NEET - Kid is 22 and seriously unemployed

[AverageJoe]

Well that included a good 18+ months due to CoVID so not entirely down to him, He moved out straight out after Uni after finding a job away from home. He got made redundant when he was 25 (2015) which resulted in a) his landlord evicting him and b) his then girlfriend dumping him so he came home. The night he turned up it was pissing down with rain as well so he was a very pitiful sight when I opened the door. He wanted to find a job back down in London but found one locally instead and his sister fixed him up with one of her mates. They were in the process of buying a house of their own when the lurgy struck and the house sale fell through.
As for the OP I can't really offer any great advice, I didn't have this problem with mine fortunately and my heart goes out to newme. I think it's important to keep on at the lad be it along the lines of "What help do you need son?" or "Find a job or get out!"
I would say that just letting the matter slide is probably the worst approach since nothing is harder to get out of than a rut.

Whats nice is that you're obviously a good parent and will always make sure your children are safe with a roof over there heads.

But, and it's a difficult but, there has to be a time where you go "we're always here for you if things go wrong, but now it's time for you to go out into the world and make shit happen. And that includes paying bills, getting your own place and.... Adulting as much as you can."

I've got this to come. Mine are 13 and 15.

Its such a hard thing to balance so I know where you are all coming from, but there will be a resolve.

 

[newme]

Well that included a good 18+ months due to CoVID so not entirely down to him, He moved out straight out after Uni after finding a job away from home. He got made redundant when he was 25 (2015) which resulted in a) his landlord evicting him and b) his then girlfriend dumping him so he came home. The night he turned up it was pissing down with rain as well so he was a very pitiful sight when I opened the door. He wanted to find a job back down in London but found one locally instead and his sister fixed him up with one of her mates. They were in the process of buying a house of their own when the lurgy struck and the house sale fell through.
As for the OP I can't really offer any great advice, I didn't have this problem with mine fortunately and my heart goes out to newme. I think it's important to keep on at the lad be it along the lines of "What help do you need son?" or "Find a job or get out!"
I would say that just letting the matter slide is probably the worst approach since nothing is harder to get out of than a rut.

Yeh I mean I have been looking for work and frankly have been finding it for a number of people as a sort of side project since a lot is kinda adjacent or simple to relay a search result from. He does actually do well whenever placed somewhere but seems to be searching for some perfect job (I don't understand this concept) unless sort of forced there by the job centre or some scheme then he seems happier and does fine. Since I am looking myself there has been a lot of chances to go back and forth on training, apprenticeships, volunteering (did all three in the past 10 years). Seems to somehow want a not at home job but not all there so hybrid fine, but no motorised transport (bus won't get you anywhere here) no physical activity but fine to walk 4-5 miles to get there, not stuck at a desk cos of lots of typing (I have explained very few jobs require a lot of this, including all of mine and I hardly started at the top).
A couple of years back his sister moved out, he had the biggest room but was sort of sharing with his brother (still his the vast majority of the day and had done singly for years), they went to one each, now his sister is sharing since the idea had been younger child who had no room of his own til 10 maybe got a shot at the bigger one and to encourage big brother to consider why she didn't like the much smaller room (as he seemed baffled as to why she left, which was to be walking distance to work and fun stuff to do not some village). Thats all on hold now cos well new circumstances.
I went back home at idk 25 or something, it happens, just think there are a lot of scheme things that are easier to access when below 25 and he always agrees with me then does nothing tangible about it and it seems he is running out of time to take advantage of those.

Also whoever said about helping about that house that has been ramped up a lot recently due to more people in the house in general and sharing the time load, only have so many in the day. Tho finding the dishes are somehow still not washed properly after around 10 years of practice is ridiculous.

 

[muscovyduck]

I was on my own from a really early age (care leaver) and I hate to fucking say it but now in my late 20s most the "kids" who got this sort of ongoing support off their parents aren't adjusting to real adult life very well. It's depressing as fuck because I went through hell and back and it feels like there's no winning. This day and age either you can be traumatised, angry, and miss out on the basic things that make life worth living until you hit your 30s... or you turn into a right c***.

Dont want to be a crab in a bucket, I'm not saying "everyone should have it shit because I had it shit" but rather that the world is in a god awful state and a hell of a lot of people right now squander everything in their 20s because they don't know the worth of what they've got, and they're getting to the point where they've burnt all their bridges, isolated themselves, not realising how fucked they are if/when the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. There's always an excuse about how they can't handle this job or that job... you think anyone who works in a bar is predispositioned to working in a bar? Hell no!

