Just caught him reading this on his lunch break
review
Funny, amusing and strangely thought-provoking
By A. Whitehead TOP 500 REVIEWERVINE VOICE on 11 July 2008
Vern is the guy who used to write reviews of action movies for Ain't It Cool News, mostly low-budget, direct-to-video/DVD stuff that most people wouldn't touch with a bargepole. Whilst writing these reviews he'd engender a lot of debate and flamewars with one exception: the movies of Steven Seagal. It turned out that there are many fans of the Seagal out there, people who watch his movies religiously, drink cans of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (his own energy drink) and listen to his albums whilst analysing the themes and motifs of his work. And some of them weren't being all cool and ironic. Fascinated, Vern set out on a mission to watch and review all of Seagal's movies. This proved difficult, as Seagal was entering his most prolific period to date. However, with his next couple of pictures delayed, Vern was finally able to catch up and write a book about his experiences.
This is a very good book. It's genuinely funny, interesting and, in its own way, incredibly barmy. Vern isn't writing serious film criticism here but he's also not taking the mickey either. He obviously respects Seagal (and given how many people he's thrown through windows over the years this is probably a good thing) and is genuinely interested in what makes his films tick.
An early discovery is that Seagal is a left-wing action star, which immediately puts him in a different boat to Schwarznegger, Stallone etc. His films usually don't portray America in the best light, and the most common theme between them is how corrupt the CIA can be and how the US' own developments in areas like WMDs are not really helping make the world a safer place. By analysing the motifs that repeat themselves in every single movie, Vern draws some interesting conclusions.
Most of the book is taken up by a film-by-film analysis of his works. There are 27 movies here, ranging from the very-well-known action flick Under Siege to the debacle that is Submerged. Vern clearly loves the early movies, when Seagal is younger, does all his own stunts and the plots are pretty straightforward, generally a variation on the "Bad guy killed his partner/wife or kidnapped his daughter/pen-pal and he has to sort it out," set-up. The first movie or two are generic action flicks enlivened by Seagal's slightly unorthodox fighting abilities, but very quickly we start seeing some of Seagal's iconic touches coming in as he becomes able to exert influence on the movie's direction. He starts wearing some rididculous outfits, gets a ponytail, and delivers message about karma. Vern points to On Deadly Ground as being a vital point in Seagal's movie development, namely the legendary bar fight scene where, having defeated his goons, Seagal suddenly neutralises the bad guy by playing a weird game with him and then engaging him in a debate about if it is possible to change the essence of a man whilst stirring, epic music plays in the background.
From then on, it's insanity all the way as Seagal stops some villains from blowing up a petrol station with a stick of dynamite by shooting the burning fuse off the dynamite whilst it's tumbling in mid-air, saves the USA from a horrific virus by spraying the countryside with flowers from a helicopter and travels across the planet to save his teenage pen-pal after he's sold into white slavery, even though Seagal hasn't actually been told this and just guesses randomly that something is up. Along the way, he plays cops, ex-CIA agents, ex-Navy SEAL chefs, and a respected expert in Chinese archaeology serving at Yale (but who actually turns out to be the male, retired version of Lara Croft). He fights the mafia, yakuza, corrupt government agents, drug-dealers and bent cops with guns, martial arts, swords, a snooker ball wrapped in a handkerchief and, on one bizarre occasion, a credit card. He throws dozens of people through windows and narrowly avoids enormous explosions on countless occasions. On one occasion he even dies, which is rather jarring.
You also find out more information than you ever needed to know about the formulation of energy drinks and Steven Seagal's musical career. I must admit I found the revelation of his musical background to be pretty cringe-inducing, but a quick trip to YouTube reveals that Seagal is a surprisingly accomplished guitarist, although his vocal range is limited. He even has a few decent reggae, funk and blues songs up there. I mean, Jimmy Cliff doesn't need to start worrying about the competition, but it's light-years beyond most actor-turned-musician projects (Dogstar comes immediately to mind).
Vern's central thesis, that Seagal is an auteur film-maker who imprints all his movies, even the ones not written specifically for him, with his own interests and unique sensibility in a way that Chuck Norris or Jean-Claude Van Damme do not, is hard to refute. This is partially what makes the book a success. The other part is that it is absolutely hilarious. Whenever Vern seems to be getting a bit too serious about his ideological analysis of the politics of the films or something, he'll drop in a casual comment or train of thought that will leave you giggling like a fool. By the time you reach the end of the book you can't help but agree with Vern that there is something interesting going on with some of these movies beyond a surface reading.
Complaints? Well, if reading a book makes you want to go and watch Attack Force or Submerged, it's probably not an entirely good thing. Also, the later DTV movies tend to blur into one and it's rather hard at times to care enough about some random awful film you're never going to watch to read a ten-page analysis of it, but Vern ususally drops in enough interesting analysis or comedy to make it all worthwhile.
