Wanting someone special to go away with

[AnnO'Neemus]

I feel a bit silly. I'm just watching Blown Away on Netflix, which is like the Great British Bake Off, but it's American and for glass blowers, sculptors, etc. They're doing a Venetian glass-blowing challenge.

Which reminded me that, for years, I've wanted to go to Venice and visit the Murano glass works. I've been fascinated ever since I read about Manchester airport's old Murano glass chandeliers. (Now dismantled and in storage or in a museum.) I mean, I'd seen them in situ in the airport donkeys' years before reading about them.

I've always liked/been fascinated by glass art, grew up in a 1930s semi with typical stained glass detail at the top of the bay window and a stained glass window on the side of the house/in the stairwell. (I like pretty lights and colours.) And then about 15 years ago I spent a couple of years living in the Middle East, where the style of décor isn't so much less is more, but rather more is more, and I loved all the chandeliers there. But can't have any extravagant light fittings in my 1930s flat because it lacks ceiling height.

Anyway, back to travel.

There are quite a few places that I would like to visit, but I feel silly, because I've been putting trips off for years, because I want to go with someone.

I want to go to Venice and to Budapest and to Barcelona, places I've never been too, but I want to go with someone, I want to have a shared experience, I want to share the enjoyment with someone. And Paris too. I've passed through Paris a few times, haven't really visited, but don't want to do it alone.

It seems like 'normally' there are people who are totally fine to travel solo and who enjoy it and conversely there are people who don't feel comfortable with solo travel who shy away from it, who don't travel unless they're going with partner, family or friends.

I feel like I'm in a weird category of people who are totally fine to travel solo - I've been to India, Egypt, China, Spain, Greece etc on solo holidays, so it's not that that I'm scared of travelling alone - but there are some places that I don't want to visit solo. And I've been to Thailand, Italy, Spain, Ireland, France, Denmark, Switzerland on holiday with others.

It's just that over the years, I've been thinking the next time I'm in a relationship I'd love to visit x, y or z, but I've been single for years now. I know I could look up cheap flights to any of those places and hop on a plane in the next month or so, and tick those places off my 'to do' list, but it's not just about going there and ticking it off my to do list, I want to have a fun and/or romantic shared experience.

I want to visit those places, but haven't been able to bring myself to visit them alone, and I realise I'm missing out by not just going by myself, and I feel silly even mentioning it, but it feels like this never-ending intractable dilemma.

How do other folks feel about travelling to places that they always wanted/envisioned visiting with other people?

 

[story]

I know exactly what you mean AnnO'Neemus . And it’s a common feeling.

“And so it turned out that only a life similar to the life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness.”​

― Boris Pasternak

Happiness Is Only Real When Shared

What I learned about happiness when I was alone

byrslf.co

Happiness Is Only Real When Shared​

What I learned about happiness when I was alone​

Jerry Koh

The topic on happiness has always bugged me since the days leading up to my trip — it was one of the reasons I even set out in the first place. But the answers wasn’t where I expected them to be found.
In the past, I have been lulled into thinking happiness is something I find along the way as I figure my way out through life — once I achieved my goals I set out to attain.
But now that I look back on 50 days of solo-backpacking Europe, I decided to jot down the happiest moments during my trip at the back of my travel journal. What I realised was this:

I went through my days in my head and listed what stood out and made me genuinely happy.
Every single moment when I was happy was shared with someone. In none of it — and I mean none of it — where I was truly alone.
The Couchsurfing host whom I cooked with, the driver who allowed me to hitch-hike for miles, the street performer who showed me the way.
At first I thought I’m gonna be this lone wolf wandering around the stark landscapes and cobbled streets like a scrubby backpacker, alone with my thoughts and freedom.
The freedom was liberating, don’t get me wrong — at times I was so stoked before a breathtaking vista or a stupefying scenery, filled with immense joy.
But then I turned around and looked to no one, realising the poignancy in that I was the only person feasting my eyes on the beautiful scene, that this ephemeral sense of pure joy is only as short-lived as my own memories and perception.
There isn’t happiness.

Because happiness is only real when shared.

I saw this phrase on the second last night of my trip, when watching “Into the Wild” with my host. (Spoilers ahead)

Adapted from a true story, Christopher McCandless was a promising young man with huge potential, but decided to leave college and his family behind in search of freedom and authenticity in life. On his journey to Alaska to live out his days was met with many kind and amazing individuals, one who even wanted to adopt him as his son.
But his desire for this elusive solitary happiness was so strong that when he finally reached Alaska, he was bored and hungry and unhappy. The happiness he envisioned was a false idea. That, in essence, solitary happiness is an oxymoron.
In his dying moments after ingesting a poisonous fungi by accident, he scribbled in one of his books the words “happiness only real when shared” before passing away in an abandoned bus in the Alaskan wilderness.

