Shittest recipe in an actual recipe book by a proper chef with a reputation, ever.

[bubblesmcgrath]

Nigella Lawson....Christmas turkey cooked with goose fat recipe.
Fucking disaster.
1. The temperature and her times were off.
2. Goosefat smoke everywhere within ten minutes of the turkey being put in the oven.
3. The turkey was ok...but all our teared up red eyes were not and the smoky smell lingered for a few days.
4. This was Christmas 2010...which if ye recall was extremely bitter with temperatures down to minus 18....leaving all the windows open to eliminate tge goosefat smoke was necessary.. .
5. Her recipe fucking ruined Christmas day....we were sat there frozen...eating a not great turkey...looking at each other with reddened eyes.

Nigella... you tit.

 

[Saffy]

Nigella again!
We soaked our turkey one Christmas after watching her Christmas TV show.
It was juicy and moist but didn't taste like turkey!

 

[UnderOpenSky]

I'm not sure that Xmas is a time for bold experiments, especially not with something as fundermental as the meat.

 

[campanula]

Scots, forgive me for this, but in my daughter's kitchen sits a copy of Scottish Cooking by a Scot (will find out exact details)...and truly, this is the most abysmal collection of horrible foods I have ever encountered...and I am a useless and reluctant cook but honestly, I would eat my own knee scabs in preference to just about any of the suggested 'recipes'.
And nope, it is not a parody.

 

[Orang Utan]

Whole Stuffed Camel Recipe - Food.com

 

[dessiato]

Courtesy Mrs D

18 Absolutely Ridiculous Recipes From The 1970s

There's some horrific stuff here.

 

[Artaxerxes]

Nigella again!
We soaked our turkey one Christmas after watching her Christmas TV show.
It was juicy and moist but didn't taste like turkey!

That's a plus surely?

 

[harpo]

Courtesy Mrs D

18 Absolutely Ridiculous Recipes From The 1970s

There's some horrific stuff here.

Hahaha, rice crispy stuffed sausages. Try putting that on the FEB thread.

 

[danny la rouge]

Ha ha ha! I'm actually laughing at that! That's fantastic!

 

[dessiato]

Another from Mrs D

20 Unholy Recipes: Dishes So Awful We Had to Make Them | Food Blog

 

[mrs quoad]

Courtesy Mrs D

18 Absolutely Ridiculous Recipes From The 1970s

There's some horrific stuff here.

These are LOL recipes from old people who probably looked like Reginald Perrin, and had dinner parties like those ones in Butterflies, and who didn't know what a Waldorf salad is / was. I very much doubt I would (contemporaneously) look at said books, and think 'oh, that looks like an interesting book filled with promise, written by someone of high contemporary repute.'

On which note, perhaps including the word 'ever' in the title was a mistake.

 

[Mrs Miggins]

Nigella again!
We soaked our turkey one Christmas after watching her Christmas TV show.
It was juicy and moist but didn't taste like turkey!

Reminds me of some twerp suggesting soaking pork chops overnight in brine. Yep they were very tender but they no longer tasted like pork chops. Horrible.

 

[ringo]

Nigella again - I did her Perfect Chocolate Cake for the littluns birthday one year. I don't know what or if I did it wrong but it didn't work properly and tasted grim. I went a bought one from a shop, quick.

The only bonus was that the littlun has ever since ridiculed any cake that claims to be perfect or flourless or sugarless or anything else that's meant to be in a cake, in favour of cakes that are made of cake.
So now we have cake cakes instead of shit cakes.

 

[bubblesmcgrath]

I'm not sure that Xmas is a time for bold experiments, especially not with something as fundermental as the meat.

Yes....we realised that....lol

 

[bubblesmcgrath]

Reminds me of some twerp suggesting soaking pork chops overnight in brine. Yep they were very tender but they no longer tasted like pork chops. Horrible.

Mind you.....a ham cooked in coca cola (yes I do realise it sounds truly horrendous) is fecking gorgeous....caramelised and deliciously tasty and still tastes like excellent ham...

