The office 'scolding email' thread
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- Start date
There used to be a thread for things seen for sale in various places, eBay, marketplace, gumtree etc but I'm fucked if I can find it.
moochedit
I'm not feeding seagulls
What if you wake up and need to check urban on your phone at 3am?
nogojones
spelling is overrated
Liberated from the stationary cupboard I hope
newme
Giant in Pastyland now
Holy fucking shitballs I think our HR/who knows what person is insane.
Loads of town hall type meetings this week. They have been doing various confusing 'energiser' and weird games at the start of them. Whatever I guess it's different from a longer PowerPoint presentation instead.
Today however we had some idk Chinese medicine based thing by the sound of it. Some breathing exercise or whatever. Fair enough no particular issue with that.
What I take issue with was the concept that doing the same exercise with my right hand reversed would apparently help with brain cancer.... along with a huge list of other random organs and conditions listed for wherever my hand was.
This is not remotely anything like this company usually does. They don't sell anything remotely related to health, medicine, exercise, etc etc. It's a standard professional services place.
Loads of town hall type meetings this week. They have been doing various confusing 'energiser' and weird games at the start of them. Whatever I guess it's different from a longer PowerPoint presentation instead.
Today however we had some idk Chinese medicine based thing by the sound of it. Some breathing exercise or whatever. Fair enough no particular issue with that.
What I take issue with was the concept that doing the same exercise with my right hand reversed would apparently help with brain cancer.... along with a huge list of other random organs and conditions listed for wherever my hand was.
This is not remotely anything like this company usually does. They don't sell anything remotely related to health, medicine, exercise, etc etc. It's a standard professional services place.
Elpenor
Dancing as fast as I can
“If you have been issued with a laptop (or any other ICT kit) to enable you to do your job, there is an expectation that you will look after it and protect if from damage and loss.
Recently we have had several laptops come back to ICT which have been damaged either as a result of carelessness or deliberately by covering the outer case with stickers.
You must not decorate your laptop, even stickers can cause permanent damage, if we need to swap out your device for any reason it may be re-issued to a different user and the ICT team are spending large amounts of time trying to remove labels and other decoration which often leave residue and damage the plastics.
All ICT equipment remains the property of (organisation name), and it is provided for business use only. It should also never be left in a vulnerable location where it can be damaged by impact with other objects, pets, children, heat or water.
At a time when we need to make savings is essential that we protect our assets and extend their life as long as possible. We are also seeing unacceptable levels for cables being removed and docking stations to charge mobile phones. The cables provided for docks and not the same, and are much more expensive than mobile phone charging cables, the removal of the cables means that the next person who tries to use the dock with find that is not usable. The replacement of docking station cable that will come out of the ICT equipment budget and means that there is less funding available for extending the provision of laptop for all teams that would benefit from them.
If you require replacement charging cables, please contact ICT. In an emergency you can borrow one from a colleague, but do not remove it from any docking station or office.”
(email illustrated with a picture of a laptop screen someone seems to have sat on and another laptop adorned with stickers)
Recently we have had several laptops come back to ICT which have been damaged either as a result of carelessness or deliberately by covering the outer case with stickers.
You must not decorate your laptop, even stickers can cause permanent damage, if we need to swap out your device for any reason it may be re-issued to a different user and the ICT team are spending large amounts of time trying to remove labels and other decoration which often leave residue and damage the plastics.
All ICT equipment remains the property of (organisation name), and it is provided for business use only. It should also never be left in a vulnerable location where it can be damaged by impact with other objects, pets, children, heat or water.
At a time when we need to make savings is essential that we protect our assets and extend their life as long as possible. We are also seeing unacceptable levels for cables being removed and docking stations to charge mobile phones. The cables provided for docks and not the same, and are much more expensive than mobile phone charging cables, the removal of the cables means that the next person who tries to use the dock with find that is not usable. The replacement of docking station cable that will come out of the ICT equipment budget and means that there is less funding available for extending the provision of laptop for all teams that would benefit from them.
If you require replacement charging cables, please contact ICT. In an emergency you can borrow one from a colleague, but do not remove it from any docking station or office.”
(email illustrated with a picture of a laptop screen someone seems to have sat on and another laptop adorned with stickers)
ouirdeaux
Caring, Understanding, Non-judgemental Type
Were these pictures of actual laptops in their possession that had been so treated, or generic pictures for the benefit of those who didn't know what a laptop was, or what stickers were?
Elpenor
Dancing as fast as I can
Believe it was the abused laptops.
spitfire
Walty McWaltface
tim
EXPLODED TIM! (Help me!!!)
Going slightly off topic, at work we are well and truly nudged into conforming to ideal norms whenever we lock ourselves into a toilet cubicle. Despite number 2 there was still congealing urine on one seat this lunchtime.
1. & 2.
I don't know how many of our students phone the emergency number to report the shade if their piss.
3.
If our students really are this dim won't, that rather indicative thumb lead to the cisterns being clogged with shit-smeared Papier-maché?