Christopher McCandless in front of the bus he found in Alaska

The movie was slow but it hit me like a bullet train.
Humans are social creatures, humans need interactions, humans are biologically programmed to need it for survival. Having someone (I’m not talking about a shitload of tourists) beside me to lock eyes with, even if it’s just a stranger, can bring out that much bit more of happiness. If I’m not screaming together with them, then I’m probably doing so in my mind, “Are you seeing it? ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I’M SEEING?! ISN’T THAT AMAZING?!”
I realised that true solitude cannot lead to true happiness. It’s not possible.
Happiness lies in self-disclosure — the outward expression of the sensations that is contained in the self — the interaction with the outside world, with reality.
One can be the person who found the true meaning to life and happiness but he won’t stay that way for long if he doesn’t share it.

The act of sharing this happiness is part of the happiness itself.

Why do we always hear old people going on and on about their stories in life? Because stories that are trapped in the individual is depriving those stories to be part of our collective human experience. Sharing it is a form of catharsis that realises the meaning behind it.
Even one of the greatest religious leader in the world, the Buddha, did not isolate himself in solitude just because he achieved enlightenment and true contentment and equanimity. He was compelled to share it with everyone what he had distilled in his meditative practices. Even one of the core beliefs of Buddhism is to be compassionate to not just yourself, but everyone else.

Love just keeps growing the more you divide it, but pain is cut in half each time you share it.

Sharing always, always makes things better.
And I realised, happiness is not something I find, it is something I be.

And I must be with the people who matter for it to mean anything.

Like what you read? Visit jerrykoh.com for more!
Manifested unhealthily, this compulsive urge to share is also the reason why Instagram is such a successful vehicle for our current state of social practice, but that’s a story for another time! Thanks so much for reading you amazing being. Don’t forget to give me some claps if you liked it so others can find it too!

 

[story]

The other day I was eating alone in a restaurant, which I enjoy doing. Them I saw someone at another table, their face lit up when their date arrived. It made me yearn for someone to share my table with. Just suddenly ache for it. And like you, while I could easily travel to other places, and I know I’d enjoy it, I also know that doing it alone would make me feel lonely and lonesome.

When I’ve been in a relationship, I was very happy to travel alone. Being single, not having someone to tell, someone to come home to, for me, that’s the thing that makes the idea of travelling lonely.

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

The other day I was eating alone in a restaurant, which I enjoy doing. Them I saw someone at another table, their face lit up when their date arrived. It made me yearn for someone to share my table with. Just suddenly ache for it. And like you, while I could easily travel to other places, and I know I’d enjoy it, I also know that doing it alone would make me feel lonely and lonesome.

When I’ve been in a relationship, I was very happy to travel alone. Being single, not having someone to tell, someone to come home to, for me, that’s the thing that makes the idea of travelling lonely.

Yeah, that's the other thing, some people wouldn't dream of dining in a restaurant by themselves, but I have no problem, because I've travelled alone or, for example, the other night, I was going to an event after work and wanted to grab a bite to eat beforehand. Eating by myself rather than going hungry is a no brainer. I don't mind faffing about on my phone or reading a book or magazine or just eating and people watching.

But having a meal together is such a human experience. Talking about how amazing and/or bad the food is, chatting about other foodie experiences, chatting about what you've up to, chatting about your day or your plans. There's something so fundamental about 'breaking bread' with other people.

Yes, you've nailed it, it's that having someone to tell, that storytelling element, those shared stories, that's what's lacking in the solo experience.

It's not a case of 'photos or it didn't happen' or having to have someone else bear witness to the experience, it's the shared experience, the bonding over shared endeavours and moments, creating shared memories. Put simply, it's the togetherness. The having someone to share those experiences with, or alternatively someone to come home to and relay all those experiences to, the storytelling, the sharing of stories is such a fundamental human activity.

Even for people who are happy to travel solo, people who are happy with their own company, I suspect there's probably the urge to relate what happened, where we've been, what we did, what we ate, what we saw, how we felt.

And, yes, it sometimes feels lonely not to have someone to share that with at the time or to come home to and share stories with. Even for people who are otherwise happy to travel, dine, etc, solo.

