Not too sure if this is the right forum for poetry

[Ozric]

....but I'm having a poetic moment.....


I raise a glass to the dead
The ground you now walk I will tread
A mere glimpsing moment may be a lifetime
No matter how short or long it should be lived, as I do with my time
So I raise a glass to friends and family that have past
Not concerned whether it will be the last x

Open to comments, the more sarcastic the better

 

[Steel Icarus]

You really want to do this?

 

[DotCommunist]

scansions fucking awful but if you edit it in the morning you might have something there- line 4 is in particular far too long. Read it out loud to yourself and think about rhythm/cadence

 

[DotCommunist]

also don't rhyme 'time' with 'time' if you can help it. There must be another word to use that fits what you wish to convey.

 

[Greebo]

Last but one line, "past" should be "passed".

 

[Ozric]

Quite forgiving really, thanks all

 

[articul8]

Last but one line, "past" should be "passed".

but they also have past too - that was probably the best bit of the whole thing! "Passed" for death is a cliche

 

[Greebo]

but they also have past too - that was probably the best bit of the whole thing! "Passed" for death is a cliche

True. Anyway, all of us "have past", but only the living have futures.

 

[articul8]

No the dead also have futures - who is to say what they will have been





o

 

[Greebo]

No the dead also have futures - who is to say what they will have been<snip>

Deep, even for a morning after the night before.

 

[ibilly99]

Good effort needs more work though. Here's a classic one on death for maybe some inspiration (though Auden was apparently being ironic).