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NEET - Kid is 22 and seriously unemployed

newme

newme

Giant in Pastyland now
He got kicked out of college for attendance issues. Has so far decided retail, hospitality and warehousing are out from physical issues. So knowledge based but he 'doesn't like' remote customer service. Also seems to not be applying to apprenticeships, won't get a (paid for bike license and bike) so that's limiting in a very rural area.

GCSEs are all fine but nothing since. Mentioned law but well nothing here, won't consider moving outside the county. Seems his main forward looking ambition is managing to get on disability and do part time. He's worked in like 6 different roles and done fine til cut backs and last in first out was applied.

Has seriously restricted options to basically no jobs at all. Is not really the academic type but learning on the job with 1 day a week would work. He walked 5 miles last night but can't do stuff cos of his knee it seems. Likes IT but won't do remote level 1 stuff, I found a 50/50 role thar fits everything. Half fork lift, half IT and then a day at college. Didn't even apply. I'm running out of options here. He's very comfortable with living at home and having a lot of entertainment available. It just doesn't bode well for independence or future life so far.

I know it can be done. I did it but I also had more education and drive of kids and SO to get income for. He's seen me work the majority of his life. Idk what he is expecting. He can lift and move items and has a good brain but won't use it. Idk where to go from here. Gave him time but nothing seems to be a motivator. Any ideas? I'm all out of them.
 
I had to pay rent to my parents when I finished 6th form college, it wasn't a lot but a nominal amount so I was contributing.
I mean I moved out at 19 but it was more feasible then, I think youngsters these days are more likely to (have to) live with their parents for a longer time - but as Thora says, if not in full time education they need to contribute to the household.
 
He's not a kid, he's 22 and an adult. Support him sure but you need to stop doing things for him. In fact, you need to lay down the law a bit.

Tell him he's got three months to get his act together. He'll then be expected to a) pay x amount in rent or b) move out. Then leave him to it but make sure you follow through in three months.

Oh and in the meantime, be clear about the household chores you expect him to do.
 
I have a male relative who was quite successful in the army. On leaving he initially became self employed but couldn't really make a success of it. Now he works, recently he had three jobs on the go at the same time working Monday to Saturday. He has had many and various jobs in the last few years, changing one for another if the terms are better or there is better job security.

If you argued with him that there weren't decent jobs out there you would get short shrift, he is out there putting himself about and looking - he finds lots of jobs.
 
No kids so no parental advice but I do remember what it was like aged 22 on the dole with very little idea about what I wanted to do (and happily spending my time smoking weed with my head in the sand). He's probably lacking confidence, direction, may have / be developing mental health issues. I would insist he does some volunteering - there are loads of options out there and its a way of trying out different types of work and getting out of the house and meeting people. Often it leads to work - and not necessarily through the charity itself but through making more connections with people etc and learning about opportunities.

If you've got the Princes Trust TEAM programme near you, I'd really recommend that as a way of trying some new things and basically giving yourself a kick up the arse: Boost your confidence with Team | Get a job (ignore the Prince Charles connection - generally its delivered by a local charity who has nothing to do with the Princes Trust itself - I've seen young people massively benefit from taking part in this)
 
My daughter has been in continuous employment since she lied about her age when she started in Salisbury's in Lewisham at the age of 13.

Her manager there held her in such regard, that he phoned the manager of the Livingston shop, and she had a job to go into when we moved up here.
 
Motivation is something you come to by yourself, not something that can be enforced by others.

You mention his health but have you thought about his mental health? I got stuck at home for a year or so after university, with parents or sofa surfing around friends' places. I wasn't well, I was chronically depressed and hopeless and felt like there would never be a place in the world for me. I had to get through that before I could take a positive step. Or rather, taking positive steps got me out of it but only because I chose them for myself.

I know I must have pissed my family and friends off a lot during that time. But I don't recall one of them ever leaning in and asking if I was OK.

Also that was a while ago now. Life's less forgiving for young people than it was back when I was one of them. Finding jobs and places to live has become an obstacle course of inhuman shit. This probably isn't turning into a very helpful post is it. Here's some advice then. I can well understand that you're frustrated, annoyed, worried. But try and find ways to have, and show, a bit of faith in your son. He's clearly got a caring family behind him and that counts for a lot. Might take him a while to find his feet but he'll get there.
 
SpookyFrank said:
Motivation is something you come to by yourself, not something that can be enforced by others.

You mention his health but have you thought about his mental health? I got stuck at home for a year or so after university, with parents or sofa surfing around friends' places. I wasn't well, I was chronically depressed and hopeless and felt like there would never be a place in the world for me. I had to get through that before I could take a positive step. Or rather, taking positive steps got me out of it but only because I chose them for myself.

I know I must have pissed my family and friends off a lot during that time. But I don't recall one of them ever leaning in and asking if I was OK.

Also that was a while ago now. Life's less forgiving for young people than it was back when I was one of them. Finding jobs and places to live has become an obstacle course of inhuman shit. This probably isn't turning into a very helpful post is it. Here's some advice then. I can well understand that you're frustrated, annoyed, worried. But try and find ways to have, and show, a bit of faith in your son. He's clearly got a caring family behind him and that counts for a lot. Might take him a while to find his feet but he'll get there.
Click to expand...