 

[two sheds]

you could get a dog

 

[Saul Goodman]

There was a time when I really didn't mind doing things and going places on my own. Sometimes I'd even prefer it. I wouldn't have thought twice about jumping on the bike and riding to Spain, but the older I get, the more pointless it feels. I think it might be partly because I used to enjoy meeting people on my travels but that doesn't do much for me these days. I think the older I get the more insular I've become, to the point where I don't want to meet people when I go away. I'd rather share the experience with just one person, but failing that, I think I'd rather sit at home.
I'm starting to feel like terminal apathy has set in.

 

[two sheds]

I was with you until your last sentence.

Until I moved to where I am now I would always want to be getting out of an evening/weekend but I'm finally comfortable with staying in. When I was living with someone there were always highs which were lovely and lows which weren't but now I feel more generally content. It coincided with finding somewhere I really wanted to live, though.

Touch wood

 

[Saul Goodman]

I was with you until your last sentence.

Until I moved to where I am now I would always want to be getting out of an evening/weekend but I'm finally comfortable with staying in. When I was living with someone there were always highs which were lovely and lows which weren't but now I feel more generally content. It coincided with finding somewhere I really wanted to live, though.

Touch wood

I love where I'm living. It's just a bit shit not sharing it with someone.
I think I need a dog

 

[two sheds]

You're only young though aren't you?

 

[Saul Goodman]

You're only young though aren't you?

I used to be, a long time ago.

 

[Ted Bunting]

I know exactly what you mean AnnO'Neemus . And it’s a common feeling.

“And so it turned out that only a life similar to the life of those around us, merging with it without a ripple, is genuine life, and that an unshared happiness is not happiness.”​

― Boris Pasternak

Happiness Is Only Real When Shared

What I learned about happiness when I was alone

byrslf.co

Bollocks.

Some people devour your energy and antagonise the shittery out of you. No, scrap that - at some point - all people do to varying degrees.

““With so many pretty and decent (people) around, the only thing that occurs to you is to get married to the (children) of our enemy.”

 

[Ted Bunting]

There was a time when I really didn't mind doing things and going places on my own. Sometimes I'd even prefer it. I wouldn't have thought twice about jumping on the bike and riding to Spain, but the older I get, the more pointless it feels. I think it might be partly because I used to enjoy meeting people on my travels but that doesn't do much for me these days. I think the older I get the more insular I've become, to the point where I don't want to meet people when I go away. I'd rather share the experience with just one person.

Harder to meet people on your travels when you get older, bit of a younger person’s game innit.

I think I'd rather sit at home. I'm starting to feel like terminal apathy has set in.

With you on that one.

 

[two sheds]

Well it's all relative isn't it. There's just me and my sis now.

 

[Aladdin]

My life has imploded to the space inside my head since covid.
I'm cocooned pretty much indefinitely. At first it upset me .. but then I gave in to it and started to just stop over thinking about the what ifs and I wishes.
Funnily enough ..I do not miss anything really.
I'm happy sat in the garden...or helping out my sister or parents.
Occasionally I think...I'd love to go to X..but then I think of the hassle of airports...the whole flying in a tin can with 200 germ carrying others all breathing the same manky air for 3 hours.

I think that travel...is over rated.
Staying in hotels...is over rated.
Spending 2 weeks in another country exoecting to even glimpse what a life might be like there...is over rated.
A hell of a lot of stuff is over rated. Imo.
Contentment is not ..over rated.

 

[Chilli.s]

Id just like someone to go on country walks with, seems my only option is a dog

 

[Clair De Lune]

Could you go with a friend Ann?

My best holidays have been with friends looking back. I find the pressure of making it romantic in some way can make it harder to enjoy. That pressure isn't there with friends, and wonder, awe and laughter are easier to come by.

 

[Chilli.s]

My best holidays have been with friends looking back.

Very much this too. Separate rooms so youve your own space, but in the same hotel or what not.

 

[existentialist]

I've felt this need in the past, and usually solved it by just not going away. Which isn't a proper solution.

I do have someone to go away with now, although that is compensated for by the fact that we don't have a lot of flexibility about when and where we can go. But it's something...

I do think that Clair De Lune is onto something, though - if you have friends you can go away with, it adds a different (and sometimes better) dimension to the whole deal in comparison to a "romantic" trip.

 

[Silas Loom]

I can’t do travel any more. I have made my peace with that, but my wife hasn’t. Holidays, as we typically imagine them, seem to require life partnerships, as we typically imagine them, and vice versa.

 

[Aladdin]

I agree with Clair De Lune

holidays are often better with a great friend.

