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Gaze in awe at the wonderfully puffed up bio of DJ Andy Whitby

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This guy sounds a truly spectacular dipstick, but his bio sure makes for a fun read:

andywhitby.jpg


Andy Whitby is not just a hard house DJ, he is an experience.

He is a state of mind.

He is the transporter of minds and souls to an amazing frantic paradise that, while leaving you knackered, strangely also leaves you feeling re-invigorated.

At 6ft tall and broad-shouldered, with his trademark shaved head, a chunky ostentatious chain around his neck, and immaculate dress sense (if it’s not designer, it doesn’t go anywhere near him) he makes an imposing figure who commands respect.

His confident appearance is matched by his masterful control of a good mixing desk. Before each set he always powers down the previous track and leads the packed dance floor in a show of appreciation for the out-going DJ, before kick-starting his performance into a blaze of visuals, an orchestra of special effects which extracts every quality beat of each track as he begins his show.

To watch Andy DJ is part of the Whitby experience. Cocky? Perhaps, but certainly not arrogant, Whitby is now in control of the minds and bodies of his audience. A very precise and confident body language gives a visual indication to what he is playing as he acts out each track.

Yet, he is not dancing; this is something far more emotional. Imagine watching a porn star having hot, rough, yet passionate but dominating sex to a breathless, wailing lover which, in this case, comes in the shape of a mixing desk. Forceful, dominant, aggressive yet somehow tender and caring. The visual impact allows your body to further immerse itself in the ecstasy he is submitting you to; your ears alone cannot possibly absorb everything that he is throwing at you.

As for his sound, imagine every track as a partially completed canvas. Through the use of effects on the mixing desk, Andy adds his own colour, texture and feel as he maximises every beat of every track to create the unique Whitby sound. His precision mixing at incalculable speeds is part of the show; as each track mixes in you can positively feel the dance-floor going up a notch to keep up with the frantic and energetic DJ that has them all by the balls.

Andy’s blend of vocal uplifting bouncy house is like him: deliciously hard yet very accessible. And when Andy makes eye contact with you, even if only be for a second, you get to experience the ultimate unique sensation of him seeking your seal of approval. In that moment you have transcended being a mere audience member, into being part of what will almost certainly be the set of the night. The sheer euphoria you feel is exceptional.

And then at the end, breathless, skin tingling and with a grin on your face from ear to ear, you feel as though every drop of energy has been sucked right out of you, just like those few moments after one of the best orgasms of your life.

Accompanying Andy to a gig is quite an experience. He is literally mobbed upon his arrival and departure from each gig, with fans eager to speak to their idol, or have their photograph taken with him. Mobile phone-cum-digital cameras are designed for such occasions as his devotees put one arm around him and pose with their hero as the other arm acts as a remote-controlled tri-pod for the self-portrait.

Fortunately, Andy’s driver doubles up as proficient photographer for those not quite so adept at taking their own photos. Andy is always more than happy to oblige, which on one hand is good for the clubbers, but on the other a logistical nightmare for his driver when trying to get Whitby from club entrance to DJ decks for his set, then back again in a timely manner. And for the time he is performing, the space right in front of the DJ decks is hotly contested floor space.

Andy Whitby is the standard that so many more strive for. There are a plethora of CD compilations that he has mixed but listening to one of these is like trying to view a fine piece of art in a darkened room. You need to see him live to really appreciate the full and overwhelming experience that is The Saviour of Hard-Dance.

You can generally tell if a hard-house event is going to be credible and worth the money if you see Andy Whitby’s name heading the DJ line-up. It’s almost like seeing a quality assurance seal, royal crest or five star rating”.
http://sabotagetimes.com/music/this-man-has-the-greatest-dj-bio-ever-written/
 
:D :D :D :D
Superstar djs, here we go! I guess its this kind of egomania that is a prerequisite to making it into those silly money dj slots. Lots of this
andy-whitby.jpg

and this
andy%20whitby%202.jpg

required
 
I like this comment:

DJ profiles are a well-known source of bombastic claptrap and this is no different. If he was a tenth as good as his profile suggests, he'd be Tiesto, Avicii and the Swedish House Mafia rolled into one. He ain't.

