The staggeringly good home-made condiments thread

[mrs quoad]

There are two (2) condiments I know of, which are so soul-destroying awesome that I would actually consider drinking them by the pint.

The first is pomegranate jam.

Which is this:
Gently boiled for ages w/ ½-¼ tsp salt, and then slathered over any form of protein. Or over anything else, tbh. It’s just a sour sharp fruity chilli sauce rocket on a spoon. And only improves if you massively fuck up the chilli, and make it almost inedibly hot.

The second is maple mayonnaise. Which involves these:

1 small shallot, peeled and finely chopped
1 egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1 tsp maple syrup
1 tbsp cider vinegar
90ml sunflower oil
90ml rapeseed oil​

The shallot can totally be substituted for ½ red onion.

Mix all of ^^ that except oil.

Then start beating the crap outta it w/ a mixer.

Drizzle oil slowly in whilst beating.

Just phenomenal mayonnaisey onion-sharp sweet dribbley gorgeousness. Works extraordinarily well w/ Ottolenghi’s sort-of-Waldorf, but really would work with almost anything else that (L)s onions and mayonnaise.

More?

 

[bimble]

I wish you were my next door neighbour in some idyllic village of yore, so I could get handouts of the excesses of your culinary enthusiasms.
I'd leave empty jars and brand new breadbins out on the doorstep every morning .

 

[Wookey]

Whilst not as ambitious as Chef Quoad's, I do swear by my yogurt salad dressing.

3 x tablespoons of plain live yogurt
1 x teaspoon of Moutarde de Dijon
Pink Himalayan Sea Salt (must be pink, and from a beach in the Himalayas)
Freshly ground black pepper corns (some of)

Method: Mix up and chuck over green shit.

 

[krtek a houby]

Your tomato sauce a bit too sharp? Add a few squirts of ketchup.

 

[Artaxerxes]

 

[DaveCinzano]

I wish you were my next door neighbour in some idyllic village of yore, so I could get handouts of the excesses of your culinary enthusiasms.

Flower beds stinking of old coffee grounds, lumps of mouldy artisan bread dotted around the lawn ignored by fussy garden birds, piles of broken down kitchen gadgets littering the front yard

 

[mrs quoad]

Flower beds stinking of old coffee grounds, lumps of mouldy artisan bread dotted around the lawn ignored by fussy garden birds, piles of broken down kitchen gadgets littering the front yard

Tbf, that sounds more like my office.

 

[Wookey]

Also should share my chip dressing recipe, always goes down a storm.

1 x jar of pickled onions
1 x knife
Portion of chippy chips

Method: Stab jar lid with knife, invert jar and shake over chips. Add some salt for authenticity, I find Pink Himalayan Sea Salt works best, on account of its purety and hue.

 

[Teaboy]

There are two (2) condiments I know of, which are so soul-destroying awesome that I would actually consider drinking them by the pint.

The first is pomegranate jam.

Which is this:View attachment 119192
Gently boiled for ages w/ ½-¼ tsp salt, and then slathered over any form of protein. Or over anything else, tbh. It’s just a sour sharp fruity chilli sauce rocket on a spoon. And only improves if you massively fuck up the chilli, and make it almost inedibly hot.

The second is maple mayonnaise. Which involves these:

1 small shallot, peeled and finely chopped
1 egg yolk
1 tsp Dijon mustard
1 tsp maple syrup
1 tbsp cider vinegar
90ml sunflower oil
90ml rapeseed oil​

The shallot can totally be substituted for ½ red onion.

Mix all of ^^ that except oil.

Then start beating the crap outta it w/ a mixer.

Drizzle oil slowly in whilst beating.

Just phenomenal mayonnaisey onion-sharp sweet dribbley gorgeousness. Works extraordinarily well w/ Ottolenghi’s sort-of-Waldorf, but really would work with almost anything else that (L)s onions and mayonnaise.

More?

Sorry they both sound horribly sweet. No thanks.