 

[Shechemite]

I've eaten four packs of those Janie Oliver microwave lentil packs. Seem ok.

I've also masturbated a lot today and not left the house. So my standards are low today

 

[skyscraper101]

I had to edit a recipe book once. One of the dishes required a pound of water buffalo meat.

 

[Sue]

Courtesy Mrs D

18 Absolutely Ridiculous Recipes From The 1970s

There's some horrific stuff here.

Horrific is the word right enough . Feel sick just looking at that. (I'm still scarred by packet cheesecake and Vesta 'curry'.)

 

[bimble]

Doesn't Mrs Beeton, or is it Delia, have a how to boil water description?

I am the proud owner of this book and haven't yet mastered its principal recipe, stop taking the piss.

 

[Gromit]

Well, to be fair, lettuce olives and grapefruit was only EVER going to taste bitter and watery, wasn't it? "Oh, I know, I'll combine some bitter leaves, bitter fruits and a bitter citrus! I'm sure it won't taste like a bitter watery mess!".

Lettuce - booooring
Grapefruit - the worst fruit known to man
Olives - yuck

The only way to perfect that recipe would be to add some liquorice, parsnip and gin. Voila! Everything I hate in one dish.

 

[sojourner]

Absolutely everything ever produced by Worral Thompson. I used to watch aghast as he'd put together a reasonable dish, and then throw in something last minute which you KNEW was a fucking terrible mistake. Dickhead.

 

[Gromit]

Absolutely everything ever produced by Worral Thompson. I used to watch aghast as he'd put together a reasonable dish, and then throw in something last minute which you KNEW was a fucking terrible mistake. Dickhead.

The nicest meal I've ever eaten was at AWT's Notting Grill. Sadly closed now.

 

[skyscraper101]

Delia's "How To Cook" book pretty much starts off with 'How To Boil An Egg'

 

[Cheesypoof]

Nigella Lawson....Christmas turkey cooked with goose fat recipe.
Fucking disaster.
1. The temperature and her times were off.
2. Goosefat smoke everywhere within ten minutes of the turkey being put in the oven.
3. The turkey was ok...but all our teared up red eyes were not and the smoky smell lingered for a few days.
4. This was Christmas 2010...which if ye recall was extremely bitter with temperatures down to minus 18....leaving all the windows open to eliminate tge goosefat smoke was necessary.. .
5. Her recipe fucking ruined Christmas day....we were sat there frozen...eating a not great turkey...looking at each other with reddened eyes.

Nigella... you tit.

Not to be annoying, but she does usually point out that 'all ovens are different' and her recommendations for ovens are not prescriptive.

I'm sorry your turkey did not work out

 

[bubblesmcgrath]

Not to be annoying, but she does usually point out that 'all ovens are different' and her recommendations for ovens are not prescriptive.

I'm sorry your turkey did not work out

Lol.... thanks.....I've cooked plenty turkeys in the same oven...but her goosefat recipe won hands down for dramatic and stress filled day...

 

[Cheesypoof]

Lol.... thanks.....I've cooked plenty turkeys in the same oven...but her goosefat recipe won hands down for dramatic and stress filled day...

It sounds off from the start...goosefat sounds all wrong for turkey, too rich.

 

[bubblesmcgrath]

It sounds off from the start...goosefat sounds all wrong for turkey, too rich.

Yeah...in hindsight I should have twigged that...but I was trying something different.
It wont happen again...lol

 

[Vintage Paw]

View attachment 110142

Ha ha ha! I'm actually laughing at that! That's fantastic!

"I do think it's clever how this matches your curtains, Diane."

 

[danny la rouge]

"I do think it's clever how this matches your curtains, Diane."

Oh god, I'm only getting the carpet and curtains euphemism.

 

[danny la rouge]

"I love your carrot ring, Diane".

"Thanks, I get it dyed at Claudio's"