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What’s the worst thing you’ve ever had to clean

campanula said:
2 situations come to mind - both dog-related. Probably the most appalling was being woken by an eye-watering stench which was so chokingly dense as to be almost visible. It was my daughter's bf's mastiff - apparently known for her dodgy digestive system (but not then, by us, when we agreed to dog-sit for the weekend). She had shat out a lake of foul, greenish liquid - over 5 feet long and wide, seeping between the floorboards. Sweetheart and I had to take turns, in between bouts of gagging, retching and almost passing out from extended breath-holding, mopping up with every item of ragged clothing we could muster. We actually had to replaster the kitchen ceiling (the floor below the catastrophe). as we had to pour jugs of disinfectant to mitigate the dribbling effluent.
The 2nd occasion, while not as actively stinky, was much worse, in terms of ultimate damage and horror. The thieving , runaway lurcher had come upon a cache of disposed cooking oil, from round the back of a local KFC. The dog evidently slurped up an amazing quantity - seemed like at least a litre - which he then proceeded to regurgitate...on my bed. We made no attempt to rescue quilt, sheets or, to my misery, our lovely (and fabulously comfortable) feather mattress, bundling the lot into the back of the truck and hauling it off to the tip.
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Fucking hell.

This is what shotguns were made for.
 
campanula said:
2 situations come to mind - both dog-related. Probably the most appalling was being woken by an eye-watering stench which was so chokingly dense as to be almost visible. It was my daughter's bf's mastiff - apparently known for her dodgy digestive system (but not then, by us, when we agreed to dog-sit for the weekend). She had shat out a lake of foul, greenish liquid - over 5 feet long and wide, seeping between the floorboards. Sweetheart and I had to take turns, in between bouts of gagging, retching and almost passing out from extended breath-holding, mopping up with every item of ragged clothing we could muster. We actually had to replaster the kitchen ceiling (the floor below the catastrophe). as we had to pour jugs of disinfectant to mitigate the dribbling effluent.
The 2nd occasion, while not as actively stinky, was much worse, in terms of ultimate damage and horror. The thieving , runaway lurcher had come upon a cache of disposed cooking oil, from round the back of a local KFC. The dog evidently slurped up an amazing quantity - seemed like at least a litre - which he then proceeded to regurgitate...on my bed. We made no attempt to rescue quilt, sheets or, to my misery, our lovely (and fabulously comfortable) feather mattress, bundling the lot into the back of the truck and hauling it off to the tip.
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Cheered me up after re reading mine. :) x
 
campanula said:
2 situations come to mind - both dog-related. Probably the most appalling was being woken by an eye-watering stench which was so chokingly dense as to be almost visible. It was my daughter's bf's mastiff - apparently known for her dodgy digestive system (but not then, by us, when we agreed to dog-sit for the weekend). She had shat out a lake of foul, greenish liquid - over 5 feet long and wide, seeping between the floorboards. Sweetheart and I had to take turns, in between bouts of gagging, retching and almost passing out from extended breath-holding, mopping up with every item of ragged clothing we could muster. We actually had to replaster the kitchen ceiling (the floor below the catastrophe). as we had to pour jugs of disinfectant to mitigate the dribbling effluent.
The 2nd occasion, while not as actively stinky, was much worse, in terms of ultimate damage and horror. The thieving , runaway lurcher had come upon a cache of disposed cooking oil, from round the back of a local KFC. The dog evidently slurped up an amazing quantity - seemed like at least a litre - which he then proceeded to regurgitate...on my bed. We made no attempt to rescue quilt, sheets or, to my misery, our lovely (and fabulously comfortable) feather mattress, bundling the lot into the back of the truck and hauling it off to the tip.
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Ruff stuff
 
Ooh I've thought of another one. Some acid-casualty nutcase who had asked to stay over at our squat one night and ended up staying for months, despite our attempts to get shot of him. He went off somewhere else for a couple of days and we took the opportunity to pile up all his stuff in the hallway for him to collect. Then came the job of returning his bedroom to a state fit for human use. A task complicated by his extraordinary achievements in the field of hoarding his own piss. There were countless plastic bottles of the stuff, several uncovered bins and buckets and, most horrifying of all, one of those plant mister things with the spray attachment. Judging from the state of the walls, this had not been used solely for storage.

