Withdrawing from voluntary role

[BillRiver]

I could do with some advice.

I struggle with my mental health. I have had several "crises" in the last few years which have involved shortish stays in hospital.

My last admission was in April of this year.

I've had a patch since then of feeling quite good, been relatively functional and at times even feeling quite OK about myself.

I resumed co-facilitating support group meetings for my local Service User Network in late June. I've been doing 2-3 a week, plus weekly supervision with other peer support co-facilitators.

I've done occasional shifts at the vaccination centre, very irregularly though.

I've taken part in a 3 month research project for the council, as a volunteer researcher. That's almost over now, just one zoom meeting later this week to wrap it up.

I signed up to a another new voluntary role when I was feeling good, had energy and confidence, etc. back in June/July?

The process has taken a while, but it's been ticking along in the background, first waiting for the DBS check, then a bunch of online trainings, etc.

It's for a role with a woman with autism and learning disabilities, supporting her to garden in the yard of her supported housing block.

I went and visited the house two weeks ago. I spent about 3 hours there, mostly in the office reading files, but I did meet her and get shown around the house and garden.

I didn't go last week because I had a head cold.

I spent most of last week indoors, alone, cos not well. Some kinda triggering/challenging stuff went on last week, some of it external and some of it in my head.

I had a big wobble on Friday and started smoking again. I've been self-medicating with dope a fair bit as well. I got drunk Saturday night with my sister (which was fun, and I finally met my Cuban brother-in-law).

I'm feeling really messy. Kinda on the brink. It's scary but I'm trying not to catastrophise. I'm not in full crisis. Warning signs are glaring though.

My gut is telling me I can't do it. I can't take on the new voluntary role. It's too much. It's not like other voluntary roles, where if I'm having a wobbly week I can just not go. It's very relationship based, with a very vulnerable woman. I'd need to be regular and reliable. Having met her now and read some of her file, I feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

I still don't even know if I am autistic. I had a partial assessment in February 2020 which my shrink at the time said I'd scored highly enough in to definitely warrant a full assessment. Then Covid hit, and that's still on hold.

How do I tell them I can't do the voluntary job right now? Without losing the possibility of working with/for that organisation in future? They seem so great, and when I was weller I'd started to dream of paid work with them one day, if the volunteering had gone well.

 

[BillRiver]

Please don't quote any of my OP. I might want to delete bits later.

 

[Chilli.s]

Sometime you have to step back from things...I think there will always be another and if you can't commit now then don't. Talk to them, possibly another role more suitable

 

[Epona]

Just write them an e-mail (or however you usually communicate with them) along the lines that unfortunately since you applied for that role, you realised that you cannot commit to doing the hours it requires and therefore need to withdraw your application/interest in that particular role, you look forward to the possibility of more suitable volunteering roles in future etc etc.

As a volunteer, you are doing them a favour, it isn't a paid job or anything and most organisations know to be flexible in the way they work with volunteers.

Best of luck to you!

 

[chainsawjob]

How do I tell them I can't do the voluntary job right now? Without losing the possibility of working with/for that organisation in future? They seem so great, and when I was weller I'd started to dream of paid work with them one day, if the volunteering had gone well.

If they're a good organisation, that values their volunteers and staff, then...

• they'll value people who can identify their limitations (including temporary ones)
• they'll appreciate a volunteer recognising when it's a good idea to put something on hold
• they'll not argue with someone prioritising their health above voluntary work
• they'll value your honesty about all of the above

Good luck

 

[andysays]

Sorry to hear you're going through this BillRiver .

I'll make proper response later when I've got more time and a proper keyboard to type on.

 

[xenon]

The short answer I spose is, you're of course entitled to pull out for any reason. Even if it were a paid position, TBF. The fact it's to look after your health and you feel you may not be in a position to help this woman to the best of your ability, make these perfectly reasonable reasons to decline taking it on.

If you feel comfortable in letting the organisation know what's going on for you at the moment, in writing, I'm sure unless they're completely unproffessional arses, they will understand. Not that you have to go into details of course.

I've been on the other side of this, less closely involved type positions but where I've interviewed and started training volunteers who've then pulled out. For very much I would say lesser reasons. Which is fine, shit happens.

A bit longer than I intended....

 

[nogojones]

I could do with some advice.

I struggle with my mental health. I have had several "crises" in the last few years which have involved shortish stays in hospital.

My last admission was in April of this year.

I've had a patch since then of feeling quite good, been relatively functional and at times even feeling quite OK about myself.

I resumed co-facilitating support group meetings for my local Service User Network in late June. I've been doing 2-3 a week, plus weekly supervision with other peer support co-facilitators.

I've done occasional shifts at the vaccination centre, very irregularly though.

