Housing for gfs friend outstaying welcome

[AnnO'Neemus]

N has not registered address at gfs flat. We're not sure which address she uses for official correspondence.

Complicated situation: gf is a tenant not able to meet the salary requirements for the tenancy as she freelances. Her ex (sons father) is on the tenancy agreement. For this reason gf isn't able to claim SP CT discount and this also puts her at a disadvantage by not being eligible for CB.
N is aware of the situation and mentioned the contract yesterday when we were discussing her own living situation.

But thanks for that, that couldve been a silver bullet in normal circumstances.

What do you mean, N mentioned the contract when you were discussion her situation? Like, as in N realised and appreciated that gf was in a tricky financial situation and was worse off than she might otherwise be...? If she knows all that, then why hasn't she offered to contribute financially?

Btw, I think your gf should get some benefits advice from Citizen's Advice or a law centre or Gingerbread or Shelter or something. I think it's perhaps more common than your gf realises, ie couple's split up but one of them remains on the tenancy agreement despite not living there. She might still be entitled to single person discount for Council Tax if she's living there by herself (another good reason to get rid of 'friend'.) It's always a good idea to get a benefits check-up from an independent welfare rights advisor.

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

I mean you say that but I'd hate to be in this situation. Living in someones front room in a one bed flat with a kid sounds like hell.

Well, 'friend' obviously doesn't think it's hell, she obviously thinks it's worth her while, given that paying no rent or bills means that all her earnings from her part-time job are effectively her disposable income, which means she's living the good life, free to travel to the US and Sweden multiple times.

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

N has absolutely no realistic hope of Council accommodation.

Your GF should put the needs of her child first - that is her job as a parent. This is no life for him - he is who she should be prioritising.

So N needs to go - end of.

Your GF must be prepared to lose this ‘friendship’ for the sake of her son.

It's 99.9 per cent certain that this 'friend' will ghost the gf once her gravy train has hit the buffers.

 

[persimmon]

CFS is a very real thing and sleeping until noon ("waking as early as noon?" a part of me says) absolutely 100% fits - but that still doesn't mean it's your gf's job to look after her, or the kid should give up space to play in order for her to sleep.
Her expectation of being housed by your gf is unreasonable without questioning whether CFS is a thing or criticising the sleep patterns of people who suffer from fatigue.

I agree. CFS is a thing and could well be her thing but if she doesn't have a formal diagnosis then she isn't in a position to get the support she needs. I have a family member with it who has been supported by the state her entire life. My own condition POTS so can relate to some of the symptoms. I don't know much about disability benefits/housing support or how it assessed. She is working 20 hours per week in a physically demanding job and carrying out a research project on top of that. A doctor writes a letter which lists symptoms and not a chronic condition and that doesn't seem enough to help her a priority for housing.

The living situation is probably not helping her condition - having no fixed abode over two years and sleeping in a living room, working lates and staying out late to work on her own projects. Travelling between countries must be tiring for someone with CFS. She looks very underweight. She understands that she needs her own space and accomodation and the way she is trying to attain this is is by shutting off the only realistic possibility of that at the moment, which is having to pay rent somewhere in a house share and lose that disposable income or live with family in Sweden, who I understand would have space for her if needed.

When my gf met N, only a few years ago, N was living in private-rented accommodation and supporting herself.

 

[bellaozzydog]

Has anyone mentioned changing the locks and black bagging her gear (to pick up) if she doesn’t get the message and fuck off

 

[persimmon]

It's 99.9 per cent certain that this 'friend' will ghost the gf once her gravy train has hit the buffers.

That is an issue for my gf who has RSD and the situation could trigger her. She put her foot down and ended the relationship as host last year and it didn't cause any issues then which is a good sign. After a few months they reverted back to the arrangement which is cause for concern.

She will need to be strong and I will have to support her in this. I'm pretty sure her real friends would give her similar advise to the above if they knew about her living situation (many of them live overseas)

 

[persimmon]

What do you mean, N mentioned the contract when you were discussion her situation? Like, as in N realised and appreciated that gf was in a tricky financial situation and was worse off than she might otherwise be...? If she knows all that, then why hasn't she offered to contribute financially?

Btw, I think your gf should get some benefits advice from Citizen's Advice or a law centre or Gingerbread or Shelter or something. I think it's perhaps more common than your gf realises, ie couple's split up but one of them remains on the tenancy agreement despite not living there. She might still be entitled to single person discount for Council Tax if she's living there by herself (another good reason to get rid of 'friend'.) It's always a good idea to get a benefits check-up from an independent welfare rights advisor.

