Do you have any 'house rules'? If so, what are they?

[AnnO'Neemus]

...and how easy or difficult do you find it to enforce them?

I'm wondering because I'm feeling a bit gaslighted at the moment. A friend is a house guest. He's previously stayed here when I wasn't living in my flat. Mostly we get on okay, he's good company, but over the weekend, we'd had a nice meal (he cooked), we'd both drunk a fair bit, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, he raises the subject of Person X, who was a friend of a friend who was very briefly a lodger of mine several years ago, who I chucked out for smoking in my flat.

I think him and Person X have some mutual friends, and suspect maybe he's mentioned to one of them that he's staying at mine and they've told/reminded him about this ancient history.

He was really having a go at me for being unreasonable for chucking someone out for breaking house rules.

Basically, I have two house rules: smoking isn't allowed inside my flat, only on the balcony, and I don't allow pig meat in my flat. (I also used to be no outdoor shoes indoors, but my carpets are knackered and flooring needs replacing, which I'm planning to do soon.)

I actually ended up getting a bit upset, because he was acting like I was really outrageous and unreasonable for kicking someone out of my home for breaking house rules.

Person X was told about house rules before moving in and agreed to them. I subsequently smelled smoke and asked her if she'd been smoking in her room, and she said Yes, but only a bit. (It took about six weeks of air freshener and leaving windows open when it wasn't raining to get rid of all the smell.)

I'm now questioning myself again and wondering am I the arsehole in this scenario?

I do have a lot of emotional baggage, I've been treated like shit a lot over the years, so I'm really shocked that a friend seems to effectively be saying that I shouldn't have boundaries and house rules in my own home. Or that if I do have house rules, random lodgers or house guests should be able to just break them with no consequences and I'm somehow being a terrible person for not wanting people to smoke in my home, and for kicking out people who do.

(Also bearing in mind that years ago I let an acquaintance stay on a similar basis, ie you can crash in the spare room, but no smoking indoors, it's only allowed on the balcony, and she not only smoked in her bedroom but dozed off while smoking in bed and there were burn holes in sheets and I was upset and furious because she could've set my flat on fire.

There was a house fire when I was 13-years-old in which I lost everything but the clothes I was standing up in.

So it's not just about the smell, which I really dislike, it's about fire safety.)

What house rules do other people have, and do you just turn a blind eye if friends or houseguests break them?

It's making me question how much I can trust people. I mean, I've learned I can't really trust randoms who smoke, because in my experience when they agree not to smoke indoors, many of them are lying, but it's upsetting to think a friend thinks I'm in the wrong for banishing someone who broke a house rule that they were aware of and agreed to.

Now I'm thinking like he doesn't respect me and my house rules so I'm feeling like maybe I can't trust him to respect them - or me - either.

 

[Fozzie Bear]

When I saw the thread title I wondered what my house rules were and basically came up with "no smoking in the house + don't be a dick".

So no, I think you're fine really. As well as the smell and risk of fire there are the health aspects of passive smoking.

I get that smoking is an addiciton but it doesn't seem at all unreasonable that people do it on your balcony.

 

[Fozzie Bear]

I had a mate to stay recently who is a bit chaotic and obviously he did all sorts of things that I found a bit strange or were not the way that I would do them, and I had to keep a bit of a grip on my uptightness. I think we all do that.

But there are some lines you don't cross and people have to respect that if they are guests really and they have been told what the deal is?

 

[killer b]

- no jizz on the cat

 

[Sue]

But there are some lines you don't cross and people have to respect that if they are guests really and they have been told what the deal is?

This. It's way out of line for your friend to have a go when he's a guest tbh. (And having a no smoking rule seems perfectly reasonable. When I smoked, I wouldn't have dreamed of smoking in someone's flat unless they made it very clear it was okay.)

 

[Saunders]

I don’t have any strong house rules but I don’t like people who smoke ready made cigarettes smoking them inside, and ask them not to, or to maybe to only smoke them in the kitchen and put up with the door being open while they do. And tell them when it’s all too smelly and no more.
I don’t at all think you were or are being unreasonable for having the rules you do, or for asking the guest/ lodger who smoked in her room after you’d specifically said not to, to leave.
Your current house guest sounds a bit of a dick for making you feel as though you were in the wrong.

 

[moomoo]

Take your shoes off, no smoking, no harsh words and no biting.

That’s for family though.

I don’t think any of my friends would even dream of smoking in my house. Even when I smoked I went outside. That’s way out of order imo.