A couple years ago, I had an engaged early/mid 20s friend message me to ask how to contact the local citizens advice. I said it's basically impossible and I only managed it by walking in at the one a county over and getting referred back, and even then that was because I can hit a load of vulnerable/marginalised pity points no one else can. I asked her what she needed help with. It turned out they'd been living rent free in her fiances' parents' home for years ON THEIR OWN and the dad had enough and was finally selling it. What she wanted to get from Citizens Advice? She figured there'd be "some sort of scheme" for her and her fiance, who were earning half of what I earn on my own, to get a help to buy mortgage to buy the house. The state their finances were in they wouldn't even be able to rent. That's how far removed from reality her, her fiance, and all their other friends were. But I had no idea until that conversation thats what was going on in her head. Literally right up until that point I assumed one of my closest friends for years had a basic grip on reality. I mean she's been close friends with me and seen what I've been through, right? And I keep seeing it happening with people in my generation who haven't left home for real (uni don't count), they're taking cues from their parents lives not realising what they think is their worst case scenario if they went on their own is potentially unachievable, even when they have other realistic examples provided to them in the form of friends and siblings

 

[rutabowa]

I did Community Service Volunteering for a year when I was 18 and it was great, you get placed in care home or similar somewhere in the uk and given a place to stay plus some money a week. They appear to have changed their name to For our community so not sure it is exactly the same deal but it def changed my life from being supported to totally independent.

edit: it seems to have changed quite a lot from what I did.

 

[Superdupastupor]

Volunteering saved my life, and everything positive that I have in my life now came from that.
Internationalist anarchist volunteers not god skuad, mind.
An access course?

 

[muscovyduck]

Context matters too tbh - I'd be a lot less worried about a rurally isolated NEET where life's slow paced anyway, theyre the ones who do seem to sort themselves out with no lasting harm, but by rurally isolated I mean like the Scottish Highlands or something, not Essex or whatever

 

[newme]

is he signing on? they will use some persuasion to get him in to a job or something. or have they already turfed him off the dole for not trying to get a job?

when i left school (at 16) you could sign on the dole at 16 then, but you couldn't get housing benefit if you were living with 'close family' (which probably led to some young people being turfed out and housing benefit ending up paying more for a private bedsit or whatever) - i've no idea how it works now it's all universal clusterfuck credit. (if we're getting in to personal stories, i was expected to make some contribution to household costs even when i was on the dole.)

if he's expecting to go on to disability benefits, he may be in for a shock if he's not already claimed - it's more a benefits denial system than anything else now, and the old concept of having a trade, and you would get benefits indefinitely if you were no longer fit to do that job has been ditched. if there's a remote chance you can do any sort of work then you're unlikely to get disability benefits for long if at all.

i'm not a parent so not sure i can offer many bright ideas.

Yeh he's been signing on, getting the occasional thing after they pretty much gave it to him, most goes to us to replace benefits we lost when he came out of education. Love to say its some big pot for when they leave and buy a house or something but at this point, not remotely the case. Also seems to unfairly reward the one who took advantage of very cheap rent? Suppose a split pot if the money was there, idk.
I know disability benefits are awful to deal with, my SO should probably claim full whack for various circumstances however it seems so fucking awful especially for anyone with mental health issues I just tried to work around it but we are approaching it being potentially necessary soon for pension contribution reasons, don't want to but well also don't want her to be stuck with no pension either for the future, or an inadequate one even compared to the basic anyway. Of course 'anecdotal and irrelevant example' of 'relative' seems to get it while I cannot understand why others in worse positions I know can't so its all a bit screwy and dependent on repeatedly applying, appealing, etc. At it's best, its still hardly something to want to be on if you are able capable which he is so long as the job turns up with no effort to gain.

 

[newme]

Volunteering saved my life, and everything positive that I have in my life now came from that.
Internationalist anarchist volunteers not god skuad, mind.
An access course?

