Housing for gfs friend outstaying welcome

[Magnus McGinty]

At least she buys her own food

At least! But presumably not for anybody else.
I do feel for this person but it is unkind to rinse someone else’s kindness to this extent.

 

[Magnus McGinty]

I mean you say that but I'd hate to be in this situation. Living in someones front room in a one bed flat with a kid sounds like hell.

I’d be embarrassed.

 

[surreybrowncap]

At least she buys her own food

Using electric / gas to cook it on...

 

[MickiQ]

I think you need to be under 18

Someone who's got kids too eh?

 

[kebabking]

Someone who's got kids too eh?

Kids/infestation of parasites, it's all the same thing....

 

[MickiQ]

Kids/infestation of parasites, it's all the same thing....

Still forking out for Youngest and she's 21 and will be for at least another couple of years yet.

 

[MickiQ]

For what it's worth, I'm with the majority opinion on this thread, N is clearly sponging on the OP's g/f and needs to be told to pack her bags and go, clearly she feels (even if not conciously) that's she's on a good thing so why change it?

 

[equationgirl]

Basically if she's taking trips to New York she doesn't need to be sponging off N and disrupting her kid's life to this extent.

 

[kebabking]

Absolutely - give her the big FO.

I like to be nice, and want to say 'sorry, it's not working, you need to find another place...', but this shit is simple exploitation that relies on your GF's unwillingness to both confront, and follow through.

Wait till she goes away for a weekend, and hoof her gear out. Stick it in a locker or whatever, text the code key, and then change the locks.

Rampant, rampant piss taking.

 

[Magnus McGinty]

For what it's worth, I'm with the majority opinion on this thread, N is clearly sponging on the OP's g/f and needs to be told to pack her bags and go, clearly she feels (even if not conciously) that's she's on a good thing so why change it?

But has no shame. Surely she herself can see that her occupying half the flat at whatever times suits has an impact on what the child can or cannot do to enjoy the property paid for by parent?
The fact she contributes to nothing else other than her own food is sticking two fingers up tbh. Totally not acceptable.

 

[Ms Ordinary]

Has she got a mobile phone?
Next time she is in Sweden, pack up her stuff..put it in a station locker / storage unit. Text her where she can collect her stuff and where she can collect the key to the locker....and tell her she must go find somewhere else to live.
Also, change the locks on your girlfriend's flat.

She has family in Sweden.
Let her family take care of her. She's not your gfs responsibility.

Eta . I know this sounds harsh and I would find it hard to do this myself. But if your gf really wants her gone and to cut ties then this might be the only way. Otherwise she might never go

Honestly, this.

If you think it might work, give her some kind if written notice. But if you do that, then follow through, dont back down.

 

[komodo]

N has absolutely no realistic hope of Council accommodation.

Your GF should put the needs of her child first - that is her job as a parent. This is no life for him - he is who she should be prioritising.

So N needs to go - end of.

Your GF must be prepared to lose this ‘friendship’ for the sake of her son.

 

[newme]

Only way I'd accept someone staying after taking the piss for this long was 3x the rent and bills, up front, monthly for a max of 2 months. Then they can have a strop and fuck off elsewhere. They are fucking about with the resources of someone supporting a child while going on holiday. Fuck off

 

[persimmon]

But has no shame. Surely she herself can see that her occupying half the flat at whatever times suits has an impact on what the child can or cannot do to enjoy the property paid for by parent?
The fact she contributes to nothing else other than her own food is sticking two fingers up tbh. Totally not acceptable.

I think that's kinda

 

[persimmon]

But has no shame. Surely she herself can see that her occupying half the flat at whatever times suits has an impact on what the child can or cannot do to enjoy the property paid for by parent?
The fact she contributes to nothing else other than her own food is sticking two fingers up tbh. Totally not acceptable.

That's part of the issue. She doesn't seem to have the awareness to see or to care about the impact on others and perhaps to understand the way she is extracting the urine. Her values and needs aren't aligned with anyone elses but her own. As I've alluded to she is a strange character, seems unable to read others and has obsessive tendencies with regards to her writing project and it would be easy to pathologise.

For her to be so stubborn and arrogant to persist in staying rent-free for months, giving my gf £30 and then going on holiday as if it is a perfectly splendid fine thing to do made my blood boil. Another thing is that while she has been living here for a while, my gf and her don't seem to be particularly close friends or hang out at all. All the while gf is enabling N to feed off her at the expense of her and her son and they have both normalised it.
Gf is going to take action once N leaves this weekend.

 

[weepiper]

It sounds like she might be autistic from your description, in which case being extremely clear with language is even more important. Your girlfriend needs to stop hinting and be blunt and matter of fact.