 

[maomao]

If someone smoked in my house I'd probably hit them. That's a fine red line to have.

 

[maomao]

Take your shoes off, no smoking, no harsh words and no biting.

What if it's a couple staying and they bite each other in the privacy of the guest room?

 

[Steel Icarus]

- no jizz on the cat

That's the last time I'm coming round yours

 

[maomao]

That's the last time I'm coming round yours

You're still going, just no coming?

 

[weepiper]

You are not the arsehole here Ann. No smoking in my house is perfectly reasonable and the person knew they were going against your wishes. You are allowed your own boundaries, you know what, neurotypicals have all sorts of rules that they expect you to follow without even fucking telling you, so you are perfectly entitled to have reasonable rules which you have explained and then stick to.

 

[killer b]

That's the last time I'm coming round yours

I always wondered why they called you catsbum

 

[MickiQ]

100% with you on the no smoking in the house (Mrs Q is even more rabid about that than me, if it was up to her, people smoking anywhere would be subject to summary execution).
None of the people who visit regularly smoke and I don't know many actual smokers these days, even vapers are pretty rare in my social circle.
Yes we might prefer people to take their shoes off but it's not always that simple. We don't have any carpets downstairs, it's all laminate and tiles which makes for greater flexibility in that regard.
As for enforcing the rules we've never (yet) had anyone to visit us who we would want to ban from ever visiting again so there hasn't been much of a problem. Well's that not strictly true, Eldest went through a stage where she dated a series of what can only be described as undesirables but she got bored with them before we ever did.
As for you it's your house you can enforce whatever rules you want and screw anyone who says otherwise.

 

[moochedit]

- no jizz on the cat

If you have to tell them that i'd get some new friends

 

[moomoo]

What if it's a couple staying and they bite each other in the privacy of the guest room?

It’s mainly a rule for the 4 year old tbf

 

[Puddy_Tat]

no smoking, no dogs, no tories

 

[skyscraper101]

Person X was told about house rules before moving in and agreed to them. I subsequently smelled smoke and asked her if she'd been smoking in her room, and she said Yes, but only a bit. (It took about six weeks of air freshener and leaving windows open when it wasn't raining to get rid of all the smell.)

she not only smoked in her bedroom but dozed off while smoking in bed and there were burn holes in sheets and I was upset and furious because she could've set my flat on fire.

WTF. Nah, fuck that. I'd have definitely kicked her out. That is total disrespect and dangeous.

 

[Elpenor]

My only house rule is no visitors

 

[Elpenor]

On a serious note with a lodger / house guest it’s an unequal partnership, effectively a benevolent dictatorship in favour of the landlord, which can strain friendships I think

 

[A380]

Before we moved a couple of weeks back it was ‘no shitting in the downstairs loo’

Bit harder to enforce now we live in a bungalow.

 

[xenon]

- no jizz on the cat

Oh god, that was a thing on here wasn't it. Thanks for the reminder.


To OP. Your rules are perfectly reasonable. When i smoked, i wouldn't dream of just thinking I could light up in someone's house. To do it when you've been told not to is just fucking rrude entitled and it's understandably a thing to expect to be chucked out for.

 

[pogofish]

You are not the arsehole here Ann. No smoking in my house is perfectly reasonable and the person knew they were going against your wishes. You are allowed your own boundaries, you know what, neurotypicals have all sorts of rules that they expect you to follow without even fucking telling you, so you are perfectly entitled to have reasonable rules which you have explained and then stick to.

This!

Anecdotally, over the years I have repeatedly found that when someone starts “bending” the house rules, even very mild ones and gets away with it, it won’t be that long before they take the absolute piss in any number of ways.

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

- no jizz on the cat

I don't have a cat, thank goodness.

(Although I am a crazy old cat lady in waiting and want to get one. But I'm clearly going to need a new house rule if I do.)

 

[bellaozzydog]

...and how easy or difficult do you find it to enforce them?

I'm wondering because I'm feeling a bit gaslighted at the moment. A friend is a house guest. He's previously stayed here when I wasn't living in my flat. Mostly we get on okay, he's good company, but over the weekend, we'd had a nice meal (he cooked), we'd both drunk a fair bit, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, he raises the subject of Person X, who was a friend of a friend who was very briefly a lodger of mine several years ago, who I chucked out for smoking in my flat.

I think him and Person X have some mutual friends, and suspect maybe he's mentioned to one of them that he's staying at mine and they've told/reminded him about this ancient history.

He was really having a go at me for being unreasonable for chucking someone out for breaking house rules.

