story
Changing the facts
We love giving parties, and have made some very famous ones over the years. I started throwing house parties in my teens, and have had anything up to four a year, every year since then. We had one year off, the year after someone decided to flyer Brixton with our address, and we ended up with a house full of drug-fuelled strangers, and they wouldn't leave til the pubs opened the next day 
Having been to some dire and depressing parties at other people's houses (one kebab on offer, bright lights, someone saying "Don't touch the decks! They're mine!" and having to do a whip 'round for booze before the offie shuts at 10:30), I thought I'd open a thread for party-making tips (with apologies if it's been done to death before...)
Here are some of my tips - more to follow as they occur to me.
Invite everyone you know, and tell them they can bring friends. If you have the room and the energy, invite parents early in the day so they can bring kids and leave early. Put a room aside where kids can sleep if the parents want to stay on. Put a sign on the door saying "Kiddies asleep in here!!" This will deter those looking for a place to get it on with their new pull (this does happen - no good pretending it doesn't. It's better they use a bedroom than the bathroom, which can lead to disgruntled queues on the stairs...)
Have a reason for the party. People like an Event. It doesn't have to be a birthday, it can be pretty loose and abstract, Thank Christ for Summer, or No More Winter Blues, or Bucket Sealion Appreciation Benefit.
Food, and plenty of it! Stodgy bean stews, bread and cheese, pasta salads, crisps and peanuts, choccie bars.... stuff to soak up the booze. You want food to be available for everyone, there will never be any leftovers. Baked spuds in the stove with a sign on the front saying "baked spuds in here"; huge bowls of rice, cold cooked veg, salads, the lot. Tomatoes, fruit - it will all go; unless you forget to put it out, in whcih case you will be eating it for the rest of the month...
Signs. Put signs up, on doors and walls. The idea is that people won't be trying to find you all night to ask you the same questions over and over. Where's the loo? Got a cab number? (Write down the address and postcode of the party, and several cab firm numbers, pin it on the wall in the hall); Where's the nearest offie/bus stop/ cahspoint? (Do a basic map of the area, pin it up near the front door). This all sounds utterly anal, but the idea is that you will be able to relax and go off duty once the party has started.
Bottle openers - invest in half a dozen or so, and tie them to various places - door handles, drawer handles... Put them in the kitchen but also elsewhere.
Music. Get in decks and a DJ. Several DJs, in fact. There is no real alternative to this investment if you want a good party. Mix tapes just don't do it. Most people have someone they know who likes to spin the decks; or a friend of a friend who will gladly come along. DJs like to play records. If you have two or three pet DJs, they will not only bring their records, but they may bring along another mixalot pal. Put up a blackboard and chalk near the decks so they can organise their own set times, like baggging a place on the pool table. Make sure your DJs get all the booze, drugs, food, sex they require. Bung 'em some taxi money as well.
Drugs. Keep your own stash private. If you're feeling generous, keep a separate stash to share. Decide on your policy, and stick to it. Make sure people know the policy, and the party will police itself. Some people prefer a NO DRUGS rule, and that's okay so long as eveyone knows - it's your house after all. If taking drugs is okay, you might want to think about keeping it away from the main party or away from windows where annoyed neigbours can see what's happening. If so, choose the room and put out mirrors or whatever. It's really annpying to find that someone has helped themselves to the wall mirror and then it got stepped on.
Supplies. Stash your own food supplies for the following days: bread, milk, fresh food.... hide it at the bottom of the fridge. Also, get in plenty of milk and bread and butter and tea and coffee for the party folk too. If they stay around all night, they'll need some fuel to get them out the feckin door in the morning. They can fetch their own Lucozade and Irn Bru though, by following the map you pinned up by the front door, natch.
Booze. You can't skimp on the booze. You decided to throw a party, this will be your biggest investment. Clear out the fridge to make room, and turn the temperature right down - all the opening and closing will make it work hard to stay cold. If you can organize a tub of cold water don't forget to ice the water (only do this outside, unless you don't care about a soggy floor). Don't use the bathtub if the only loo is in the bathroom. Buy crates and boxes of beer. Buy bottles and cans. Stash a few boxes or crates, bring them out when the booze starts to dry up. The party will end when the booze runs out. If you want the party to end, ration the booze. If people expect you to be generous, they will be generous as well - they will bring booze and not hide it, but instead add it to the pool. Spirits - A party is a great opportunity to use up all that old left over foreign stuff, Just leave it out on a table with plastic cups and plenty of mixers. For godsake, do not under any circumstances make a punch. People will add to it, it will become dangerous, and you will end up clearing up vomit. Softies - Do provide softies, but only enough to be polite. Those who prefer JD & Coke tend to bring their own stuff - they don't trust parties, you see. Ice - Get in a couple of bags for the freezer (with a sign up to say so!), and another half a dozen or so bags for the beer tub.