Context matters too tbh - I'd be a lot less worried about a rurally isolated NEET where life's slow paced anyway, theyre the ones who do seem to sort themselves out with no lasting harm, but by rurally isolated I mean like the Scottish Highlands or something, not Essex or whatever

I volunteered for 3 months after requalifying and hitting the no experience barrier, got taken on for 10 months there paid, that got me to the next job in the council. 5 years of various roles there, another requalification (apprenticeship)and a lot of training and multiple job changes with big % changes got me to a place where I we could save something forward just soon if I am lucky. He also does have various specific charities he supports in some ways but it seems more ideological in a not very well paid sector that he is unfortunately not qualified for, has talked about college but as a sort of far off in the distance thing while ignoring any courses, training, apprenticeships and other things we discussed, found, etc over nearly 5 years now. Have suggested admin type things which come up at those but well Cornwall so its not the land of opportunity, why I thought wfh would work since comp and staying at home seemed to be his choice. Everything is a barrier, unless he fancies it, it comes off somewhat entitled which is confusing cos we have consistently had fuck all. We made the best of that for sure but this is not the home of excess and all of it required a lot of work.

 

[existentialist]

He got kicked out of college for attendance issues. Has so far decided retail, hospitality and warehousing are out from physical issues. So knowledge based but he 'doesn't like' remote customer service. Also seems to not be applying to apprenticeships, won't get a (paid for bike license and bike) so that's limiting in a very rural area.

GCSEs are all fine but nothing since. Mentioned law but well nothing here, won't consider moving outside the county. Seems his main forward looking ambition is managing to get on disability and do part time. He's worked in like 6 different roles and done fine til cut backs and last in first out was applied.

Has seriously restricted options to basically no jobs at all. Is not really the academic type but learning on the job with 1 day a week would work. He walked 5 miles last night but can't do stuff cos of his knee it seems. Likes IT but won't do remote level 1 stuff, I found a 50/50 role thar fits everything. Half fork lift, half IT and then a day at college. Didn't even apply. I'm running out of options here. He's very comfortable with living at home and having a lot of entertainment available. It just doesn't bode well for independence or future life so far.

I know it can be done. I did it but I also had more education and drive of kids and SO to get income for. He's seen me work the majority of his life. Idk what he is expecting. He can lift and move items and has a good brain but won't use it. Idk where to go from here. Gave him time but nothing seems to be a motivator. Any ideas? I'm all out of them.

I don't know quite where this post is going to go, but I'll figure it out as it happens.

The first thing I would say to you is this - step back. If you're on his case, get off his case.

Where he's at right now, he needs an ally, not a sergeant-major. Late adolescence is a very tricky time - fine if it's all going to plan, but a catastrophe if it isn't.

In your shoes, I'd probably be aiming to be tolerant of the apparent fuck-up he's making, but set a few boundaries. Don't force/expect him to go looking for the next step, but maybe set a time boundary - something like "OK, so this is a safe haven for you for the next 3/6/9 months. After that, I am expecting you to have started to sort out where you go from here."

On top of that, set some domestic boundaries. Since he's not studying or working, invite him to contribute to helping keep the household going. Agree certain things (I don't even want to call them "tasks" - this is about inviting him to co-operate with you in keeping things ticking along), set firm deadlines ("Hoovering happens by Thursday, before 6pm", "Get washing up done before it's time to make the supper/tea/dinner/wokefeast"). When the boundaries are breached, diplomatically remind him of what he agreed, but be non-punitive about how you hold those boundaries.

Be pissed off with him. Let him know if you are. But let him know, also, when he's cutting the snuff. Encouragement is key, here.

Free tip: when he pisses you off, don't start sentences about it with "You...". "I/I'm..." is a far better place to start from.

 

[newme]

I don't know quite where this post is going to go, but I'll figure it out as it happens.

The first thing I would say to you is this - step back. If you're on his case, get off his case.

Where he's at right now, he needs an ally, not a sergeant-major. Late adolescence is a very tricky time - fine if it's all going to plan, but a catastrophe if it isn't.

In your shoes, I'd probably be aiming to be tolerant of the apparent fuck-up he's making, but set a few boundaries. Don't force/expect him to go looking for the next step, but maybe set a time boundary - something like "OK, so this is a safe haven for you for the next 3/6/9 months. After that, I am expecting you to have started to sort out where you go from here."

On top of that, set some domestic boundaries. Since he's not studying or working, invite him to contribute to helping keep the household going. Agree certain things (I don't even want to call them "tasks" - this is about inviting him to co-operate with you in keeping things ticking along), set firm deadlines ("Hoovering happens by Thursday, before 6pm", "Get washing up done before it's time to make the supper/tea/dinner/wokefeast"). When the boundaries are breached, diplomatically remind him of what he agreed, but be non-punitive about how you hold those boundaries.