As good as Tiesto AND Swedish House Mafia? :eek::D
 
It doesn't seem to mention his presumably huge coke habit, I mean, reading that, I can almost hear the snnniiiiiffffffff at the end of each sentence.
 
Can we all please stop pretending that being a DJ is a real thing? It's barely one step up from being famous for your ability to tie your own shoes.
That's really not true, you know. Although there's no shortage of shit/pointless DJs out there, some can make a real difference to a night and turn a moribund dancefloor into a heaving mass of happy people.
 
Can we all please stop pretending that being a DJ is a real thing? It's barely one step up from being famous for your ability to tie your own shoes.
er, no
It doesn't seem to mention his presumably huge coke habit, I mean, reading that, I can almost hear the snnniiiiiffffffff at the end of each sentence.
to give him a chance, its not impossible he paid some PR company to do it for him.
 
they are worth about $40million a piece I seem to recall from a list posted here not long ago. Someone is buying this stuff

Yeah it's clearly massive.

TBH my take on this is that although it's not for me I can see why people like it. If your idea of a good time is a huge arena full of people who are well into it, with a massive stage show and some uplifting cheesy trance then Tiesto's the man to go for. Musically there's nothing he does that a million other DJs couldn't do just as well, but with him you get the event (probably as much good luck and good management as anything but there you go).
 
I'm going to write my next CV like that.

When reporting your knackered boiler to NVP you won't just feel that you've spoken to someone that cares, you'll feel you've synergized with not just a man, but a deity: a being who cares; a rugged handsome noble savage of social housing. You won't think you've been guided through the appointments list, you'll feel that you've made love to it. You won't just think you've got the best customer service known to man, you'll think you're on a psychedelic rollercoaster blasting through the cosmic maelstrom of infinity. More importantly, you won't think you're getting anyone out today, we haven't got anyone free till a week Tuesday.
 
Yeah it's clearly massive.

TBH my take on this is that although it's not for me I can see why people like it. If your idea of a good time is a huge arena full of people who are well into it, with a massive stage show and some uplifting cheesy trance then Tiesto's the man to go for. Musically there's nothing he does that a million other DJs couldn't do just as well, but with him you get the event (probably as much good luck and good management as anything but there you go).
yeah and you have to be willing and able to do this every once in a while
andy-whitby.jpg
 
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I'm going to write my next CV like that.

When reporting your knackered boiler to NVP you won't just feel that you've spoken to someone that cares, you'll feel you've synergized with not just a man, but a deity: a being who cares; a rugged handsome noble savage of social housing. You won't think you've been guided through the appointments list, you'll feel that you've made love to it. You won't just think you've got the best customer service known to man, you'll think you're on a psychedelic rollercoaster blasting through the cosmic maelstrom of infinity. More importantly, you won't think you're getting anyone out today, we haven't got anyone free till a week Tuesday.
sheer poetry

how could anyone not love NVP?
 
What I find slightly weird is he has such a big following but I'd never heard of him. Must be getting out of touch in my old age. Or his scene operates in a bubble I don't connect with.
 
What I find slightly weird is he has such a big following but I'd never heard of him. Must be getting out of touch in my old age. Or his scene operates in a bubble I don't connect with.

It's the bubble I think (not to say you aren't getting out of touch though:p). Hard House/Hard Dance has been going for the best part of 20 years and hasn't changed a lot in that time - I don't think it's a particularly young scene, but the people who are into it are really heavily into it.
 
:D :D :D :D
Superstar djs, here we go! I guess its this kind of egomania that is a prerequisite to making it into those silly money dj slots. Lots of this
andy-whitby.jpg

and this
andy%20whitby%202.jpg

required

just reminds me of one my favourite ever jokes:

DJ: Fancy going to the cinema tonight? Other DJ: Dunno, who's the projectionist? :D

I dunno if I first read that joke here or on popbitch.
 
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