More as I think of it: dealing with the neigbours etc
Any tips you can offer?
Having been to some dire and depressing parties at other people's houses (one kebab on offer, bright lights, someone saying "Don't touch the decks! They're mine!" and having to do a whip 'round for booze before the offie shuts at 10:30), I thought I'd open a thread for party-making tips (with apologies if it's been done to death before...)
Here are some of my tips - more to follow as they occur to me.
Invite everyone you know, and tell them they can bring friends. If you have the room and the energy, invite parents early in the day so they can bring kids and leave early. Put a room aside where kids can sleep if the parents want to stay on. Put a sign on the door saying "Kiddies asleep in here!!" This will deter those looking for a place to get it on with their new pull (this does happen - no good pretending it doesn't. It's better they use a bedroom than the bathroom, which can lead to disgruntled queues on the stairs...)
Have a reason for the party. People like an Event. It doesn't have to be a birthday, it can be pretty loose and abstract, Thank Christ for Summer, or No More Winter Blues, or Bucket Sealion Appreciation Benefit.
Food, and plenty of it! Stodgy bean stews, bread and cheese, pasta salads, crisps and peanuts, choccie bars.... stuff to soak up the booze. You want food to be available for everyone, there will never be any leftovers. Baked spuds in the stove with a sign on the front saying "baked spuds in here"; huge bowls of rice, cold cooked veg, salads, the lot. Tomatoes, fruit - it will all go; unless you forget to put it out, in whcih case you will be eating it for the rest of the month...
Signs. Put signs up, on doors and walls. The idea is that people won't be trying to find you all night to ask you the same questions over and over. Where's the loo? Got a cab number? (Write down the address and postcode of the party, and several cab firm numbers, pin it on the wall in the hall); Where's the nearest offie/bus stop/ cahspoint? (Do a basic map of the area, pin it up near the front door). This all sounds utterly anal, but the idea is that you will be able to relax and go off duty once the party has started.
Bottle openers - invest in half a dozen or so, and tie them to various places - door handles, drawer handles... Put them in the kitchen but also elsewhere.
Music. Get in decks and a DJ. Several DJs, in fact. There is no real alternative to this investment if you want a good party. Mix tapes just don't do it. Most people have someone they know who likes to spin the decks; or a friend of a friend who will gladly come along. DJs like to play records. If you have two or three pet DJs, they will not only bring their records, but they may bring along another mixalot pal. Put up a blackboard and chalk near the decks so they can organise their own set times, like baggging a place on the pool table. Make sure your DJs get all the booze, drugs, food, sex they require. Bung 'em some taxi money as well.
Drugs. Keep your own stash private. If you're feeling generous, keep a separate stash to share. Decide on your policy, and stick to it. Make sure people know the policy, and the party will police itself. Some people prefer a NO DRUGS rule, and that's okay so long as eveyone knows - it's your house after all. If taking drugs is okay, you might want to think about keeping it away from the main party or away from windows where annoyed neigbours can see what's happening. If so, choose the room and put out mirrors or whatever. It's really annpying to find that someone has helped themselves to the wall mirror and then it got stepped on.
Supplies. Stash your own food supplies for the following days: bread, milk, fresh food.... hide it at the bottom of the fridge. Also, get in plenty of milk and bread and butter and tea and coffee for the party folk too. If they stay around all night, they'll need some fuel to get them out the feckin door in the morning. They can fetch their own Lucozade and Irn Bru though, by following the map you pinned up by the front door, natch.
Booze. You can't skimp on the booze. You decided to throw a party, this will be your biggest investment. Clear out the fridge to make room, and turn the temperature right down - all the opening and closing will make it work hard to stay cold. If you can organize a tub of cold water don't forget to ice the water (only do this outside, unless you don't care about a soggy floor). Don't use the bathtub if the only loo is in the bathroom. Buy crates and boxes of beer. Buy bottles and cans. Stash a few boxes or crates, bring them out when the booze starts to dry up. The party will end when the booze runs out. If you want the party to end, ration the booze. If people expect you to be generous, they will be generous as well - they will bring booze and not hide it, but instead add it to the pool. Spirits - A party is a great opportunity to use up all that old left over foreign stuff, Just leave it out on a table with plastic cups and plenty of mixers. For godsake, do not under any circumstances make a punch. People will add to it, it will become dangerous, and you will end up clearing up vomit. Softies - Do provide softies, but only enough to be polite. Those who prefer JD & Coke tend to bring their own stuff - they don't trust parties, you see. Ice - Get in a couple of bags for the freezer (with a sign up to say so!), and another half a dozen or so bags for the beer tub.
More as I think of it: dealing with the neigbours etc
Any tips you can offer?