I've taken part in a 3 month research project for the council, as a volunteer researcher. That's almost over now, just one zoom meeting later this week to wrap it up.

I signed up to a another new voluntary role when I was feeling good, had energy and confidence, etc. back in June/July?

The process has taken a while, but it's been ticking along in the background, first waiting for the DBS check, then a bunch of online trainings, etc.

It's for a role with a woman with autism and learning disabilities, supporting her to garden in the yard of her supported housing block.

I went and visited the house two weeks ago. I spent about 3 hours there, mostly in the office reading files, but I did meet her and get shown around the house and garden.

I didn't go last week because I had a head cold.

I spent most of last week indoors, alone, cos not well. Some kinda triggering/challenging stuff went on last week, some of it external and some of it in my head.

I had a big wobble on Friday and started smoking again. I've been self-medicating with dope a fair bit as well. I got drunk Saturday night with my sister (which was fun, and I finally met my Cuban brother-in-law).

I'm feeling really messy. Kinda on the brink. It's scary but I'm trying not to catastrophise. I'm not in full crisis. Warning signs are glaring though.

My gut is telling me I can't do it. I can't take on the new voluntary role. It's too much. It's not like other voluntary roles, where if I'm having a wobbly week I can just not go. It's very relationship based, with a very vulnerable woman. I'd need to be regular and reliable. Having met her now and read some of her file, I feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

I still don't even know if I am autistic. I had a partial assessment in February 2020 which my shrink at the time said I'd scored highly enough in to definitely warrant a full assessment. Then Covid hit, and that's still on hold.

How do I tell them I can't do the voluntary job right now? Without losing the possibility of working with/for that organisation in future? They seem so great, and when I was weller I'd started to dream of paid work with them one day, if the volunteering had gone well.

It'll be fine. Just have a word with the people who are organising it and explain your situation. It shows the level of personal responsibility you hold for the roll and the woman you'd be supporting. They'll be cool and appreciate your honesty.

It might not be right for you at this minute, but it may be wonderful in a couple of months time. It sounds like you're doing a fair bit at the moment anyway so wait until you feel you have the personal capacity and strength to go back to it. It's better to do it slowly and well than rush in and find you're over stretched.

And look out for yourself. Prioritise your own wellbeing first, as you can't do much for others if your heads in the shed.

 

[BillRiver]

Thank you all. I need to not blow it up in my head. There's a very well trodden pathway with me where I go from I can't do that one thing to I can't do any thing, I'm useless, and I'm a failure, I can't function in this world. The flip side of my other mood which makes me think I can do it all. Until I can't. And so forth.

 

[BillRiver]

The bully in my head is really giving me a hard time right now.

 

[Chilli.s]

Curse that black dog/bully snapping at the heals. Sunny day? go for a quick walk? take in some of those views of the real world, some of the beauty you catch in your photos

 

[chainsawjob]

Thank you all. I need to not blow it up in my head. There's a very well trodden pathway with me where I go from I can't do that one thing to I can't do any thing, I'm useless, and I'm a failure, I can't function in this world. The flip side of my other mood which makes me think I can do it all. Until I can't. And so forth.

Sounds familiar. Hope you can work out a balance, and keep stuff in good perspective. And tell that bully to f.r.o., what do they know anyway? A walk's a good idea for that actually, look up at the sky, helps get stuff back into proportion sometimes.

 

[wayward bob]

I'm feeling really messy. Kinda on the brink. It's scary but I'm trying not to catastrophise. I'm not in full crisis. Warning signs are glaring though.

that you are aware of this is really, really good. that you're taking steps not to overstretch yourself is really good. this is growth and progress and tell your internal bully that from me

eta word/thought salad aside: natural growth patterns tend not to be straight lines, they're more like spirals. reaching slightly to the side makes more space for moving forwards. that's all this is, a shift to the side x

 

[equationgirl]

It's ok to not do this role BillRiver

Your health must come first. You can always tell them that your circumstances have changed and you are no longer to provide the commitment they require. It's better to pull out rather than repeatedly not go.

Look at everything you've done this year. It's ok not to do this one thing.so you can work on your own mental health.

 

[Edie]

Insight into your own abilities and capacity is the most important thing. Better to say you have carefully considered the position and don’t feel you can take on the responsibility now, rather than start and not be able to do it and let the vulnerable person down (you too are vulnerable xx). The organisation would prefer that, and be more likely to trust you in future. Take care xx

 

[BillRiver]

Thank you all very much.

 

[andysays]

Hi BillRiver

First, it's good that you're recognising that there's an issue here and that you're doing something to address it rather than attempting to plough on regardless.

As others have said, you need to prioritise your own well being, and if that means either delaying or dropping out completely from this particular volunteering opportunity, it's better (for you, but also for those you'd be working with and for) that you do that now through a deliberate choice rather than later because that decision is forced on you.