This also - I mean as a middle-aged person, I'm currently in a rut in terms of mental health issues, feeling stuck, trouble finding work, I've never known "what I want to do" - like that's all there is in life, physical issues also - it affects younger people too.
I think the suggestion earlier in the thread to see if he will do any volunteering is an excellent one - it gets one out of the house, meeting people, getting new skills or experience, perhaps finding new interests, and maybe if lucky making connections that could lead to paid work.
Also in adult relationships (whether spousal, or other types of relationship that involve living in the same space) it's fairly normal if one person is not working for them to take on a bigger share of household chores - I mean I'm not working so I do all the cooking and most of the cleaning, it may sound a bit '50s housewife-ish, but gender shouldn't be a factor - if he can't contribute financially then he can do some work around the house or in the garden or do some cooking by way of contribution.
 
Probably the best thing you can do for your daughter is to model healthy boundaries while you support her.
 
is he signing on? they will use some persuasion to get him in to a job or something. or have they already turfed him off the dole for not trying to get a job?

when i left school (at 16) you could sign on the dole at 16 then, but you couldn't get housing benefit if you were living with 'close family' (which probably led to some young people being turfed out and housing benefit ending up paying more for a private bedsit or whatever) - i've no idea how it works now it's all universal clusterfuck credit. (if we're getting in to personal stories, i was expected to make some contribution to household costs even when i was on the dole.)

if he's expecting to go on to disability benefits, he may be in for a shock if he's not already claimed - it's more a benefits denial system than anything else now, and the old concept of having a trade, and you would get benefits indefinitely if you were no longer fit to do that job has been ditched. if there's a remote chance you can do any sort of work then you're unlikely to get disability benefits for long if at all.

i'm not a parent so not sure i can offer many bright ideas.
 
wtfftw said:
He's not your kid?
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Well biologically no but his dad fucked off when he was about 3 after cheating and finding that went down poorly, I was around the vast majority of the time after this
wtfftw said:
Probably the best thing you can do for your daughter is to model healthy boundaries while you support her.
Click to expand...
My daughter is also not biologically related however I have been around since she was around 1, tbh I keep thinking quite how healthy a relationship she is seeing between the two parents in the house is lol and the contact with her ex has now officially ended and everything moved back to here, she has a job interview tomorrow as do I. We do also have another son who is biologically related which may have come up in parenting bits especially if it involved a rubix cube.
 
Epona said:
I had to pay rent to my parents when I finished 6th form college, it wasn't a lot but a nominal amount so I was contributing.
I mean I moved out at 19 but it was more feasible then, I think youngsters these days are more likely to (have to) live with their parents for a longer time - but as Thora says, if not in full time education they need to contribute to the household.
Click to expand...
This did occur when they left education, out of necessity frankly. We lost x amount cos they were no longer on claims, we were getting by but with that included, thats what they paid. It is covered by JSA/UC/etc entirely however so there is money left over for phone contracts and not being stuck there with nothing. That still doesn't stretch that far tho and we have not re-evaluated the amount since the first one paid it some years ago, obviously includes everything and also lifts for anything job related, plus a fund for both for CBT, motorbike and first years insurance. When daughter moved out it was about half of a single room in a HMO of 6 nearer to town/jobs which obviously didn't include food or lifts.
 
newme said:
Well biologically no but his dad fucked off when he was about 3 after cheating and finding that went down poorly, I was around the vast majority of the time after this

My daughter is also not biologically related however I have been around since she was around 1, tbh I keep thinking quite how healthy a relationship she is seeing between the two parents in the house is lol and the contact with her ex has now officially ended and everything moved back to here, she has a job interview tomorrow as do I. We do also have another son who is biologically related which may have come up in parenting bits especially if it involved a rubix cube.
Click to expand...
Fair enough. Crossed wires. Thought this was about your daughter's ex again.
 
I have to say that I got charged rent when I stayed at home in holidays as a student, and it was always made excessively clear that I needed to get a job and pay my own way and ideally live on my own, and various other similar things - and I'm sure that was all done with the best intentions, but it's contributed to a lifelong feeling that basically my family basically don't give much of a shit about me which even now in middle age I really can't argue with.
 
AverageJoe said:
7 years! You're a patient man Micki
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Well that included a good 18+ months due to CoVID so not entirely down to him, He moved out straight out after Uni after finding a job away from home. He got made redundant when he was 25 (2015) which resulted in a) his landlord evicting him and b) his then girlfriend dumping him so he came home. The night he turned up it was pissing down with rain as well so he was a very pitiful sight when I opened the door. He wanted to find a job back down in London but found one locally instead and his sister fixed him up with one of her mates. They were in the process of buying a house of their own when the lurgy struck and the house sale fell through.
As for the OP I can't really offer any great advice, I didn't have this problem with mine fortunately and my heart goes out to newme. I think it's important to keep on at the lad be it along the lines of "What help do you need son?" or "Find a job or get out!"
I would say that just letting the matter slide is probably the worst approach since nothing is harder to get out of than a rut.
 
Due to being neurodivergent and also having genetic physical issues, I've always needed help and support from my parents, so I'm not going to be too harsh in terms of suggestions for a young man who seems to be struggling a bit to find his feet.
Helping out more at home and paying a nominal amount of rent (if he can access benefits) would seem to be a reasonable start however.
 
Epona said:
Due to being neurodivergent and also having genetic physical issues, I've always needed help and support from my parents, so I'm not going to be too harsh in terms of suggestions for a young man who seems to be struggling a bit to find his feet.
Helping out more at home and paying a nominal amount of rent (if he can access benefits) would seem to be a reasonable start however.
Click to expand...
When I was on benefits my Mum expected me to hand the bulk of it over bar a token sum, when I was working she only charged me a token rent and allowed me to keep most of what I earned which was definitely a motivation to find a job and stay in work.
 
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