Post your FILM REVIEWS for shit movies!

[DaveCinzano]

I came across a couple from years ago...



Circus
British gangster film set in Brighton, which is bold, given the one Brighton-set British gangster film most people will have in their minds. This does not challenge that associative hegemony on any level, though when in the opening minutes you see Christopher Biggins being tortured, you are hopeful.

John Hannah and Famke Janssen are a husband-and-wife con team. Brian Conley (yes, that Brian Conley) is a sadistic gang boss-cum-casino owner. Eddie Izzard is a sadistic loan shark-cum-bookie. Peter Stomare is a creepy mark-cum-blackmailer. Tom Lister Jr is a romantic enforcer-cum-lover. And yet with all this cum flying around, this is a film utterly devoid of spunk, which just splutters out halfway in, and doesn't even try to have anything approaching a satisfactory ending.

 

[isvicthere?]

I thought this must be a joke film, made up by you. But a quick click on your link reveals it is real.

 

[DaveCinzano]

I thought this must be a joke film, made up by you. But a quick click on your link reveals it is real.

Paid cash money for the DVD too

TBF, I also bought this:



Kung Fu Flid AKA Unarmed But Dangerous
What can I say? Seriously, one of the worst films I’ve ever watched. It took me at least three different sittings it’s so painful. Mat Fraser – an actor/martial artist born with foreshortened arms due to thalidomide – plays a martial artist whose daughter (for reasons too boring/convoluted/stupid to go into here) has been kidnapped by gangsters. Obviously he’s on the warpath. Frank Harper (a decent actor, FFS!) is the mob boss ultimately responsible, Faye Tozer from Steps is his moll, and there are various other half-recognisable faces from other half-arsed Brit gangster nonsense (like Turbo Terry Stone, who again seems to have scored his cameo because he put up cash for the producers).

Look, all of the above might have made this sound like it’s worth catching, out of curiosity if nothing else. But seriously, don’t bother. I can recommend nothing about it – acting, direction, editing, script, action sequences, special effects: all of it is nails-down-a-blackboard unpleasant.

 

[DaveCinzano]

Paid cash money for the DVD too

TBF, I also bought this:



Kung Fu Flid AKA Unarmed But Dangerous
What can I say? Seriously, one of the worst films I’ve ever watched. It took me at least three different sittings it’s so painful. Mat Fraser – an actor/martial artist born with foreshortened arms due to thalidomide – plays a martial artist whose daughter (for reasons too boring/convoluted/stupid to go into here) has been kidnapped by gangsters. Obviously he’s on the warpath. Frank Harper (a decent actor, FFS!) is the mob boss ultimately responsible, Faye Tozer from Steps is his moll, and there are various other half-recognisable faces from other half-arsed Brit gangster nonsense (like Turbo Terry Stone, who again seems to have scored his cameo because he put up cash for the producers).

Look, all of the above might have made this sound like it’s worth catching, out of curiosity if nothing else. But seriously, don’t bother. I can recommend nothing about it – acting, direction, editing, script, action sequences, special effects: all of it is nails-down-a-blackboard unpleasant.

I mean, we may have laughed at the number of cuts employed to vaguely give the impression of a 62 year old man jumping over a chain-link fence in Taken 3, but this film's director decided to have the camera linger on his protagonist - a dude with barely anything between his armpit and his palm, remember - for a good five minutes as he attempted to clamber over a generic garden wall to the rear of the bad guys' lair.

I have a vague recollection that Faye Tozer was blown up or something in the climax

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

* pulls up a seat, grabs a bag of popcorn, and waits for Orang Utan to chip in to this conversation with his funny snarky comments and unique movie rating scores *

 

[AnnO'Neemus]

I thought this must be a joke film, made up by you. But a quick click on your link reveals it is real.

Yeah, me too. I had a 'Wait, what?' moment while reading that. I mean Famke Janssen and Brian Conley in the same movie? Did she have a big tax bill to pay or something?

