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Men - have you ever been sexually harrassed at work?

I know you said end of thread, but just to check I assume you haven't built up any holidays or paid sick leave yet? Taking time off or even better being signed on with stress might help you to sort out what you want to do. But if you cannot get paid for it, that may not be an option.
 
I'm on a brief break from work at the moment, so can't do a lot of digging, but -

resigning without a job to go to is rarely a good idea - for one thing you're generally not able to sign on for JSA, it also takes some explaining to next employer.

especially if there's a way of taking a step back (even if that means taking a day or two's holiday or sick leave) to think about it all and / or seek advice.

employers have a duty of care when it comes to preventing / dealing with sexual harrassment in the workplace.

if you're in a union, they should be able to help (may need to refer to branch / regional office or something, especially if the other person is a union member as well.)

ACAS have a page about it here.

This suggests that it comes under the equality act. some things under the equality act don't have the 2 year qualifying period for unfair dismissal (constructive dismissal is a form of unfair dismissal) and getting sacked / victimised for raising a complaint under the equality act may also be covered. (i'm not clear on this, so i'm suggesting it as a possibility, not with any authority)

to claim constructive dismissal, you usually have to show that you have at least tried to resolve a situation via employer's grievance procedure before you resign.

hope you get things sorted one way or another.
 
i've never been sexually harassed, i.e. importuned about sex, but i have been gender harassed, i would call it, often enough that i wrote it up and had that note put into my own file, and had one or two other h.r. experiences. so i'll be interested Petcha in how your meeting went.
 
Petcha said:
Yes. You're right. I'm totally lost right now. End of thread. Sorry everybody. No idea what to do but I always figure it out.
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This might not be any use by the time you read it but I'd advise sleeping on any decision.
You're obviously stressed (naturally) so don't rush into anything.
If you want to resign you can always do it tomorrow or next week - but once you do resign it is highly likely you will be unable to undo it.

At today's meeting I'd just outline how this individual is making you feel uncomfortable. If they ask anything you don't want to answer don't. Take a pause and don't be afraid to say that you don't feel able to continue with the meeting at present - too mentally stressed.

If you can I'd try to bring a work colleague in with you for support.
 
I worked with a bloke who was senior to and older than me. He used to smack down every suggestion I made and invariably called me “sweetie”. I don’t think that was sexual harassment exactly, rather that he was weaponising being gay to throw me off and assert dominance, but it was really annoying.

It didn’t occur to me for a second to complain, I just waited until I was promoted a couple of rungs and in a position to restructure the business so that he was surplus to requirements.
 
It happens.

One time that sticks in my mind, because my boss and I joked about it so much, he was only a couple of years older than me and we could neither believe my complaint.

In the days before cloud, servers were kept in data centers appropriate to their criticality level. This was our IDS systems on country level backbone. So we went to install the physical server in the data Centre handling bank level servers, etc.
Everything was controlled by airlock doors and two factor card authentication.
We were 2 guys, carrying one rack mount server. My colleague in front of me.
The data center guy accompanying us, helping with our access cards, took mine from my breast pocket, and behind my colleagues back, grabbed and groped my junk. (2008).
😳
And we didn’t know how to deal with it. So we laughed it off.
 
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One of the regulars at the bar I used to work at crossed a lot of lines with sexualised 'banter' directed at me and, like a lot of men here are reporting, I probably waved it away even when it made me feel really uncomfortable and left me not wanting to do the job at all.

This was a woke lefty social club but I still had zero confidence that anyone would've had my back if I'd tried to raise this as cause for barring this person. I doubt I ever even considered it.

But I've never felt any sort of physical threat along with it, whether implicit or overt. It's men who have the monopoly on making people feel like that. I've never had any sort of sexual harassment from men that I can recall. Physical harassment sure, but that doesn't usually feel as targetted or as personal, and there's not the same tendency for patterns of behaviour to form over time. It's usually just some dickhead in a bad mood that day. And being big enough to stand my ground has usually done the trick there. Not always mind you, but still I'd take the occasional punch in the face over long-term, personal, psychological forms of harassment.
 
I had a psychologically abusive female boss when I worked in a military school. She would lie and cheat and spread malicious gossip around the departments. She would laugh in your face about it if you protested. She was always backed up by her boss. We suspected bedroom shenanigans between them as this guy just did whatever she wanted. I would say she was a true psychopath.

And she used sexual advances to her advantage too. She would lean in too close, press up against me when I was at my desk. Make lewd comments, sit in the middle of the open office conducting meetings with her short skirt hiked up revealing the top of her stockings. She pranced around the place like she owned it. After a while I began to feel physically repulsed by her mere presence. She challenged me in performance reviews about why I kept moving away from her and (subconsciously) contorted my body into avoidant shapes when we passed though doorways at the same time. I remember the final performance review when I felt so wracked with stress I had to run out to the toilet and almost crapped myself before I got there.