Basically, I have two house rules: smoking isn't allowed inside my flat, only on the balcony, and I don't allow pig meat in my flat. (I also used to be no outdoor shoes indoors, but my carpets are knackered and flooring needs replacing, which I'm planning to do soon.)

I actually ended up getting a bit upset, because he was acting like I was really outrageous and unreasonable for kicking someone out of my home for breaking house rules.

Person X was told about house rules before moving in and agreed to them. I subsequently smelled smoke and asked her if she'd been smoking in her room, and she said Yes, but only a bit. (It took about six weeks of air freshener and leaving windows open when it wasn't raining to get rid of all the smell.)

I'm now questioning myself again and wondering am I the arsehole in this scenario?

I do have a lot of emotional baggage, I've been treated like shit a lot over the years, so I'm really shocked that a friend seems to effectively be saying that I shouldn't have boundaries and house rules in my own home. Or that if I do have house rules, random lodgers or house guests should be able to just break them with no consequences and I'm somehow being a terrible person for not wanting people to smoke in my home, and for kicking out people who do.

(Also bearing in mind that years ago I let an acquaintance stay on a similar basis, ie you can crash in the spare room, but no smoking indoors, it's only allowed on the balcony, and she not only smoked in her bedroom but dozed off while smoking in bed and there were burn holes in sheets and I was upset and furious because she could've set my flat on fire.

There was a house fire when I was 13-years-old in which I lost everything but the clothes I was standing up in.

So it's not just about the smell, which I really dislike, it's about fire safety.)

What house rules do other people have, and do you just turn a blind eye if friends or houseguests break them?

It's making me question how much I can trust people. I mean, I've learned I can't really trust randoms who smoke, because in my experience when they agree not to smoke indoors, many of them are lying, but it's upsetting to think a friend thinks I'm in the wrong for banishing someone who broke a house rule that they were aware of and agreed to.

Now I'm thinking like he doesn't respect me and my house rules so I'm feeling like maybe I can't trust him to respect them - or me - either.

Your house your rules

You set them and if you are uncomfortable that a lodger isn’t respecting them they are in the wrong if rule was communicated clearly

TBH it sounds like your friend is being a bit of a drunken knobber

Not smoking in a house is an absolute basic level rule.

My house rules have always been,

1. Don’t be a dick
2. Smoke in the back yard smoking snug

That’s it apart from the obvious cleaning routines

Asking for basic levels of respect isn’t in anyway a failing give yourself a bit of compassion you are in the right here

 

[bellaozzydog]

When I saw the thread title I wondered what my house rules were and basically came up with "no smoking in the house + don't be a dick".

So no, I think you're fine really. As well as the smell and risk of fire there are the health aspects of passive smoking.

I get that smoking is an addiciton but it doesn't seem at all unreasonable that people do it on your balcony.

Just read the thread, great minds

 

[Boudicca]

'No smokers' rather than 'no smoking'. I have found that smokers cannot be trusted to not smoke inside if the weather is bad.

No leaving dirty washing up in the sink and no metal on the non-stick frying pans.

Current lodgers are driving me berserk at the moment due to their inability to recycle. I cannot challenge them as this would mean admitting that I have been rooting through the bin...

I am now in the process of downsizing as old age is making me increasingly intolerant of the small things.

 

[StoneRoad]

AnnO'Neemus - nope, your rules are perfectly fine. As was your reaction to their breach.

Mine are similar - no smoking [at all, tbh] and no illegal drugs [not a wet blanket, just have had problems with the snitch next door]
and I would prefer no loud music at late hours ...
and don't tease the dog / cat.

e2a - reminded about getting people to recycle etc ...

 

[furluxor]

What everyone else said, you're well within your rights to kick someone out for not respecting your house rules. It doesn't matter if it's the smell, fire safety or you just don't like it, you don't need a reason. It's your home.

My house rules: no smoking, no shoes, no pissing off the neighbours. If you're a guy and cannot piss straight, piss sitting down. If you're smoking weed, I ask that you do it in the back yard, because reasons. If other people are present, be civil even if you disagree with them. Most of this never gets said, nowadays I'm mostly friends with considerate people. Oh, one more. Do not, under any circumstances, come round, plonk yourself on the sofa and in the midst of a conversation casually mention that you might have scabies

Back when I last shared with people, I was a house chore rota person and asked that people contribute an hour a week (on top of washing up after themselves - although leaving dishes for up to a day was ok). Most people couldn't cope. I no longer share housing.

 

[ouirdeaux]

no pissing off the neighbours

Or even on.