 

[DaveCinzano]

Yeah, me too. I had a 'Wait, what?' moment while reading that. I mean Famke Janssen and Brian Conley in the same movie? Did she have a big tax bill to pay or something?

Maybe she just really wanted to spend some on-location time working on the English Riviera where she could indulge her twin passions of over-priced plastic beach tat and coin cascades?

 

[Sue]

Not mine but...

'The humour makes The Dick Emery Show look edgy and contemporary, and the movie features a mind-boggling parade of cameos you are only otherwise liable to see in the cutaway shots of an ITV3 repeat of An Audience with Magnus Pyke.

Frank Thornton! Bill Pertwee! Russ Abbot! Connoisseurs of the British thespian scene from 30 years ago are likely, however, to have precisely the same response as those who do not recognise any of these people: an overwhelming desire to buy an old-fashioned town-gas cooking appliance in which one's head will fit snugly."

Run for Your Wife – review

The trouser-dropping 80s stage farce finally hits the big screen with Danny Dyer, to kill off any remaining British self-respect, writes Peter Bradshaw

www.theguardian.com

 

[a_chap]

When I was a nipper living in Africa in the 70s I used to sneak into drive-in movies (bored witless otherwise)

It was the era of post Bruce Lee kung fu movies which were, without exception, appalling.

If I could remember any of them I'd write a truly excoriating review. Honest.

 

[DaveCinzano]

The Way Back
A multinational band of gulag escapees flees Siberia and heads for the Himalayas on foot.

Frankly it’s a tedious bore. Oooh, it’s a bit cold! Oooh, it’s a bit hot! Oooh, I’m so thirsty! Oooh, we’ve not got any food! Etc.

Peter Weir directs, but it’s basically a bunch of beautifully photographed National Geographic vistas (well, they did stump up the cash for the film) linked together by Scenes Of Moderate Peril that feature a bunch of not-quite-familiar actors, like Jim Sturgess (Martin McGartland in tout drama Fifty Dead Men Walking).

Oh, plus Colin Farrell, who gurns in a mortgage performance as a rotten-toothed, badly tattooed common crim – until his agent phones him up halfway through with a better deal. At least Ed Harris lasts the length of it (and it is long – two and a quarter hours). Ed appears to have had authentic despair sandblasted into his face in readiness for the role. At least that shows commitment.

Definitely the scenic route. Feel free to bring a packed lunch.

 

[Aladdin]

Totally rubbish but...watched it through to the end

Nazis on the moon...


In the last moments of World War II, a secret Nazi space program evaded destruction by fleeing to the Dark Side of the Moon. During 70 years of utter secrecy, the Nazis construct a gigantic space fortress with a massive armada of flying saucers. When American astronaut James Washington puts down his Lunar Lander a bit too close to the secret Nazi base, the Moon Führer decides the glorious moment of retaking the Earth has arrived sooner than expected. Washington claims the mission is just a publicity stunt for the President of the United States, but what else could the man be but a scout for the imminent attack by Earth forces? The Fourth Reich must act. Two Nazi officers, ruthless Klaus Adler and idealistic Renate Richter, travel to Earth to prepare the invasion. In the end when the Moon Nazi UFO armada darkens the skies, ready to strike at the unprepared Earth, every man, woman and nation alike, must re-evaluate their priorities

 

[CNT36]

The Way Back
A multinational band of gulag escapees flees Siberia and heads for the Himalayas on foot.

Frankly it’s a tedious bore. Oooh, it’s a bit cold! Oooh, it’s a bit hot! Oooh, I’m so thirsty! Oooh, we’ve not got any food! Etc.

Peter Weir directs, but it’s basically a bunch of beautifully photographed National Geographic vistas (well, they did stump up the cash for the film) linked together by Scenes Of Moderate Peril that feature a bunch of not-quite-familiar actors, like Jim Sturgess (Martin McGartland in tout drama Fifty Dead Men Walking).

Oh, plus Colin Farrell, who gurns in a mortgage performance as a rotten-toothed, badly tattooed common crim – until his agent phones him up halfway through with a better deal. At least Ed Harris lasts the length of it (and it is long – two and a quarter hours). Ed appears to have had authentic despair sandblasted into his face in readiness for the role. At least that shows commitment.