The carpet, mattress, sheets, curtains were beyond even taking to the tip and could only be dragged out and burnt. Litres upon litres of bleach were expended. The window sill and the floorboards had to be stripped back with a power sander. But nothing could remove the stench from my nightmares, not for a good few weeks afterwards :(
 
I used to clean the cells at a police station when I was a student, that was an interesting smorgasbord of most body fluids of a Monday morning. :hmm:

I didn't have to clean this up, thank goodness, but my friend went to Marks and Spencer one fine day in 1996, stocked up on loads of food including prawns and milk and put it in the boot of her car in the multi-storey whilst she went for some lunch. Soon after, the IRA detonated a bomb in the city centre. She was summoned to pick up her car, many weeks later, later, only to find the police person driving it down the ramp whilst vomiting through the open window at the stench. Had to scrap it.
 
moose said:
I used to clean the cells at a police station when I was a student, that was an interesting smorgasbord of most body fluids of a Monday morning. :hmm:

I didn't have to clean this up, thank goodness, but my friend went to Marks and Spencer one fine day in 1996, stocked up on loads of food including prawns and milk and put it in the boot of her car in the multi-storey whilst she went for some lunch. Soon after, the IRA detonated a bomb in the city centre. She was summoned to pick up her car, many weeks later, later, only to find the police person driving it down the ramp whilst vomiting through the open window at the stench. Had to scrap it.
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A friend of mine was a sparks in the Natwest tower when the Bishopsgate bomb was exploded. There was a warning (it was a Saturday and hardly anyone is in The City on Saturdays) and everyone was taken to the below ground floors. That didn't help his Labrador "Luke" who was in his van in the undercroft car park which got blown to fuck :(
 
Spymaster said:
Fucking hell.

This is what shotguns were made for.
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Kill the dogs
Spymaster said:
A friend of mine was a sparks in the Natwest tower when the Bishopsgate bomb was exploded. There was a warning (it was a Saturday and hardly anyone is in The City on Saturdays) and everyone was taken to the below ground floors. That didn't help his Labrador "Luke" who was in his van in the undercroft car park which got blown to fuck :(
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But not with bombs.
 
I had a job in prison as a landing cleaner on the fours. Dead easy, until like a silly bastard I took the bribe of extra money to clean a flowery after a con slashed his own gregory and arms up. The claret was everywhere, even the ceiling and a really dark red.

I got a fiver in my spends account for that. Jacked the job in next day and took up as an orderly for the maths tutor. :D
 
whilsst doing housekeeping at a small private hospital being called to a patient room by a very apologetic staff nurse...very big guy had done what i can only describe a an elephantine shit...it was above the rim of the loo...took ages to sort out and clean.....but fuck me half an hour later he repeated this exercise.....not a happy bunny :eek:
 
Spymaster said:
I worked in a butcher's shop as a youngster. The worst jobs were cleaning the walk-in fridge, which was caked in deep blood and fat spatters; and the band saw, which accumulated huge amounts of powdered bone and bone-marrow internally.
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Same here. Every Saturday- take everything out of the fridge, clean it all out, put everything back in.
 
mentalchik said:
whilsst doing housekeeping at a small private hospital being called to a patient room by a very apologetic staff nurse...very big guy had done what i can only describe a an elephantine shit...it was above the rim of the loo...took ages to sort out and clean.....but fuck me half an hour later he repeated this exercise.....not a happy bunny :eek:
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The fact he managed two giant shits is quite impressive though. You gotta admire the gastrointestinal fortitude. :thumbs::D
 
SpookyFrank said:
hoarding his own piss.
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I had a short spell staying at a YMCA when freelancing 20 years ago. (Village People were lying BTW.)

Despite the rules about no long stays, there was one fella who they had clearly taken pity on who was a resident. I'd glanced into his room and noticed it was filled with bottles and jars.