I've struggled with my mental health in the past, and voluntary work was a useful and important part of my recovery, but it wasn't without its ups and downs, like any process of recovery.

You want to feel like you're making progress, and you hope the progress will continue but sometimes you find, for whatever reason, that you get "stuck" or even fall back a little.

It's important at that point not to beat yourself up about the setback, not to tell yourself you'll never manage it, but to be kind to yourself and recognise that this is part of the process.

It might be that although you thought (hoped) you were ready for this particular step, as the moment got closer some doubt inside you grew to the point where it had to make itself heard, or it might be that something completed unrelated has just happened to come along at the most inconvenient moment.

Maybe you were trying to push yourself a little too fast, too soon, but if that's the case it doesn't mean you won't ever be ready, it just means you need to give yourself a bit more time.

I don't know if you've mentioned your mental health issues to the people responsible for your volunteer role, and I can understand that you might be apprehensive about doing so. I've found in the past that people have generally been understanding and sympathetic, contrary to what I might have expected or even feared, and you would certainly hope that in the particular context you describe this would be the case.

But even if this particular opportunity turns out not to be possible, there will still be other opportunities, and dealing with problems and disappointments like this will ultimately make your recovery stronger, even though that may not be much consolation at the moment.

 

[BillRiver]

Thank you.

I guess the fear is I've had so many crises will I ever be fit for purpose to go adult in the real world again.

But for now I just have to get through each day one at a time. I know I'm not fit right now that's for sure.

 

[BillRiver]

Thank you all so much.

 

[Elpenor]

Thank you.

I guess the fear is I've had so many crises will I ever be fit for purpose to go adult in the real world again.

But for now I just have to get through each day one at a time. I know I'm not fit right now that's for sure.

I had what was effectively a midlife crisis last year, and took the decision to voluntarily remove myself from the job market last year, having had 15 successful and fulfilling years doing what I did I wasn’t able to even focus on simple tasks.

I had a few false starts where I started and then quit jobs within 3 days. Putting oneself first is often a hard thing to do but is absolutely right when your own well-being is at stake. In my case I didn’t want to work when I could only produce at a substandard level of competence - it was more than my pride allowed, and doing my job badly would negatively impact all of the other employees.

 

[BillRiver]

I had what was effectively a midlife crisis last year, and took the decision to voluntarily remove myself from the job market last year, having had 15 successful and fulfilling years doing what I did I wasn’t able to even focus on simple tasks.

I had a few false starts where I started and then quit jobs within 3 days. Putting oneself first is often a hard thing to do but is absolutely right when your own well-being is at stake. In my case I didn’t want to work when I could only produce at a substandard level of competence - it was more than my pride allowed, and doing my job badly would negatively impact all of the other employees.

Sorry to hear that you went through a crisis.

Can I ask where are you at with that now Elpenor? Are you currently working?

 

[belboid]

As a former Volunteer Coordinator I would always much rather a volunteer withdrew from a role than carried it on when it might be damaging to their own mental health and possibly letting down a client. Just tell them something like what you have said here and I'm sure they will be entirely understanding. You are already doing a good load of other voluntary activities so there is no reason for anyone to think not taking up another is wrong.

If you were considering doing the same role later on, maybe ask the organisation if there is some other, less demanding, role you could help with, to learn more before you start.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Look after yourself, cos you're a good un.

 

[Elpenor]

Sorry to hear that you went through a crisis.

Can I ask where are you at with that now Elpenor? Are you currently working?

I did a 3 month temp role at the end of last year which helped me enormously. They needed me, I felt needed, the work wasn’t difficult especially for the pay on offer, but from day 1 they were appreciative, kind, caring. Proper Berkshire old school working class people who were proper diamonds who would do anything for you. Unlike all the backstabbing types I’d found in more corporate roles. It felt like a family from day 1 and they welcomed me into it.

I then moved away and got another job, which was the total opposite, quit after 3 days and my mum died the following week. It was then that I took the decision I had to drop down from being a manager level to being a team member level. I sacrificed salary and I suppose “status” for working at a level where I could use my knowledge but not overstretch my emotional intelligence / resilience. I realised that I could do well in tests and interviews, but not in a live situation. I remember doing an IQ test at the Maudsley as a kid and having a verbal IQ of 130+ but a performance IQ of 100 - I don’t know much about IQs and aware they whole concept is full of separate issues but I’ve often wondered if that’s why I’ve never “fulfilled the potential” for want of a better phrase.

Anyway after a further two months off I am back temping in a public sector role which was initially quite confusing and still is to some extent, but has a supportive and forgiving management team. Sorry for the ramble!