Yes, she is fully aware of my gfs circumstances and N did mention the contract situation in discussion. I took that as her indicating "hey, look, it's not easy as a single person to find accomodation in London" which is true but her situation as a parent is completely different. N may not be earning enough to meet the salary requirements for a flat while working part-time but house share ?

From how N talks about my gf I think she is probably is deluded enough to think that she is doing my gf a favour by staying there and being so generous with her company, buying the odd tin of biscuits and washing up once a week.

Thanks for the tips - as some have mentioned on here it's probably best not to risk doing anything that could violate the terms of a contract and vice versa etc but will consider the advise route.

 

[shakespearegirl]

I had a friend like this years ago. Saving up to go travelling and had to move out of her flat so asked if she could sofa surf for a couple of weeks. 6 months later was still there, never offered any money, ate all my food, drank all my booze… literally had to kick her out, cue massive fight where I was accused of being privileged for owning a flat.. Said the girl whose parents had paid her way through uni and bought a flat for her and her brother in NZ which they’d rented out whilst travelling… from what I hear she’s still a piss taking drama queen at nearly 50!

 

[Riklet]

Your GF is the real issue here tbh. And now you are getting involved rather than her just managing it herself.

Yes N is a pain in the arse clearly, even if she's a good person with her own difficulties. CFS can present differently and just because she is working and travelling doesnt mean she isnt struggling. But she is exploiting the situation for her own gain. Worse than this however, your GF is allowing herself to be exploited rather than prioritising herself and her child.

Seriously TWO YEARS of this?? It's up to your GF to take responsibility and sort this mess out. My advice - don't get too involved or tell her what to do, it will end badly especially if she loses a friend.

 

[pbsmooth]

Why do people live like this? Tell her to leave ASAP. Quite simple.

 

[Epona]

Your GF is the real issue here tbh. And now you are getting involved rather than her just managing it herself.

Yes N is a pain in the arse clearly, even if she's a good person with her own difficulties. CFS can present differently and just because she is working and travelling doesnt mean she isnt struggling. But she is exploiting the situation for her own gain. Worse than this however, your GF is allowing herself to be exploited rather than prioritising herself and her child.

Seriously TWO YEARS of this?? It's up to your GF to take responsibility and sort this mess out. My advice - don't get too involved or tell her what to do, it will end badly especially if she loses a friend.

I think yes if OP doesn't live with GF, then this is relevant advice - not up to them to tell GF or GF's friend what they ought to be doing with their own living arrangements.

I mean it does seem unfair on the kid in particular, but at the end of the day it is GF's thing to sort out.

OP saying they support and will provide backup to whatever GF decides to do or to handle/manage the situation is more appropriate if they do not live together.

ETA: That might very well of course involve OP saying something to N to help to deal with the situation if GF asks them to do so or is finding it stressful, or standing beside her for support when she does so herself - but it has to be whatever GF wants to be the situation in her home.

 

[Riklet]

Id be saying "it's me or N baby" but maybe dont listen to that advice

 

[muscovyduck]

Really doesn't seem fair on the kid. This is what my parents were like, sorting out everyone else at my expense.

 

[scalyboy]

She has given my gf £30 towards bills in 2 years. In this time she has taken a trip to New York for leisure and several trips to Sweden for family matters.

100% taking the piss. Outrageous !
But some people will exploit others' goodwill if a firm line isn't taken. It's not easy I know, I've been in a similar (although not nearly as bad) situation, but your gf has to take action, some good ideas suggested on this thread.
Agree about not fixing on a regular amount as rent / lodger's payment; she will take that to mean she can stay there indefinitely, and from your description, the flat's not big enough. And sounds like the type who wouldn't pay anyway, it would always be "I'm a bit short this month"...

 

[kabbes]

Your GF is the real issue here tbh. And now you are getting involved rather than her just managing it herself.

Yes N is a pain in the arse clearly, even if she's a good person with her own difficulties. CFS can present differently and just because she is working and travelling doesnt mean she isnt struggling. But she is exploiting the situation for her own gain. Worse than this however, your GF is allowing herself to be exploited rather than prioritising herself and her child.

Seriously TWO YEARS of this?? It's up to your GF to take responsibility and sort this mess out. My advice - don't get too involved or tell her what to do, it will end badly especially if she loses a friend.

Yes, I was going to ask what the girlfriend thinks about it all. That is surely the key voice in all this but it is largely absent from the discussion.