I took my issues to HR and learned the hard way that they'll make soothing noises to my face and then back up whoever was in official authority. The army is full of that. And full of it. I got a meeting with the lawyer who agreed with me verbally but did nothing in the final showdown meeting with the female boss. She was staring at me and giggling the whole time. And she was right. Nothing would and nothing did happen to her.

Luckily my contract was soon up for renewal so I refused to apply to continue and just left. But before that I moved my desk stuff into an empty classroom and refused to sit in the same office as her. On my leaving day her own bent boss was shocked when I refused to shake his hand. Yeah whatever. I just said "We know what you've done," and walked out.

I'm now in a wonderful school and job, surrounded by great, supportive people. This abusive boss has since left of her own accord, citing a lack of power and control as her reason. She's now in a civilian school in a position of authority. God help them. On the rare occasions I see her around in town she still makes me feel sick.
 
petee said:
i've never been sexually harassed, i.e. importuned about sex, but i have been gender harassed, i would call it, often enough that i wrote it up and had that note put into my own file, and had one or two other h.r. experiences. so i'll be interested Petcha in how your meeting went.
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Oh... it was a bit of a car crash. I bottled it. I told them how I felt etc and then of course after all of that my boss asked me what I would like to do. And yeh. I was fully blushing coz the whole thing is just weird so I told them to park it for now on the harassment side but to have a word with her on needlessly criticising my work. My probation meeting is next week and I fully expect to fail that, which I don't actually care about really but it's made their position on that front quite awkward I imagine.

But I'd like to see that weirdo at last get a bit of a reprimand. Apparently I'm on one week's notice (which they made a point of mentioning in the meeting). So things will be tight.

Sexual harrassment may have been the wrong term to use in the OP. More like a baby reindeer thing.
 
Petcha said:
Yeh... she's quite senior
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Thought as much, oh well, you get gardening leave, you get time to decide what you want to do next and you get to avoid her. This is of course not ideal, if this were the job of your dreams and you were being hounded out by a lecherous person it would be pretty dreadful, but from what you've said I'm guessing you weren't counting on a long-term career there. Could be worse, how do you feel about it all ?
 
izz said:
Thought as much, oh well, you get gardening leave, you get time to decide what you want to do next and you get to avoid her. This is of course not ideal, if this were the job of your dreams and you were being hounded out by a lecherous person it would be pretty dreadful, but from what you've said I'm guessing you weren't counting on a long-term career there. Could be worse, how do you feel about it all ?
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I dunno tbh... not the job of my dreams. I'm 45. She's actually quite a bit younger than that, but yeh - I've given up on my career basically. There's only so much fucking Photoshop/Illustrator/Indesign someone can do. I might just use the money and go away from London for a bit and become a teacher like I've always wanted to be. I dunno. Surreal situation.

So. Thank you though to everyone for the advice. I'll update on Monday :D
 
TopCat said:
www.glamourmagazine.co.uk

Every single woman has experienced intrusive staring from a man. We can assure you that it is a form of sexual harassment

Trying to lessen ‘quieter’ forms of violence against women makes us even more unsafe.
www.glamourmagazine.co.uk www.glamourmagazine.co.uk
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Yes, I'm aware of this. This woman has made the OP feel uncomfortable but I'm not clear on the sexual nature of this as per this (for example):

'London mayor Sadiq Khan and Transport For London have started a conversation around what unwanted staring can mean with new posters on the Tube. They warn commuters that “intrusive staring of a sexual nature is sexual harassment and is not tolerated”.'
 
Petcha said:
So, next meeting with them this morning - they've offered me 6 weeks gardening leave if I sign an NDA... good deal?
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I agree with cupid stunt. If they're offering that, then yes, she probably does have form (not surprising) and they're worried. So ask for more. Three months' pay for an NDA. That's the maximum length of statutory pay in lieu of notice.
 
Sue said:
Yes, I'm aware of this. This woman has made the OP feel uncomfortable but I'm not clear on the sexual nature of this as per this (for example):

'London mayor Sadiq Khan and Transport For London have started a conversation around what unwanted staring can mean with new posters on the Tube. They warn commuters that “intrusive staring of a sexual nature is sexual harassment and is not tolerated”.'
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That's a fair point. I was once stared at aggressively by a huge muscly bloke on the tube, legs splayed wide apart, and it made me feel very uncomfortable indeed. I don't think it was sexual, though. Just aggression - for some reason he had taken against me? I'm not sure aggressive staring without a sexual intent is any less bad than sexual staring, though.
 
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littlebabyjesus said:
That's a fair point. I was once stared at aggressively by a huge muscly bloke on the tube, legs splayed wide apart, and it made me feel very uncomfortable indeed. I don't think it was sexual, though. Just aggression - for some reason he had taken against me? I'm not sure aggressive staring without a sexual intent is any less bad than sexual staring, though.
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Agreed. But it's not sexual harrassment.
 
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