Hubert Vibrant-Hubb here. Well if it's anything like this it should be wonderful. A lovely "supper club" in a formely working-class West-Indian pub. How could anyone object? I expect I will adore it. I may rattle off a cheeky little review of my experience there, which I am sure will be, well, er, lovely. Just like the other lovely experience I had at "Right up My Back Stairs" in Acre Lane. Lovely things for lovely people, georgeousness everywhere. How could anyone object....
Right Up My Back Stairs, Brixton
My lovely lady and myself recently dined at the “Right Up My Back Stairs” eaterie in Brixton.
Gritty ghetto-chic? Tres bon. What an incongruous delight it is, sandwiched between such
proletarian banalities as a “laundromat” (whatever that is) and a Pakistani purveyor of news.
Who uses these quaint little mercantiles I've no conception. You certainly feel special, and we
are special aren't we, as you are ushered in through the discreet side door, unsignposted as it
is, cleverly deterring passing trade, local coloureds, ne'er-do-wells and the London poor.
“I'm surprised they bothered really”, I confided to my partner, “putting a restaurant for our
class of people here”, as we entered the bijou Victorian attic, a room artfully accessorised to
look like a salon of the French Renaissance (or something, we don't really know, but we love
feeling like we're in an exclusive clique where only people like us know to what we refer.
Apparently it used to be a cupboard).
I surmised the intended ambience is ultimately that of what some might call Fin de Siecle
Neoclassique, but... “does it pass the acid test of our refined sensibilities” my English Rose was
want to enquire. Well, we shall see.
Ensconced at a window table we were able to observe omnibuses and passing ethnics in the
street below, certainly a diverting pre-prandial human zoo, I mused, while quaffing my
somewhat recidivist champagne. Our waitress was an apotheosis of sneered disdain as she
took our order. Her indulgence of our guilt a titilating frisson. The menu? Extensive, if a little
derelict – a nod to the inner city locale mayhap?
We alighted on an eighteen course repast – a snip at £3095 (excluding fawning, which
customers are required by the owners to do themselves). Our starters were a liver and lager
consommé (a tad aggressive) and a pate of lemur heart (authentically Madasgascan but rather
perfunctory; Mrs Posh was quite upset). For main, I had guinea-pig tongue in a rhubarb
hollandaise sauce (exotic, erotic, sumptuous), and my partner in culinary and topographical
posturing optioned for the warm mousseline of mallard imprisoned in a marzipan sarcophagus
and drizzled in sputum, pavement-matured in the environs. (They don't tell everyone about
this for fear of overwhelming demand, it is organically harvested). She says it didn't deliver in
the flavour department. “How was it in the haberdashery department darling”, I quipped. I am
so funny and erudite.
To follow; a simple peasant sausage each (an homage to the native population), garnished
with a bounteous arabesque of crème fraîche and Pickled Onion Monster Munch. Impressive,
especially when one is distracted by attempting to appear familiar with the vacuous etiquette
of the aspirant classes, isn't one. The other sixteen dishes, suffice to say they were insouciant,
adequate, perchance to dream, even a little insolent. Cheeky chappies all – rather like the
adorable piccaninies begging for scraps outside. Mrs Posh says that something else she had
was also “very nice thanks” which adds much to this review I feel. What a cherubic little
poppet she is. I do love her so.
Our fellow diners were a teasing compote of hee-hawing nonentity, racism and wasted
education. “This is absolutely what Brixton needs” we chirruped (for we never disagree), now
stuffed like gluttonous dictators in our eerie perched high above Chav Street. Somehow it was
all so deliciously reminiscent of the sacking of the Jewish ghettos during the 1939 to 45 war, I
ruminate retrospectively as I pen this now, at this moment, myself, here.
“Right Up My Back Stairs” must be the best kept cliché, er, secret, in south London. A soupçon
of the Third Reich on our doorstep! We are such lucky, lucky people. “Chacun a son gout” I
conclude. Whatever the fuck that means.
By Hubert Vibrant-Hubb