DaveCinzano
WATCH OUT, GEORGE, HE'S GOT A SCREWDRIVER!
800 words on not properly chewing your roast chicken.
EIGHT. HUNDRED. WORDS.
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I write this a few days after a near-death experience. Well, near-death might be a slight exaggeration but it was certainly adjacent and, in any case, it was quite near enough for me.
I would like to say that death came in a heroic guise — that I was facing down a gang of armed muggers or storming the box office in a quest for Hamilton tickets — but, actually, it came as a piece of roast chicken. The incident occurred as I sat with a colleague in the FT’s office in Westminster, trying to write about Philip Hammond’s Budget speech. You see what I mean about the lack of a heroic backdrop. The cultural context to my near demise, then, was a plate of poultry and a politician they call “Spreadsheet Phil”. (I suppose Spreadsheet Phil could have a Goodfellas-ish quality to it, along with other noted cabinet gangsters such as Theresa Two Shoes and Boris the Gob.)
Anyway, writing on deadline, I had snatched a meal from the canteen and was eating at my desk...
...As my terror subsided, my mind turned to what had just happened. I imagined my family receiving the call from one of my colleagues. I remembered the parent from the spawn’s school who had a heart attack while watching a football match — one of those who left home on a normal afternoon and didn’t come back. But mainly I tried to figure out how I had managed to swallow an entire bird without noticing.
This piece ought to end with a moment of epiphany — a life-changing event that saw me heading home, hugging the family and vowing to live each day as if it were my last. But I am not that guy. I have, however, resolved to try to eat less quickly. While I may not be living each moment as if it were my last, I have resolved to eat each mouthful as if it were. You know that figurative advice about not biting off more than you can chew? It turns out to be true of eating as well. Who knew?
EIGHT. HUNDRED. WORDS.
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