This later completed the mystery of who it was in the breakfast room every morning who loudly cleared their throat for long periods. This fella would collect his phlegm in the jars then pour it onto his coffee for a cappuccino effect.
 
a long time ago i was 'between flats' & borrowing my exs room in a big student collective while juggling two jobs. it was a hot summer, all the students had gone home or away & i was alone in the big flat for 2-3 weeks. didn't spend much time there cept for sleeping.

woke up on my day off after a week of double shifts & a night out. the light was flashing on the answering machine. there was a message from one of the students telling me - in third person - that she had started making fish stock before leaving & forgotten all about it...

there was a 4 gallon stainless steel container with some make-shift lid on the balcony.
the sunny balcony.

inside the container there was 3.886 gallons of fish bones, fish heads, water, vegetables, maybe some nice white wine. bit hard to tell,
it had been left to mature in the hot summer sun for about two weeks.

considered carrying it away as it was, but not possible, no real lid, stairs, no means of transportation - had no car & wouldn't put it in one anyway.
briefly considered chucking it off the balcony. decided not to.

so i had to carry it inside, pour it out into the sink, little by little, & clean up the rotten mess.

at least i could leave it til my hangover had begun to wear off.
 
I would just like to report that I started reading this disgusting thread yesterday morning when I was incredibly hungover and I had to stop as I nearly vommed :D

Anyway for me, when I was 16 my great aunt came to stay with us when she was close to the end. One day I got home from school to find my Dad ashen faced and asking if I would help out for my aunt's dignity as she wouldn't let him. Her colostomy bag had come away and she was covered in her own shit. I cleaned it all up but I swear to god the smell stayed with me for weeks :(
 
The butchers / meat prep room at Sommerfields supermarket. 3 evenings a week after college. It was fucking horrible. The smell of the pork particularly.

Thankfully got moved to the delicatessen after a few months. Much more civilised and met my first girlfriend who also worked there. But I digress.
 
...edit I also worked in a supermarket, the foreman didn’t like me very much, on Saturdays he passed me over to the butchers department, my job was to clean the bandsaw which was a mechanical saw for cutting up meat. So imagine lots of fat, blood and flesh sawdust which used to end up in a waste tank under the cutting surface. Not only was the mess nasty but there were loads of sharp surfaces and blades to cut your hands. I had a three week holiday one summer and on my return no one had cleaned it, so it was overflowing and the contents had changed colour to a fade from bright green at the bottom to pink at the top... it stank, and there were maggots wriggling about in it, two burly butchers stood over me to make sure I didn’t leg it... it was my last day in that job.
 
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My mum had Vascular Dementia, and one night she shat herself in the bedroom, then trampled it through the carpet. It was everywhere.

My task was to get her in to the bathroom, undress her, get her into the bath, scrape it out from between her toes and dry bits of skin, clean her, dry her, keep her helping hands out of the shitten up clobber, then get her settled somewhere for a while, while I did the main scrape up, call my brother* to get a new carpet or some emergency relief - he brought a Dyson, and expected me to do the Dysoning, oh, it was a long night.

* Some of you might remember my Dementia Duty thread, with the brother who insisted that she should not go into a nursing home, persuaded her to sign her name on something, thereby revoking the Lasting Power of Attorney that I had fixed with one of my sisters. Yes, it was the very same brother!

Anyway, we spent months and a fortune at the solicitors and finally ended up in Family Court, where the judge insisted that our mum should go to a nursing home Pronto.

Yes, that was probably my worst cleaning job. Interestingly I don't remember the smell, which was the main thing in a lot of the posts above, just the panic.
 
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We were making some elderberry ice cream once, screwed it up and accidentally separated the curds and whey. Decided not to waste it and made some butter. Best part of an Ice cream tub full. Left it in the back of the fridge for maybe a year where it went fully rancid. We put it on the kitchen surface and fucked off down the pub. Dog ate the whole lot. That wasn't a fun evening.
 
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jontz01 said:
We were making some elderberry ice cream once, screwed it up and accidentally separated the curds and whey. Decided not to waste it and made some butter. Best part of an Ice cream tub full. Left it in the back of the fridge for maybe a year where it went fully rancid. We put it on the kitchen surface and fucked off down the pub. Dog ate the whole lot. That wasn't a fun evening.
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Hope the dog was OK.

One dog we had ate a pound of frozen mince that was out to defrost, plastic bag and all, but I don't remember him suffering any ill effects. Presume he shat out the plastic bag a few days later.
 
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