Definitely the scenic route. Feel free to bring a packed lunch.

Also in real life after all that one of the poor fuckers ended up living in Camborne.

 

[CNT36]

Totally rubbish but...watched it through to the end

Nazis on the moon...

View attachment 370942
In the last moments of World War II, a secret Nazi space program evaded destruction by fleeing to the Dark Side of the Moon. During 70 years of utter secrecy, the Nazis construct a gigantic space fortress with a massive armada of flying saucers. When American astronaut James Washington puts down his Lunar Lander a bit too close to the secret Nazi base, the Moon Führer decides the glorious moment of retaking the Earth has arrived sooner than expected. Washington claims the mission is just a publicity stunt for the President of the United States, but what else could the man be but a scout for the imminent attack by Earth forces? The Fourth Reich must act. Two Nazi officers, ruthless Klaus Adler and idealistic Renate Richter, travel to Earth to prepare the invasion. In the end when the Moon Nazi UFO armada darkens the skies, ready to strike at the unprepared Earth, every man, woman and nation alike, must re-evaluate their priorities

Stalin: Reign of Terror
Also known as Carry on up the Gulag

Laughs galore in this comedic romp through the Gulag Archipelago. The stand out scene is the horny criminal prisoners reaction to arriving red army soldiers versus that of the politicals.

 

[DaveCinzano]

I don't think I enjoyed this:



Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
Sorry, did someone ask for a film that is just one unrelenting chase scene leavened with badly drawn exposition and hammily-delivered dialogue? Well, dinner is served!

A stinker, with nothing good going for it, except it no doubt kept the roof over the heads of hundreds, if not thousands, of blue-collar workers in the movie business, none of whom should share in the blame for this shit-flavoured, turkey-shaped lump of blockbuster, because a job is just a job. And this is one hell of a job.

 

[AverageJoe]

I came across a couple from years ago...



Circus
British gangster film set in Brighton, which is bold, given the one Brighton-set British gangster film most people will have in their minds. This does not challenge that associative hegemony on any level, though when in the opening minutes you see Christopher Biggins being tortured, you are hopeful.

John Hannah and Famke Janssen are a husband-and-wife con team. Brian Conley (yes, that Brian Conley) is a sadistic gang boss-cum-casino owner. Eddie Izzard is a sadistic loan shark-cum-bookie. Peter Stomare is a creepy mark-cum-blackmailer. Tom Lister Jr is a romantic enforcer-cum-lover. And yet with all this cum flying around, this is a film utterly devoid of spunk, which just splutters out halfway in, and doesn't even try to have anything approaching a satisfactory ending.

I. Must. Watch. This.

 

[AverageJoe]

Totally rubbish but...watched it through to the end

Nazis on the moon...

View attachment 370942
In the last moments of World War II, a secret Nazi space program evaded destruction by fleeing to the Dark Side of the Moon. During 70 years of utter secrecy, the Nazis construct a gigantic space fortress with a massive armada of flying saucers. When American astronaut James Washington puts down his Lunar Lander a bit too close to the secret Nazi base, the Moon Führer decides the glorious moment of retaking the Earth has arrived sooner than expected. Washington claims the mission is just a publicity stunt for the President of the United States, but what else could the man be but a scout for the imminent attack by Earth forces? The Fourth Reich must act. Two Nazi officers, ruthless Klaus Adler and idealistic Renate Richter, travel to Earth to prepare the invasion. In the end when the Moon Nazi UFO armada darkens the skies, ready to strike at the unprepared Earth, every man, woman and nation alike, must re-evaluate their priorities

One of my favorite shit films.

The sequel is even better. It has Zombie Hitler riding a dinosaur.

In the centre of the earth.

What's not to like?

 

[DaveCinzano]

One of my favorite shit films.

The sequel is even better. It has Zombie Hitler riding a dinosaur.

In the centre of the earth.

What's not to like?