 

[Aladdin]

Gf is going to take action once N leaves this weekend.

She's going away for the weekend?

 

[persimmon]

My gf said "this weekend I'm going to get rid of everything I don't need in the flat"
I said, "you mean "N?"


N is leaving this weekend to cat sit for someone for a week then going to Sweden for a short while and then ?

 

[planetgeli]

Nothing to add because just about everyone here is offering the only sane advice.

But I do like your dark humour chosen username.

 

[Magnus McGinty]

Another thing is that while she has been living here for a while, my gf and her don't seem to be particularly close friends or hang out at all. All the while gf is enabling N to feed off her at the expense of her and her son and they have both normalised it.

None of our business of course, but that does kind of beg the question as to why your gf would be supporting this person's life at all if they're not close in any way.

 

[persimmon]

They're not really close but theyve had a friendship for a few years. She wanted to help her out and has ended up to her ears in someone else's mess and found it difficult to extract herself from it..
think N has found a way to get around without getting 'found out' - by being out of the way/invisible when needed, deflecting responsibility, bringing her health problems and family issues to the front and assuring that she's seeking housing help from the council. my gf has no idea how the UK housing system in works and hasn't questioned any of it, or her health.
Perhaps it's a cultural, my gf is not from UK, very giving, treating guests as part of the family, not asking for anything in return etc

 

[Puddy_Tat]

just a thought (and accept that it sounds like there's complications with ex being on the tenancy agreement, and (from a housing perspective) you being in the picture, but wonder if gf might have a case for applying for social housing of some sort? not having a bedroom for a school aged child sounds like it could be considered overcrowding.

i'm very out of touch with it all

shelter website may be worth a look / may be worth contacting them for advice (and for referring N to) - this assumes that all concerned are in england, there's bits of housing law that are subtly different round the UK, shelter have separate websites for scotland / wales / n ireland.

 

[persimmon]

just a thought (and accept that it sounds like there's complications with ex being on the tenancy agreement, and (from a housing perspective) you being in the picture, but wonder if gf might have a case for applying for social housing of some sort? not having a bedroom for a school aged child sounds like it could be considered overcrowding.

i'm very out of touch with it all

shelter website may be worth a look / may be worth contacting them for advice (and for referring N to) - this assumes that all concerned are in england, there's bits of housing law that are subtly different round the UK, shelter have separate websites for scotland / wales / n ireland.

I also live in a one bed with my son of school age. applied for social housing years ago. Not in receipt of benefits. Would be lucky to get anything. Just have to make it work the best we can. fortunately there are no lodgers.
If at some point my gf and I move in together things may be easier.

 

[equationgirl]

My gf said "this weekend I'm going to get rid of everything I don't need in the flat"
I said, "you mean "N?"


N is leaving this weekend to cat sit for someone for a week then going to Sweden for a short while and then ?

Is she taking all her stuff with her? It's also unfair to expect N to be an unpaid storage facility.

weepiper is right, your gf needs to be clear and direct. It's also a bit unfair to not warn her that she can't leave her stuff at the flat while she is away.

'X, please make sure you take everything with you when you leave for Sweden this time as t can no longer give you space to stay.. Anything left behind will be thrown away as I don't have any spare space to store stray belongings.. You cannot stay here when you return from Sweden'

 

[moochedit]

Wait until next time she goes to visit her folks in Sweden, then move house while she's away.

 

[Magnus McGinty]

Wait until next time she goes to visit her folks in Sweden, then move house while she's away.

I know you're just joking but the fact of the matter is that a quick move in London usually means your rent goes up.

 

[moochedit]

I know you're just joking but the fact of the matter is that a quick move in London usually means your rent goes up.

Yes i suspect London Rents/house prices are the reason this person is not in a hurry to get their own place.

 

[Epona]

I think N has been trying to hang tight in the hope that the council will house her sooner than later and she has either been poorly advised about the chances of getting accomodation or does not want to listen or is just too comfortable with the current situation or all of the above. I guess she thinks the CFS will help her case but she doesn't have a proper diagnosis.

At the moment it's become unbearable - my gf just told me that N sleeps until midday most days while my gf is up at 8am doing the school run or starting work WFH, N is still asleep right next to her. Her son has also asked about whether N will be around and expressed his frustration. basically the only space he has to play in the flat has been being taken over.
I recently discovered through casual chit chat with N that the personal research project and essay writing she spends the majority of time on when not working is about the life of a famous literary figure but that she hasn't actually read any of their works. To me that was very unusual and set off a few alarm bells and thought that maybe there is a bit more going on..