Be pissed off with him. Let him know if you are. But let him know, also, when he's cutting the snuff. Encouragement is key, here.

Free tip: when he pisses you off, don't start sentences about it with "You...". "I/I'm..." is a far better place to start from.

Idk where mine was going its just been 5 years and I saw a thing about NEET and went fuck thats him.
We have been through all phases listed above over the course of a year, about 5 times or so. Did not punish him for leaving education, went lets go proactive and see whats there, nothing happened. Tried helping, nothing happened. Eventually some placement thing happened involuntarily to him, worked well for some time then came to an end, turned out they fucked up a kickstart scheme but whatever, move on.

My dad was very much the sergeant Major, also technically a boomer but had kept with the times in everything but how job applications work. I got sent round several towns with CVs when it was just too late for that. His mum hasn't worked for health reasons so its a one person show in demonstrating this and his male biological person worked off the books for years to avoid child support so...

Idea was leave it a year from daughter leaving, switch rooms so he had the one she had, her reappearance while welcome in many many ways has disrupted this. He has to his credit made a lot of effort to reorganised everything to accommodate her there, considering its 2 x 20+ year olds sharing a bedroom even if the largest on bunk beds, tho I delayed the mattress delivery as she is happy downstairs in the giant beanbag and he had this as a shock but just spent all night when he found out sorting out so they could share. Heart of gold, shame it doesn't pay well. Seems he may be someone within a protected characteristic and maybe I am getting it wrong by saying he but I have received no instruction or hint to change anything and my FIL's child is NB which was discussed openly so as not to get pronouns wrong.

I always try to use examples of tight spots I was in, benefits of any training received, my mums set some unusual record as a first qualified in country adult teacher for maths and english in a foreign language (or similar idk the title) example so I had a boost in that. More particularly as she had also completed a degree in maths and loved to read so I had that. My dad was a brilliant man but less so of a father for the majority of my childhood. Daughter calls me dad and has done for ages, he calls me "firstname" their choice, don't care either way. Both wanted to take my second name when we had third child so we got 3 surnames down to one. Their sort of proposal to me I guess? We are not entirely a traditional family but then who is and what the hell does that mean lol. Jetsons?

It is also complicated that we know both of us were doing horrendously worse activities (legally) than they ever are likely to, put together and divided by us both, maybe even more times then that.

 

[newme]

I was on my own from a really early age (care leaver) and I hate to fucking say it but now in my late 20s most the "kids" who got this sort of ongoing support off their parents aren't adjusting to real adult life very well. It's depressing as fuck because I went through hell and back and it feels like there's no winning. This day and age either you can be traumatised, angry, and miss out on the basic things that make life worth living until you hit your 30s... or you turn into a right c***.

Dont want to be a crab in a bucket, I'm not saying "everyone should have it shit because I had it shit" but rather that the world is in a god awful state and a hell of a lot of people right now squander everything in their 20s because they don't know the worth of what they've got, and they're getting to the point where they've burnt all their bridges, isolated themselves, not realising how fucked they are if/when the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. There's always an excuse about how they can't handle this job or that job... you think anyone who works in a bar is predispositioned to working in a bar? Hell no!

A couple years ago, I had an engaged early/mid 20s friend message me to ask how to contact the local citizens advice. I said it's basically impossible and I only managed it by walking in at the one a county over and getting referred back, and even then that was because I can hit a load of vulnerable/marginalised pity points no one else can. I asked her what she needed help with. It turned out they'd been living rent free in her fiances' parents' home for years ON THEIR OWN and the dad had enough and was finally selling it. What she wanted to get from Citizens Advice? She figured there'd be "some sort of scheme" for her and her fiance, who were earning half of what I earn on my own, to get a help to buy mortgage to buy the house. The state their finances were in they wouldn't even be able to rent. That's how far removed from reality her, her fiance, and all their other friends were. But I had no idea until that conversation thats what was going on in her head. Literally right up until that point I assumed one of my closest friends for years had a basic grip on reality. I mean she's been close friends with me and seen what I've been through, right? And I keep seeing it happening with people in my generation who haven't left home for real (uni don't count), they're taking cues from their parents lives not realising what they think is their worst case scenario if they went on their own is potentially unachievable, even when they have other realistic examples provided to them in the form of friends and siblings

May not have said before but the support is basically you have a room, food and household stuff to do, rent is most of your UC or whatever. So incentives for work are insanely high at a NMW level, my daughter saved up a massive amount very quickly and left, it went wrong after a few years but not for any reason that was really down to her at all.

