Hey. As you might know I need to have this bastard neurosurgery in just over two weeks for a brain aneurysm.
I’ve just had the Neurovascular Nurse Specialist call me up to ask who my next of kin is. I don’t know. Here are my questions if any of you can help I’d really appreciate it...
1. Is NOK on hospital forms whoever you want it to be, or does it need to be a family member? I’m guessing this is who they call if I have a stroke or die or whatever. I don’t think I want it to be my lad, would prefer it to be my best mate or my man. Is this possible?
2. If the worst happens and I lose capacity... I currently don’t have Power of Attorney for health or wealth. Who would it fall to to make the decisions? I know the medical team would hold the ultimate decision in acute care, but for shit like moving to best supportive care and not active treatment, who decides where I live, or the money, would this fall to my 18yo son if I do nothing?
I’ve not got long before this procedure and with a high risk of stroke, I’m being advised to consider POA. I don’t know how. But I don’t want to do nothing and leave my lad who is only just 18 to shoulder this alone.
For reference, I’m a single mum. My two brothers both have serious mental illness and I help care for one. My Mum is end of life. I have two sons, 18 & nearly 16. My 18yo is very level headed but is... 18. My ex (their Dad) is an alcoholic so not very confident of his decision making altho I trust him to act in my best interests with this stuff? I dunno. Just urgh help me think this through please?
First, sorry you have to deal with this.
Next of kin has no legal definition in this jurisdiction for these purposes. It mostly means who the hospital will keep updated etc., and can be anyone you like (and more than one).
If something happened, and you couldn't communicate your wishes, your nominated NOK's views would be taken into account, but not determinative (it'd ultimately be for the medical staff to decide your best interests).
A good mate who's willing and able to break any difficult news to your kids if necessary might be a good choice for NOK.
And you could make it easier on them, the hospital, and your kids if you set out in advance what you'd prefer in a range of scenarios; although not legally binding, it let's everyone know what you'd have chosen for yourself if you could, so removes some of the dilemmas. (There is also the possibility of a legally binding Advance Decision, but that has quite limited scope - its about declining treatment to prolong your life e.g. CPR or ventilation).
A POA is a more formal way of giving power to someone else to decide things - health or financial - on your behalf, when you're unable to. In theory, you've time to prepare something, albeit registration wouldn't be complete until some time after your op. A bigger issue is that it's a lot of responsibility, and there's no obvious candidate in your life. So, if I was you, I wouldn't worry about it.
Similarly, although it all always makes sense to have a will, if don't but you're divorced and all you want is everything to go to the kids, you can probably just rely on the rules of intestacy.
Probably more important than all that is doing what you can to alleviate the emotional impact on your lads (which you're obviously on top of). And, taking care of yourself; I can't imagine how scary it must be, so be kind to yourself. And think about some of the support services people have linked to.
Finally, good luck with the op.
ETA: Sorry, read the whole thread before posting, but somehow missed your second post, so speciation some of this irrelevant now i.e. you've confirmed you have a will.
