Can squirrels get addicted to crack?

[Stobart Stopper]

I doubt it, though I can imagine a paper who hasn't covered it (The Independent?) gleefully pointing it out. Perhaps someone should get in touch (I doubt Private Eye would be interested, but you never know)

It's not in the Independent, I checked when I went to the shop. Don't think it's in the Times either, I had a look through but didn't come across anything.

 

[Brainaddict]

Remebered me when I was in Palenque and a quirrel like animal called techon or so used to steal peoples weed and mushrooms what they stashed in the palm roof.

He used to drink mushroom tea as well when somebody left it, I know it was a he since he had sex with my trouser wanking all over it after getting high.

384 posts in five years and when you do post, it's about animals wanking on you. And it's badly spelt and punctuated at that. What are we meant to think of you huh?

 

[detective-boy]

384 posts in five years and when you do post, it's about animals wanking on you. And it's badly spelt and punctuated at that. What are we meant to think of you huh?

Sounds to me like we've unmasked one of the lurking journos ...

 

[shandy]

it's in the Daily Mail today. The bloke who runs my local offy was just pissing himself reading the story to me. I thought about telling him it was actually a pile of toss but then I realised i'd get home quicker for an ale if i Let It Be.

 

[dogmatique]

I still haven't seen Bob's response to his new found media savvidom... have I missed it somewhere, or is the old chap being enigmatic? (Or visiting parents)

I still can't get over picking up the SLP this afternoon and showing it to people in the pub before the England game. It's a crazy crazy world.

 

[chio]

(I doubt Private Eye would be interested, but you never know)

It sounds like the sort of thing that would get a snippet in "Street Of Shame".

 

[Maggot]

I wonder if they'll realise they've been printing shite, and if they do realise, will they do anything to retract the stories?

Only if the squirrels threaten a libel action.

 

[colacubes]

Only if the squirrels threaten a libel action.

Dear Sir/Madam

Following reports in the press today regarding allegations of apalling behaviour by the squirrel community in Brixton, my members asked me to investigate the allegations behalf of the National Union of Tree Squirrels (Brixton branch).

My investigations have found that the original allegation lies with your member "Bob". These allegations have had a profound and dangerous effect on the squirrel community. It seems from intelligence within the squirrel communitty that said "Bob" is acting on behalf of the dangerous terrorist cell of red squirrels that have been rumoured to be operating in Brixton for some time. These squirrels have waged a war of PR to try and have the peace-loving community of grey squirrels ostracised from polite society in the United Kingdom.

I request a full written apology and substantial compensation from your website to help the squirrel community as a whole recover from this terrible slur. If we do not receive the apology and compensation within 24 hours, we wll pursue a legal injunction to have your website shut down. The compensation should be left under the 3rd tree from the left by the lido in Brockwell Park. Please bury this in the box marked N.U.T.S (Brixtion branch).

Yours sincerely

Tufty McDougall
Chair
National Union of Tree Squirrels (N.U.T.S) - Brixton Branch

 

[alef]

Part of the reason this story has spread so fast is that it's funny. But perhaps talking about squirrels has also become a way of actually bringing up the fact that crack in Brixton is horrendous, a story which without squirrels is considered too depressing to give column inches to...

 

[Mrs Magpie]

I've just heard Fi Glover mention this on Radio 4's Broadcasting House.....

btw, when I showed IntoStella the SLP and the grauniad (amid unbridled hilarity) she remarked that she'd seen a squirrel frantically digging in central Brixton and eating what she thought was a bit of pale fungi...or not a bit of pale fungi, as the case may be......

 

[Mrs Magpie]

I think I've won a long-standing bet with someone on what the SLP could publish as a front page with the most implausible combination of cute animals and gritty urban crime

Do you get extra for National coverage?

 

[lostexpectation]

damn immigrants

... dangerous terrorist cell of red squirrels that have been rumoured to be operating in Brixton for some time. These squirrels have waged a war of PR to try and have the peace-loving community of grey squirrels ostracised from polite society in the United Kingdom.


no no no, you do its these damn illegal american grey squirrels who come and started taking the red squirrels resourcesthey have so little and these guys are taking it, next you'll want to be giving them rehab centres and free houses in their neighbourhoods area.