 

[Idaho]

Burger relish:

Mayonnaise
Cheap salsa dip

Mix
Put in burger

 

[polly]

I have been known to eat miso mayo with a spoon:

1 tbsp miso
2 tbsp ketchup
4 tbsp mayonnaise

The pomegranate jam looks really good for Christmas

 

[Yuwipi Woman]

I'm going to give you my grandmother's super-double-secret recipe for horseradish sauce:

A warning in advance: Do not do this indoors.

For every 1 cup of cubed horseradish root, add 2/3 cup of white vinegar, 2 teaspoons of sugar, and 1/4 teaspoon of salt.

In an electric food processor or blender, process horseradish root, vinegar, sugar and salt until finely ground. (You might consider eye protection when you do this.) Carefully remove the cover of the processor or blender, keeping your face away from the container. Cover and store the horseradish in the refrigerator. It will keep a long while there.

You can also put it into pint jars and process in a waterbath canner.

 

[DaveCinzano]

2/3 cup of white vinegar

Just to be clear, do you mean ‘two-thirds of a cup’ or ‘two to three cups’?

 

[Yuwipi Woman]

Burger relish:

Mayonnaise
Cheap salsa dip

Mix
Put in burger

I used to work in a restaurant. This was their recipe for "secret sauce." I think a lot of restaurants use that combination.

 

[Yuwipi Woman]

Just to be clear, do you mean ‘two-thirds of a cup’ or ‘two to three cups’?

Two-thirds of a cup. Pardon the American measurements and abbreviations. I honestly don't know how you'all get along lugging a scale everywhere.

 

[mrs quoad]

Sorry they both sound horribly sweet. No thanks.

We had a lunch guest on Sunday who ate virtually fuck all from her plate, and she didn’t apologise. So I have less than no idea why you’re apologising for sth I haven’t even offered you

 

[Wookey]

Burger relish:

Mayonnaise
Cheap salsa dip

Mix
Put in burger

I think you'll find that's made of win!

 

[Idaho]

I used to work in a restaurant. This was their recipe for "secret sauce." I think a lot of restaurants use that combination.

It's basically a marie rose sauce with bits in.

 

[a_chap]

I'm going to give you my grandmother's super-double-secret recipe for horseradish sauce:

A warning in advance: Do not do this indoors.

For every 1 cup of cubed horseradish root, add 2/3 cup of white vinegar, 2 teaspoons of sugar, and 1/4 teaspoon of salt.

In an electric food processor or blender, process horseradish root, vinegar, sugar and salt until finely ground. (You might consider eye protection when you do this.) Carefully remove the cover of the processor or blender, keeping your face away from the container. Cover and store the horseradish in the refrigerator. It will keep a long while there.

You can also put it into pint jars and process in a waterbath canner.

Reminds me of when I was about 11 years old and my Dad, for a joke (he had a great sense of humour) unscrewed a jar of horseradish and said "smell this".

Nearly killed me...

I do miss him.

 

[Yuwipi Woman]

Reminds me of when I was about 11 years old and my Dad, for a joke (he had a great sense of humour) unscrewed a jar of horseradish and said "smell this".

Nearly killed me...

I do miss him.

I can relate. One of our family activities each summer, was hauling the food grinder and assorted implements of destruction out into the yard to make this concoction. Our only solace was that it was easier than cleaning chickens.

 

[Yuwipi Woman]

This was my last bit of "do-it-yourself" in the kitchen:

How To Make Preserved Lemons (A Moroccan/Middle Eastern Specialty) - The Daring Gourmet

I'll eat lemons whole if given the chance.

 

[Espresso]

A tablespoon of each of the following - soy sauce, crunchy peanut butter, sweet or hot chilli sauce, whichever you like. Heat that up and mix it together. Stir in a teaspoon of lime juice, chopped chillies, coriander and spring onions when it's off the heat.
Chuck that over grilled meat or fish, with either rice or salad vegetables. Or just eat it straight out of the pan, if you're a gannet like me.
If you leave it to go cold, it sets enough to spread on crumpets. That's fairly epic, too.