I am a massive Pratchett fan and also a massive whatever else fan cos of general size lol, but well I know the metaphor very well. Enough crabs tip the bucket over if they try and all of them can but they won't, unfortunately he seems to be sat at the bottom ensuring the bucket stays solid, support helps everyone, if I find a union I can join I will do lol. Some people live lifes without having to think about where what comes from and who pays for what. It is statistically irrelevant enough to ignore. I obviously encourage further learning and well life time learning really, the bacon dude from Parks and Rec seems like one political affiliation, read any of his books to see its the opposite. Nick Offerman thats the one, goes through shit and turns up smelling academy awards and not glue any more. I think some people have a odd crossover from what they read/or didn't, saw, heard, etc. And reality they missed. I like the Nordic model but cannot impose it so work with what we have, can't tip the bucket over? Wheres the water so we can all get to the surface

 

[xenon]

I would say that if he’s not working he should at least be doing something productive or useful for the household each day eg mowing lawn, cooking whatever

Or volunteering. Basically get out the fucking house. it’s easy to get into a rut.

 

[newme]

Or volunteering. Basically get out the fucking house. it’s easy to get into a rut.

Yup suggested. volunteering, go see mates, go do anything at all outside the house, take the dog for a walk, go explore the AONB we live in. Barely much effort, its frustrating. There is the simpsons meme of we tried nothing and are all out of ideas, we tried everything apart from kicking him out (cos well there are limits) and still no results, idk where you go from here. He went out last night, a hours walk, bus, train and walk were apparently fine, but getting a lift 10 mins away was somehow too much effort. Same as expanding transport options for free.

 

[Puddy_Tat]

Yeh he's been signing on

in which case it's probably worth being sure he knows the DWP will sanction him off benefits if he gives them the slightest chance to say he's not making an effort / enough of an effort to find a job, or if he turns an interview or job offer down without whatever they consider to be a good reason.

another plus for volunteering (if that's not going to bugger up his benefits - better to ask them first) is it's a potential reference and looks better on an application / CV than 'unemployed'

some voluntary sector organisations are happy for people to come along while they are looking for work, some won't if it's a role that's going to require them to put an investment of time in training someone.

i'm too out of touch with it all to know what the rules are round being on the dole now, and how much of it depends what mood the 'job coach' (or whatever they call them this week) is in that day.

 

[xenon]

probably has to be framed as broaden horizons just get out and do something. Speaking as someone with no kids. But experience of the toxic nature of inertia. helping out around the house, doing something constructive, all good suggestions. build some self-worth through being engaged in something. That will probably improve the approach to applying for jobs. I don’t know maybe he’s just lazy and needsa kick up the arse. I’m just brain farting.

 

[newme]

in which case it's probably worth being sure he knows the DWP will sanction him off benefits if he gives them the slightest chance to say he's not making an effort / enough of an effort to find a job, or if he turns an interview or job offer down without whatever they consider to be a good reason.

another plus for volunteering (if that's not going to bugger up his benefits - better to ask them first) is it's a potential reference and looks better on an application / CV than 'unemployed'

some voluntary sector organisations are happy for people to come along while they are looking for work, some won't if it's a role that's going to require them to put an investment of time in training someone.

i'm too out of touch with it all to know what the rules are round being on the dole now, and how much of it depends what mood the 'job coach' (or whatever they call them this week) is in that day.

A lot is did you apply to x number of jobs, hit that and you are golden, well more like tarnished bronze now but still. It means you are ok. I actually like the non fucking people over approach of this but he is running out of time to make the most of schemes. I could russle up 50 job opportunities tomorrow that hit every target he wanted and unfortunately I think he would maybe apply for the 4 least likely. Always very encouraging but it isn't getting him anywhere.

 

[newme]

probably has to be framed as broaden horizons just get out and do something. Speaking as someone with no kids. But experience of the toxic nature of inertia. helping out around the house, doing something constructive, all good suggestions. build some self-worth through being engaged in something. That will probably improve the approach to applying for jobs. I don’t know maybe he’s just lazy and needsa kick up the arse. I’m just brain farting.

brain farting is always useful when someone else is without even a mild parp. He does washing up, washing, taking dog out, clearing up, will take care of younger child etc. But ask him to apply somewhere and it is like you grew 9 heads and asked him to pick which is real.

