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Worst book ever written

Mmmm. That is quite an argument you have presented there...

:D

Well, if you post complete, utter bollocks apparenty masquerading as serious literary criticism, I fail to see why I shouldn't use single words in response, tbh.

"I don't like it, therefore, it's shit."

Yeah, well done, Charlie.

;) :D
 
I'm gonna say the Alchemist by Paul Coelho. More like Paul Shit-at-writing-books.

I've never read that one but the three quarters of the Witch of Portabello that I have read were very rubbish....all about a magical and compelling woman who we know is magical and compelling because we are told so. Repeatedly.
 
An acquaintance of mine once wrote a book. She asked me to take a look at it. Here is a random extract:



The book is 404 pages long. It is all like this. It is the worst book ever written.

I don't think anyone's asked but how many pages did you manage to last?
 
Is that, perchance, a reference to Prince Rupert of the Rhine, superb cavalry commander and possibly the luckiest royalist fop of English Civil war period?

Yes, it is. She used to go on about him.

I don't think anyone's asked but how many pages did you manage to last?

Two. LOOK AT IT.

As he passed the lady to get in, he got a waft of jasmine and ambergris and looked at her with the interest of the lustful and wealth-conscious. She was around his age that he could tell, with thick shiny auburn curls escaping from underneath her hood. She had the long tiny waist that was all the fashion but which few managed to achieve, with some wicked curves dictating the line of her gown, suggesting the loveliest legs, hips and breasts. Her clothes were very handsome. A cornflower-blue lutestring suit with violet taffeta petticoat, decorated with a broad panel of silver lace down the centre and at the hem, and a fox-trimmed purple cloak - everything about her dripped money and sex. Uriah was beside himself. He watched her make her way to the alley, scrutinizing her walk for every detail of prettiness and wealth. Why was she calling at sir’s house, at this hour and through the back door? She looked far too rich to be anything but one of the King’s whores, and besides, he couldn’t imagine Dr Isaacs going for that kind of thing. He was intrigued to say the least. He’d have to ask his master later who she was - in the most tactful and discreet way, of course. The boy stepped into the carriage and, popping his head out of the window instructed the driver where to go.

...


Sir, I am so sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t mean it, I really didn’t, I - ’ Uriah knelt down beside the alchemist, who lay now on his side with eyes tight shut. Perfectly motionless inside a halo no insect or arachnid dare penetrate. Uriah lost all awareness of them too no matter how much they continued to attack him. He was suffering another sort of pain now, far worse than they could ever inflict.
‘Dr Isaacs?’ Uriah ventured, chest knotting-up with dread.
‘Is he all right?’ Clara peeped in a tiny voice, and getting up off the bed stood weakly, unsure what she was now meant to do.
‘Dr Isaacs?’ Uriah urged, heart rising to throat and beating hard; shaking Cornelius with rough fists. Clara put hands to her face in dismay, and seeing in the corner of her eye her mistress stirring, hesitated whether she should tend to her, or wait upon his lordship first.
‘Dr Isaacs!’ Uriah cried out with a final, sharp shake. His voice was shrill enough to shatter windows, but Cornelius did not respond. With a horrible, black, sinking feeling he put fingers to the old man’s neck, hoping desperately for even the faintest beat. Nothing. ‘Sir, please wake up,’ he pleaded, forcing back devastating guilt, refusing to acknowledge his worst fears. Pressing hard against the alchemist’s neck as though he could force a pulse through sheer willpower.

...

Belial ignored them all, and kneeling down before Azazel, grabbed a mass of his inky hair and smashed his head against the wall just hard enough so he would really feel it later; a small dark river of blood trickling crookedly down. He then picked him up and flung him roughly over his shoulder, pushing the sad broken wings out of his face with annoyance. ‘Where are we going, then?’

‘I wonder where Asmodeus is?’ Semyaza thought aloud, ‘I don’t suppose you know, Bubba?’ Beelzebub shook his head. ‘What about you Raf?’ Raphael shook his head also. ‘Hmm, can’t imagine Asmodai’d be interested in seeing Azza at the moment anyway - if what you saw was as bad as you say.’ Beelzebub nodded gravely. He had seen everything that had happened between his friend and the demon, and in his opinion, it had been bad. ‘Well - shall we follow the river, and stop as soon as these blasted space-time effects are weak enough for Azza to make some sense?’

This is the WORST. BOOK. EVER.
 
Thank you missfran, I'm lovely the cut up version of the book.

Hmmm Page 69 please?

Page 69:

Unfortunately, this was also what made him the most useful warlord and member of Melek-I-Taus’ elite; and these most dangerous waters needed to be navigated with skill and care. But Beelzebub was good at it, and usually had the situation in hand without anyone, not even Azazel, noticing what he was doing. However, once it did take hold, it took every effort to reverse, and by that time damage was complete and the therapist exhausted.
Certainly, now was not the time for a relapse. It had to be nipped in the bud, immediately! Beelzebub turned his huge eyes full on at his companion, and showed he was impatient with this senseless delay.
Azazel met them with a shifty look, a flicker of shame. ‘You’re right,’ he said, ‘He must really need us. We can’t desert Him now. Not after everything we fought for. Not after all that we suffered together. Suffered for Him.’
‘Good to zee you’re zeeing zenze,’ Beelzebub said, relieved he didn’t have to resort to acting as councilor on this occasion.
‘Yeah, sorry about that…bit of a minor panic attack there.’
‘Without queztion.’
‘What do you mean?’ Azazel replied, offended.
‘Noziiing. Can we juzt get on with iiit!’ Beelzebub became fly, buzzing like a revved-up engine.

I wish I was making it up :(
 
I do know a book that competes with your colleague's for worst ever. This is how the book starts:

"The Chronoguiser is behind that curtain! It is big. It is wonderful. It is most amazing invention that we will ever have the chance to see!" Hundreds of people chanted those words and millions of minds chanted the same, in silent unison. "The Chronoguiser is behind that curtain!"

My previous rant about it.
 
I dunno. That extract sounds pretty cool

If I ever meet you, I'll make sure to bring the book along, because you may be the only person in the world who'd like it. It has a time-machine powered by gravity and a character who's the most intelligent person in the world but doesn't realise that two bits of paper on which is written 'your gift is a roa' and 'ming ring' just might form a sentence together.
 
The worst book I ever read was "The Vorpal Blade" by Colin Forbes - so bad I continued reading just to see how ludicrous a plot can get.
 
The worst book I ever read was "The Vorpal Blade" by Colin Forbes - so bad I continued reading just to see how ludicrous a plot can get.



Theres Vorpal swords in Charles sStross' Glasshouse.

they can cut through literally anything because they have miniature wormholes along the blade.

The fact that stross' gets away with that is a testament to how well he writes
 
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or

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The Redemption of Althalus by David Eddings.

I'm pretty sure the original manuscript was written in a combination of crayon and faeces. And Eddings has heard of the concept of "characters", but clearly wants nothing to do with it.
 
The Redemption of Althalus by David Eddings.

I'm pretty sure the original manuscript was written in a combination of crayon and faeces. And Eddings has heard of the concept of "characters", but clearly wants nothing to do with it.

it was so awesome when he accidentaly burned his own office down
 
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