 

[JWH]

T-shirt!
T-shirt!

 

[lang rabbie]

I've just heard Fi Glover mention this on Radio 4's Broadcasting House.....

Damn, it had to be this morning I had the kitchen radio tuned to Radio 3 - is BH on "listen-again"?

 

[hayduke]

Damn, it had to be this morning I had the kitchen radio tuned to Radio 3 - is BH on "listen-again"?

It sure is

 

[Blagsta]

Its made it all the way to the editorial column of the Observer.

 

[gaijingirl]

Today's Observer, page 24

Twisted Tails

Has the World gone nuts?

(Beatrix Potter) would have been shocked to read reports last week that in south London, where an exhibition of her drawings opens this week, squirrels are aping the worst human habits and becoming hooked on crack cocaine..... One report describes a squirrel foraging frantically in a flower bed "Its eyes were bloodshot, but it kept on digging".

 

[William of Walworth]

Incestuous 'journalism', all this ...

Involving plagiarism of plagiarists ....

 

[William of Walworth]

(Just catching up now)

First hitting the pipe, now this... sometimes I worry about those guys...

Shite taste in 'beer', squirrels!

Best off sticking to crack!

 

[William of Walworth]

Urban Message Board blows long term police operation code named- OPERATION NUTJOB.
Sources close to Scotland Yard have revealed that senior officers are upset at the prospect of this expensive operation being ' blown' after reports of the crack addicted squirrells appeared in the local and national press. They have been reported as having launched an enquiry to find how the leak occured .
Sources are saying that the squirrells are part of a specially trained elite drugs unit attached to the National Crime Squad. Apparently they have been trained to sniff out and uncover crack deals left burried by pushers in surburban Brixton gardens and parks and to recover them to safe locations. Animal experts have long reported that grey squirrells have the fine sense of smell and intelligence to be trained to do the job.
A quoted senior officer has said that in some cases the squirrells over stepped the operational brief and ingested the crack rocks giving them the appearance of being ' totally out of their furry minds '. Detectives were forced to track them and rescue them from difficult situations involving the public.
One reported incident involved a pair of rampaging greys who were spotted along Electric Avenue, their food pouches stuffed full of crack. After CS Spray had no positive effect the police were forced to use Taser Guns to bring the crazed animals into custody.

 

[William of Walworth]

"I've just seen one jump down from an old sunflower by the Seventh Day Adventist church," said Reg Throssell. "I locked eyes with it and it stared back at me really confidently. It was scavenging and it looked scrawny.""

'Reg Throssell', eh???

 

[lang rabbie]

'Reg Throssell', eh???

You are doubting the veracity of The Manchester Guardian

 

[laptop]

M.C. Throssell lives just off the Mottingham Road... d'you think they could sue the Grauniad?

 

[Stobart Stopper]

That post by Pot Bellied Pig, it's all true. Every word.
There are about 10 squirrels in custody at the moment.

 

[dogmatique]

You could always eat them. Butler's Wharf Chop house does a nice line in braised squirrels legs, or squirrel loin wrapped in bacon. Marvellous stuff, no?

 

[lang rabbie]

The Brixton Crack Squirrel has now inspired poetry

 

[dogmatique]

Another honorary mention

 

[top_biller]

After the blanket coverage from broadsheet and tabloid alike , I was relieved to get through the whole of the Sunday Times main section without seeing it mentioned. Until I turned to the back page, where it was commented upon underneath a huge picture of a squirrel.

This whole thing is hilarious.

 

[Stobart Stopper]

This whole thing is hilarious.

The Commissioner aint laughing, now that Operation Nutjob has had it's cover blown, he's getting out of his tree, so I have heard.

 

[subversplat]

People keep coming up to me in the pub and going on about crack squirrels now. Over and over.

Thanks a lot.