And the first of five hand washing reminders
1. & 2.
I don't know how many of our students phone the emergency number to report the shade if their piss.
3.
If our students really are this dim won't, that rather indicative thumb lead to the cisterns being clogged with shit-smeared Papier-maché?
And the first of five hand washing reminders
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dervish
if you flibble when you wibble, don't wobble
I work in a similar role and I think this is perfectly reasonable. Our docks all use thunderbolt 4 cables, the shortest of which are about £20. USBC cables are about 50p.
I couldn't give a shit about decorating the laptop though, new starters will always get a new machine, everyone else gets a working machine.
isvicthere?
a.k.a. floppybollocks
Not an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
Not an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
WTF...what sort of business is it?
Elpenor
Dancing as fast as I can
Boris Sprinkler
Dont be scared
Fuck GaryNot an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
Zapp Brannigan
Built like a steakhouse, handles like a bistro
Dear Gary,Not an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
We'll be permanently on call when we're paid a permanently on call allowance that is at mutually agreed terms. Be advised Gary, our proposed rates are really fucking extravagant.
Yours,
Team.
ElizabethofYork
Old Crone
Which company is that?Not an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
Sasaferrato
Super Refuser!
A personal favourite from June this year
If I was in an office at 24C, I'd be turning the bloody thing down.
Spymaster
Plastic Paddy
Not an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
Fucking hell.
That's ripe for a severe bit of editing.
MickiQ
In My Defence I was left Unsupervised
Let me guess it's American right? Used to get this attitude all the time at Evil American MegacorpNot an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
Sasaferrato
Super Refuser!
We used to do call for a week at a time.
Funnily enough, after taking a QA Capt off at the knees for calling me out for a routine item, and not ringing around the other wards to see if anyone else had some, I was very rarely called out.
It was reported to me that at 3am someone had said 'Oh we have no amoxycillin, who's on call for pharmacy?' 'The grumpy one.' 'Oh, OK ring round'.
MickiQ
In My Defence I was left Unsupervised
Oncall at EAM you were expected to keep your phone on and respond within 30 mins, which effectively meant you had to stop home or be very close whilst oncall. TBF they paid very well for it, you got an hourly standby fee and paid on top if you got called. Which was OK you effectively traded the opportunity to go the pub or have an evening out in exchange for a wad of cash. I managed to fund a trip to Florida for a family of 5 in 2001 entirely out of my oncall payments for that year. We became a family of six whilst we we there even if we didn't know that until after we got back (but that's a different tale)
existentialist
Tired and unemotional
"Go team" as in "go somewhere else where they respect the fact that you might have a life"Not an email, but still in the spirit of this thread.....
Will the company share the profits which "we" all "neeed" to work together for?
isvicthere?
a.k.a. floppybollocks
Indeed. It´s as if they think an upbeat two word exhortation at the end will offset the ugly authoritarian message preceding it.
Ranbay
The same rules apply
OK, this is one I sent, I know it's not right for this thread but had to post it somewhere.....
xxxx,
This is what was said by ***** to security on Friday before we had an important visit from the client.
“He doesn’t take instruction for security or Ranbay, if Ranbay want’s the leaves picked up from the front of reception why doesn’t the pedantic **** pick them up himself”
The **** word starts with the letter C
Can you please arrange to have him removed from site and can you start your internal process.
xxx from security is happy to give a statement.
Regards
Ranbay
xxxx,
This is what was said by ***** to security on Friday before we had an important visit from the client.
“He doesn’t take instruction for security or Ranbay, if Ranbay want’s the leaves picked up from the front of reception why doesn’t the pedantic **** pick them up himself”
The **** word starts with the letter C
Can you please arrange to have him removed from site and can you start your internal process.
xxx from security is happy to give a statement.
Regards
Ranbay
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tim
EXPLODED TIM! (Help me!!!)
I teach therefore I mark.
extra dry
Happy to be here
Just this morning saturday 15th, a holiday, I got a rather rude reply to a grammar error I made on a group message board, which is for our group of teachers, 25 or so people.
I had missed out an 'a' and put a 's' in the wrong place. Good lord you would have thought I was writing this guys reference or something.
He deleted his rude message in under 2 minutes but 19 people had seen the reply. So I repied with the correct grammar, and included the the guys name.
I am pushing things too far? I already have had issues with him in past year, and so do students, and other staff members.
I had missed out an 'a' and put a 's' in the wrong place. Good lord you would have thought I was writing this guys reference or something.
He deleted his rude message in under 2 minutes but 19 people had seen the reply. So I repied with the correct grammar, and included the the guys name.
I am pushing things too far? I already have had issues with him in past year, and so do students, and other staff members.
existentialist
Tired and unemotional
No, you weren't pushing things too far.
I've always been particular about my grammar and spelling, but, since a stroke 13 years ago, it's been much harder to maintain the standard. Your colleague can have no way of knowing that there isn't some similar explanation, or just that you made a typo - on WhatsApp, FFS - and he certainly doesn't have the same excuse for his sneering. Fuck him.
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