 

[xenon]

Yup suggested. volunteering, go see mates, go do anything at all outside the house, take the dog for a walk, go explore the AONB we live in. Barely much effort, its frustrating. There is the simpsons meme of we tried nothing and are all out of ideas, we tried everything apart from kicking him out (cos well there are limits) and still no results, idk where you go from here. He went out last night, a hours walk, bus, train and walk were apparently fine, but getting a lift 10 mins away was somehow too much effort. Same as expanding transport options for free.

I hear you man. It is difficult while I can imagine. On the one hand you don’t wanna be that authoritarian about it but the other hand if it’s just easy coasting along for him, why would he change.

 

[newme]

I hear you man. It is difficult while I can imagine. On the one hand you don’t wanna be that authoritarian about it but the other hand if it’s just easy coasting along for him, why would he change.

Yeh the move to smaller room so you don't have the biggest one seemed sensible and we set a target on that (and less of a pain in the ass than switching 3 around) not getting quite so much of an easy life since he always had the bigger room wherever they were. Daughter had to come back now so that kinda went sideways but shes already at a job interview at the moment (chef so kinda simple to find anything, of course that did require her to complete the training and she worked from 16 while also at College tho so not taking anything away from her on that).

When he did have work he of course went and bought all the things you would expect, now with a giant TV, watch, phone, games systems, racing chair and a very stocked house for everything else. It is a bit too comfy, I know I did some of the same but then I was mainly using my mums place as a crash pad around getting out and doing things plus I took the motorbike asap and then whatever job for going out money. Unfortunately now with mates moving away having happened a few years back and the rest moving on or in with people he has less chances to do that and frankly I was going to another county for better nightlife most of the time with a bunch of us. Not his thing but also seems rather reluctant to find something that isn't mostly online gaming. I certainly did plenty of that with mates but it was lets all go to x house cos they have y or drag stuff around for LAN parties or whatever. Now couch multiplayer is basically dead and its actually easier to play against people when not leaving the house. Lets go play at whoevers house has less of an appeal when you can just click go and be playing with mates from the US, London, etc.

Had hoped daughter moving out would have had him see the benefits since she was in town, could walk to work and all the many more things that are not in a sleepy little village (even if its just like 6 miles down the road thats a fair distance to walk and the buses are inconsistent and timed awfully for anything at all). Unfortunately it just meant his room was now effectively larger since youngest took the other room after we decorated it since we finally had a blank canvas. In fairness when she was coming back he spent days making space for all her stuff, assembled a bunk bed had moved the whole room around, sorted a desk for her, setup dual monitors for her laptop and cleared out a whole load of stuff without really being asked. When I was working and we had a massive IKEA order come in before he was right on that too and setup shelving units, desks, etc quite happily. We did have a project to redo the flooring in there but with the extra stuff its bursting. I have a project with the shed to do and hes already volunteered for that, just need to actually be able to afford it. Which is kinda confusing where he can't lift up x item cos of his hands or carry or walk or whatever then next minute hes shifting furniture and walking 5 miles to go see someone but he can't do this stuff in a shop or whatever. Yet at LIDL for example he seemed to be doing great, had somehow made friends with half the staff within about a week until some idiot gave all the new starters the wrong info and 4 of them got sacked the same day for not following some policy cos they were told wrong. That person was fired too which does seem weird they trained new starters wrong who then get the blame for doing what they were told...

He's at the job centre today, they seem to be well, about as useful as you would expect, they put me on some financial literacy course before when I was signed on. Of course I had studied accountancy for 3 years and ended up helping the instructor as a sort of TA. They also sent him on a kickstarter scheme before and that lasted 6 months til the funding ran out and it seems they failed to deliver on the learning part of it..... can't think why the funding ran out. Do have some people I know in the council who worked on these kind of projects but is that interfering too much? He always just agrees and then nothing happens but if they reach out to him then who knows? We tried to break down what jobs were left after all his restrictions were applied but that mostly left things he wasn't qualified for or basic admin, nothing wrong with that and how I started but if he is applying then there are no results coming.

 

[pbsmooth]

Seems his main forward looking ambition is managing to get on disability and do part time.

how sad. for life?
what's his disability?
sounds like home life is too cushy - stop giving him money and/or give him some ultimatums re: working to get your support.