Anyway my gf has been party this advice and comments - it seems to have really helped her to make things clearer and affirmed how she already felt about the impact N having on her and her sons wellbeing. She is going to contact N and hopefully will resolve this situation. Next steps will be making it clear after she has left that this situation wont be able to occur again in the future. Last year she was told she couldn't stay again but then we went away for a bit and she stayed at the flat when we weren't there, her father died and well she's been mostly here since then.

really appreciate the support on here!

CFS is a very real thing and sleeping until noon ("waking as early as noon?" a part of me says) absolutely 100% fits - but that still doesn't mean it's your gf's job to look after her, or the kid should give up space to play in order for her to sleep.
Her expectation of being housed by your gf is unreasonable without questioning whether CFS is a thing or criticising the sleep patterns of people who suffer from fatigue.

 

[spring-peeper]

@persimmon

Really glad you joined and asked for advice. The folks on here are always happy to help people out.

From your first post, I think the urban collective has given you excellent advice and suggestions. But, I think you two maybe already knew the solution. This thread is giving you confirmation and, possibly, the courage to go to the next step.

Now is the time to get rid of her. This is the best time to assert yourselves.


On a side note, I hope you and your girlfriend move in together. After all this is done, you must know the two of you have a future together - A bright and happy future.

Please let us know how everything went.

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

I think N has been trying to hang tight in the hope that the council will house her sooner than later and she has either been poorly advised about the chances of getting accomodation or does not want to listen or is just too comfortable with the current situation or all of the above. I guess she thinks the CFS will help her case but she doesn't have a proper diagnosis.

At the moment it's become unbearable - my gf just told me that N sleeps until midday most days while my gf is up at 8am doing the school run or starting work WFH, N is still asleep right next to her. Her son has also asked about whether N will be around and expressed his frustration. basically the only space he has to play in the flat has been being taken over.
I recently discovered through casual chit chat with N that the personal research project and essay writing she spends the majority of time on when not working is about the life of a famous literary figure but that she hasn't actually read any of their works. To me that was very unusual and set off a few alarm bells and thought that maybe there is a bit more going on..

Anyway my gf has been party this advice and comments - it seems to have really helped her to make things clearer and affirmed how she already felt about the impact N having on her and her sons wellbeing. She is going to contact N and hopefully will resolve this situation. Next steps will be making it clear after she has left that this situation wont be able to occur again in the future. Last year she was told she couldn't stay again but then we went away for a bit and she stayed at the flat when we weren't there, her father died and well she's been mostly here since then.

really appreciate the support on here!

Wow! That's out of order. Ask for the keys back immediately*. Although tbh, your gf would probably be better off just changing the lock. A new lock might cost around £20 or so. There's taking liberties and piss-taking, and then there's this, which is in a whole other league! Just letting yourself into someone else's home and living there after you've been told that you can't is totally out of order.

And sleeping until midday in the communal area of someone else's home is super weird and inconsiderate too. I mean, maybe if you were crashing after a house party/staying for a weekend while visiting and you had some late nights eating and drinking and catching, but not if you were habitually living in someone else's gaff. And especially not if your host had to work from home and was effectively being made to tip-toe around you and temper their behaviour in their home for weeks and months on end. Nope. Nope nope nope.


* Although if she's not there at the moment, there's a risk that she might go and get a set of keys cut before returning the spare set. Might be better to let her come back to the property, ask her for the keys back straight away, tell her she can't stay, maybe let her stay one more night, depending on what time she arrives, but then the next day, tell her she's gone. And if she says she has nowhere else to stay and she has to leave her luggage, tell her that she can either take it with her now, or it will be put outside the front door for her to collect at X o'clock, and if she doesn't come back to collect it, gf won't be held responsible for anything that goes missing once it's been put outside the door.

Your gf and you have got to be firm with her otherwise she'll continue taking the piss and walking all over you. I've learned the hard way.

I had to kick out a couple who were friends of friends who I took in - I had a three-bedroom flat was known for taking in waifs and strays - but they ended up having 'domestics' at my place, started making me feel really uncomfortable in my own home, the guy even ended up threatening me when I politely said they needed to leave. I ended up putting all their stuff out on the landing while they were out and changing the lock.

Some people aren't appreciative or grateful - with some people it's more a case of if you give them an inch, they will take a mile, and then another mile, and then another mile, and then another mile, and then when you finally tell them that you're no longer willing to let them have yet another mile, they turn on you, because they're so fucking entitled they're pissed off when you snap and say 'No more,' because how fucking dare you call a halt to their gravy train.

Honestly, when I've stayed with friends, I've bought wine, flowers, chocolates and treats, etc, but in my experience when you get a piss-taker like that, they won't thank you at the end of the day, they'll just be really pissed off and aggrieved that they can no longer take the piss.