilet floor!

 

[Badgers]

At a previous company the girls toilets had a regular 'joker' smearing poo on the cubicle walls.

Several emails went round about this

 

[LilMissHissyFit]

One of the reaons I was sacked recently was for putting gold fish (in a tank) in my office, this was elevated to an 'act of insubordination so seriuos it warrants gross miscondcut'.
Cannot fucking wait for those words to be ringing round the tribunal court room.

OMG can we come and watch?

 

[Badgers]

OMG can we come and watch?

Urban meet

 

[pengaleng]

Hi All,

Could you all please check what items are yours in the fridge and discard anything that is not any good and put your name on anything you want kept, as the fridge is really starting to smell.

I will be going through it myself the end of today and anything that is out of date I WILL be throwing away.

Thank You.

 

[beeboo]

I think we need to know what kind of tank Loupylou put these goldfish in...would I be right in thinking it wasn't specifically designed for housing goldfish?!

I think I've sent an email round about the state of our office fridge before, but as the contents included the remains of a twelve-month out of date pre-packed sandwich and various items of tupperware containing completely unrecognisable items, I thought I wasn't unreasonable.

 

[bluestreak]

someone once sent a forwrded email around the college i worked at warning us of some evil gang-related activity that was happening in the local area and not stop at traffic lights if the car behind flashes you or something cos they kill you in the face.

i sent as a reply all the link to the snopes article that quoted the urban myth almost word for word, a link to the london ambulance services' switchboard numbers to show that the person quoted for details was unlikely to work there, and a link to a google search using the quoted names and news organisations that referred only to hoaxes.

guess who got into trouble.

i know this doesn't really work in this thread, but ijust thought of it.