 

[May Kasahara]

After 20 years of being in the same LTR, I keep reading this thread title as "Wanting someone special to go away"

 

[Chz]

To take the OP in a different direction...

The only time I've ever used the Netflix Party thing is to watch Blown Away with a friend of mine who's a glass blower. She even went to the same school as the helpers and knows a few of them - some are returning students as TAs. It's an American production, but shot in Canada with the helpers from Sheridan College in Ontario (thus the big stylised "S" on their shirts). The show is so very much more interesting with her input, because sometimes you can't see why something is impressive to a glassblower because the end result is a bit plain. "Yeah, the piece wasn't all that but it's tremendously technical and they won't get booted out for it" Although sometimes it's easy for me to spot the "does not follow the brief" one who's gone at the end. There's always one.

In terms of travel... Much like Ann, I will travel on my own but it's better with a friend. And I'm a fairly insular person; christ knows if I'll even have enough "socialising" in the tank to make the Urban party and I already live in south London. I miss the days when a bunch of us on another (technical) forum were younger, before families, and we'd have outings to various places as a group. Switzerland, Iceland, Barcelona, Amsterdam, Prague... Some of them still meet up once a year, but it's a primarily American site and I can't be bothered to fly over to South Carolina for it.

 

[existentialist]

I agree with Clair De Lune

holidays are often better with a great friend.

One of the best holidays I ever had was when my friend Charley rang me up and said "You're coming to Jamaica with me for 10 days - you're the only person I can go on holiday with who I shan't want to kill before the end".

She'd won a break for 2 in an all-expenses resort in Jamaica, so off we went. It was slightly complicated by the fact that there was a 4 hour delay in the outbound flight, so we arrived in the small hours...to find that a booking mishap had got us down as a bridal couple, and we ended up in a suite with a big double bed, and a bottle of champagne on the pillow.

We drank the champagne, created a Berlin Wall of pillows down the middle of the bed, and had a bloody great holiday. Every morning I'd get up at 7am, as is my wont, and go and have breakfast, before bringing a "breakfast selection" back for Charley at around 9.

Happy days.

What I hadn't actually realised was that she'd started a new relationship about a week before we went away. I sometimes wonder what he thought about his new girlfriend disappearing off on a romantic Caribbean trip...

 

[Puddy_Tat]

on my mobile phone screen, this thread comes up as

Wanting someone special to go away
with

which gives a slightly different impression...

 

[stavros]

I'm glad there's a recent thread on this, because I've been think about this topic.

I recently spent a few days in European city on my own. The fundamental reason was to practice my language skills, and going round the various museums and chatting to shop staff was really good for this. But then it got to the evening, and I began to feel like a loner. I did a few bars and restaurants solo, but felt awkward, and it would've been good to have another person, even an Anglophone, with me.

Since I got back I've looked on a few websites for "travel buddies", because I'd like to repeat the trip for other cities in the same country. Does anyone have any experience of these, good or bad?

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

I love where I'm living. It's just a bit shit not sharing it with someone.
I think I need a dog

You've got to take dogs for walks every day, even in the cold and pissing rain.

Cats are where it's at.

 

[Saul Goodman]

You've got to take dogs for walks every day, even in the cold and pissing rain.

Cats are where it's at.

I have 6 cats. They're the main reason I don't get to go anywhere

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

I'm glad there's a recent thread on this, because I've been think about this topic.

I recently spent a few days in European city on my own. The fundamental reason was to practice my language skills, and going round the various museums and chatting to shop staff was really good for this. But then it got to the evening, and I began to feel like a loner. I did a few bars and restaurants solo, but felt awkward, and it would've been good to have another person, even an Anglophone, with me.

Since I got back I've looked on a few websites for "travel buddies", because I'd like to repeat the trip for other cities in the same country. Does anyone have any experience of these, good or bad?

Which cities/country? I might be up for trips to French cities.

I have a fair few friends who speak some Spanish and like to visit Spain or South America. Or friends who go on holiday to Portugal or Italy or wherever.

But although I have a couple of half-Brit/half-French friends who moved back there, I don't have any other Francophile friends around who want to visit and practice their language skills.

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

I have 6 cats. They're the main reason I don't get to go anywhere

I thought you were a man.

Or are you a man who identifies as a crazy old cat lady?

 

[Saul Goodman]

I thought you were a man.

Or are you a man who identifies as a crazy old cat lady?

It's not my fault. I took in a stray, and she neglected to tell me she had kittens hiding in the bushes.