 

[Boris Sprinkler]

I have little to no qualifications. My stepfather was gracious enough to let me use his printer. At 18 I would print off 20 copies of my cv a day and physically hand them to people until I had a job. Then when I had a job he kicked me out.
That worked.

 

[ice-is-forming]

How does he feel about not reaching the milestones you're expecting of him.

Does he care.
Does he feels shame
Guilt
Have you considered that your goals aren't his goals.
Does he need support to figure out his own goals
What's his disability
He's only 20
If you've been on his back for 5 years and it's not going in the direction you want.. then I think maybe you need to look at your expectations as well as do some exploring of his world views and beliefs.

Sometimes it's not just about the thing someone is doing, it's the purpose, place, timing or value etc . attached to that thing. so maybe he can walk 5 miles to see friends, but can't stand up at work( for example) so it's not about the standing is it...

If he wanted what you wanted I'm sure if he had capacity he'd be achieving it by now. But he's not is he, but still... if you take out all the things he can't do, you're still left with a load of really lovely qualities and strengths.. maybe focus on supporting him to do more of those things, rather than focus on doing less of the things you don't agree with .

There's a good employment model called customised employment, it may be worth you learning about it.

Just some thoughts anyway you talk about him as if he's broken and needs fixing some way.

 

[bellaozzydog]

My daughter has been in continuous employment since she lied about her age when she started in Salisbury's in Lewisham at the age of 13.

Her manager there held her in such regard, that he phoned the manager of the Livingston shop, and she had a job to go into when we moved up here.

You must be very proud, well done you

 

[Puddy_Tat]

just a thought - is he aware of the national careers service?

back when i left school, the careers service was part of the local education authority (can't remember now if that was just before or just after the old inner london education authority got abolished) - but it was only open to people within the first few years after leaving school (i can't remember what their upper age limit was but there was one.)

but it's now open to all ages.

from what i gather, it's franchised by area and private sector providers that are variable, but may be worth a look.

 

[Sasaferrato]

You must be very proud, well done you

I am proud of what she has achieved in life, but it is entirely through her own efforts, not mine.

Well, saying that, the reason she went seeking her first job (1988) was because I refused to buy her a £65.00 pair of orange Kickers boots.

 

[Thora]

I am proud of what she has achieved in life, but it is entirely through her own efforts, not mine.

Well, saying that, the reason she went seeking her first job (1988) was because I refused to buy her a £65.00 pair of orange Kickers boots.

Why did you think this particular thread was the one to share that on though

 

[Sasaferrato]

Why did you think this particular thread was the one to share that on though

Obviously not...

 

[Shippou-Sensei]

I was unemployed for about 3 years after Uni.
In the end I fell into a teaching career after getting some work at a place I was sent as part of job centre training.

Those 3 years felt wierd. I wasn't sure what to do. Worked up in the end.

 

[Petcha]

I was kicked out of home and school when I was 14. Got my first job a few days later (in a supermarket bakery). Then a better job being an usher in an opera house then a job then as a typist in a govt department. Oh and got a flat and was head tenant with a few other older friends, paying all the bills etc. Before the age of 16. I'm not saying this was all a great experience and has scars but fucking hell you have to think on your feet.

I have a young son of my own (7) and I would never do what my father did to me but I definitely had to hit the ground running and got a head start on the rest of the world, whether I liked it or not. I don't know where I'm going with this as I would do everything in my power to look after my boy. But it's another way to look at it. He's 20. Before you know it he'll be 25. Bit of tough love?

 

[lazythursday]

I was kicked out of home and school when I was 14. Got my first job a few days later (in a supermarket bakery). Then a better job being an usher in an opera house then a job then as a typist in a govt department. Oh and got a flat and was head tenant with a few other older friends, paying all the bills etc. Before the age of 16. I'm not saying this was all a great experience and has scars but fucking hell you have to think on your feet.

I have a young son of my own (7) and I would never do what my father did to me but I definitely had to hit the ground running and got a head start on the rest of the world, whether I liked it or not. I don't know where I'm going with this as I would do everything in my power to look after my boy. But it's another way to look at it. He's 20. Before you know it he'll be 25. Bit of tough love?

The enormous difference now is the cost of housing. Fending for yourself on low wages is far harder than it was when I was 22 (when I had a two bed council flat to myself in Manchester, and then a housing co-op place in dirt cheap short life housing in Hackney). It's a different world and 'tough love' could have far worse consequences.

Plus to be honest if my parents had tried 'tough love' I'd have probably never spoken to them again.