Great Father Ted quotes

[stavros]

The FT threads got me remembering lots of lines which I couldn't remember the episode they were from, so I thought we could just have a thread for great quotes. I'll start off;

Ted: "That's the great thing about Catholicism; it's so vague and no one really knows what it's all about."



Father Austin Purcell: "I knew a woman once, but she died soon after."

 

[Orang Utan]

see tagline

 

[fubert]

arsebiscuits

 

[keybored]

"Small... faaaaar away... ah forget it!"

 

[dylanredefined]

Fascists are people who dress in black and tell you what to do .And priests
are .

 

[stavros]

Dougal: "Nuns are great aren't they Ted? Not like real women."

 

[goldenecitrone]

Voice on tannoy at Craggy Island Fair "If there's a nurse here could she please come to the Tunnel of Goats where a young boy has become stuck"

2 minutes later on same tannoy "If there's another nurse on the island, could she please come to the Tunnel of Goats where a young boy and a nurse have become stuck"

 

[idioteque]

"I love my brick"

 

[stavros]

Mrs Doyle: "Would you like some cake Father? There's cocaine in it."
Ted: "Cocaine?!"
Mrs Doyle: "Oh not cocaine, what do I mean? Oh yes, raisins."

 

[blairsh]

"Hello father! So i hear you're a racist"

 

[DJ Squelch]

"You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning"

 

[i_hate_beckham]

"They're coming from Gdansk to see the Filum"

 

[N_igma]

Father Stack: What are we watching?
Priest: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Stack:Lots of young fellas running around in shorts, that's the sort of thing you like. *to another priest* And I bet you like that too, only you're probably imagining what they look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that with a big smile on your face...YA DIRTY FECKER.

 

[8den]

Those Women were in the Nip!

 

[miniGMgoit]

"Oh my god, I'm in a conversation"

 

[Flashman]

Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older.

"They've taken the roads in".

"You know rabbits"

"So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T."

"Can ye believe me own dog did that t' me!"

 

[DotCommunist]

"Hello father! So i hear you're a racist"

every line from that ep is fucking gold

 

[g force]

Yep...my stomach hurts after that episode.

 

[The Groke]

That would be an ecumenical matter.

 

[Badgers]

Mrs Doyle

imagine your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself

Can you imagine that father?
Get a good mental picture of it!

 

[kropotkin]

LenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlen


"Hello there Len"

"Shut up you little prick! I'm a Bishop!"

 

[purves grundy]

FT: Switch the TV off, Dougal. Chewing gum for the eyes.
FD: Ah no thanks Ted.

 

[kropotkin]

 

[SpookyFrank]

"Don't be silly, fascists dress up in black and tell everyone what to do. Whereas priests..."

e2a: beaten to it.

"You'll address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!"

 

[5t3IIa]

It's all gold

 

[fogbat]

"Please stand by for your national anthem..."

 

[Badgers]

It is gold
I file it alongside Fawlty Towers as a timeless classic.

 

[SpookyFrank]

"Do you think the babies are copying his style?"

 

[Andrew Hertford]

"Hello father! So i hear you're a racist"

Followed by:
"Should we all become racists now Father?"

 

[Flashman]

Father Ted: To China!
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Chinese man: [raising his glass] To Craggy Island!
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Father Ted: More drink!
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Bar tender: I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Father Ted: How about we all go back to my place for a drink?
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Father Dougal: Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.
[Hoooraaaaay!]