If you've not heard of Danger 5 already then I suspect you will enjoy it

 

[krtek a houby]

Iirc there's a film with Mae West, Timothy Dalton, Ringo Starr and Keith Moon which is supposed to be an absolute stinker. Unless it was a fever dream.

 

[belboid]

Iirc there's a film with Mae West, Timothy Dalton, Ringo Starr and Keith Moon which is supposed to be an absolute stinker. Unless it was a fever dream.

Sextette, with Alice Cooper & Tony Curtis as well. I am sure I have seen it, but have also wiped it from my mind.

(do read the wiki, it's hilarious)

 

[krtek a houby]

Sextette, with Alice Cooper & Tony Curtis as well. I am sure I have seen it, but have also wiped it from my mind.

Haven't seen it, but was aware of its existence over the years. But nobody else seems to have heard of it...

 

[furluxor]

I'm not patient enough to write a full review but here's some stuff from my notes (a listed titled 'I'm never getting this time back'). I'll start with everyone's darlings:

The Great Beauty (2013)

Sorrentino's movies are basically about the same aging dude. He has this bizarrely immature conception of the world and human relationships and feels sorry for himself a lot. In this particular movie he is feeling philosophical with the sort of results that can be expected from a sexist, narcissistic intellectual midget. I am aware that this review is equally immature and screams I HATE HATE HATE THIS but how about you sit through 2.5 hours of this before judging me.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Oof, this is not good. I can see why it has cult status, it's full of much loved British cliches paired with daytime TV humour and trailing guts. I sniggered in a couple of places. If Hot Fuzz was mildly funny, Shaun of the Dead doesn't even get that far. It's like a slowly deflating balloon, psssssss. Limp dick of a comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Some of you will like the limp dick but I should have called it quits halfway.

 

[DaveCinzano]

Paid cash money for the DVD too

TBF, I also bought this:



Kung Fu Flid AKA Unarmed But Dangerous
What can I say? Seriously, one of the worst films I’ve ever watched. It took me at least three different sittings it’s so painful. Mat Fraser – an actor/martial artist born with foreshortened arms due to thalidomide – plays a martial artist whose daughter (for reasons too boring/convoluted/stupid to go into here) has been kidnapped by gangsters. Obviously he’s on the warpath. Frank Harper (a decent actor, FFS!) is the mob boss ultimately responsible, Faye Tozer from Steps is his moll, and there are various other half-recognisable faces from other half-arsed Brit gangster nonsense (like Turbo Terry Stone, who again seems to have scored his cameo because he put up cash for the producers).

Look, all of the above might have made this sound like it’s worth catching, out of curiosity if nothing else. But seriously, don’t bother. I can recommend nothing about it – acting, direction, editing, script, action sequences, special effects: all of it is nails-down-a-blackboard unpleasant.

Just realised I posted a thread on this when I first watched it - the memory must have been buried by the trauma

"bruce willis with flippers"

Ten minutes in and I have been ordered to turn the DVD off. She couldn't take any more. A film boasting of a "strong cast including [Turbo] Terry Stone and Faye Tozer [yes, her from Steps]". A film whose strongest supporter is Danny Dyer ("The maddest film I have ever seen, it's the...

www.urban75.net

 

[Sue]

I'm not patient enough to write a full review but here's some stuff from my notes (a listed titled 'I'm never getting this time back'). I'll start with everyone's darlings:

The Great Beauty (2013)
View attachment 372870
Sorrentino's movies are basically about the same aging dude. He has this bizarrely immature conception of the world and human relationships and feels sorry for himself a lot. In this particular movie he is feeling philosophical with the sort of results that can be expected from a sexist, narcissistic intellectual midget. I am aware that this review is equally immature and screams I HATE HATE HATE THIS but how about you sit through 2.5 hours of this before judging me.

I loved this. I thought it was sad and beautiful.

 

[furluxor]

I loved this. I thought it was sad and beautiful.

I know a lot of people loved it, I watched it because so many had recommended it to me. It's funny when the effect is that drastically different on different people